My heart goes out to you @Hope4me. I know exactly how you feel. As you say, of course these days/moments will happen, but it doesn't mean it's easy to ride those waves, especially when it results in insomnia. That's what unravels me, the sleeplessness. All the interpersonal traumas we've had since birth have left us with a very flimsy physiological response. When I had my breakdown I felt my nervous system go to another level of flimsiness. It makes me really sad.
I had a lot of tears, sadness and grief wash over me yesterday too.
I sit here by myself in my 1 bedroom apartment some days and think how nice it would be if I had a loving partner to hold me, and someone who loved me at times like that.
The absence of touch in my childhood has really taken a toll, and I am sure that if I had more affection and intimacy in my life I would recalibrate my nervous system more quickly. It's something partnered people, or people who have had very little time when they've been single for long periods, take for granted.
So instead of having humans to help me keep my physiological response down, I have had to create and rely upon making a bubble and my own cocoon.
I may be safe in my bubble, but I am not free.
I guess that's the saddest part.
You will get there @Hope4me. Our roads are just more windy and a little more convoluted. More stops and starts, than others, who have better health and more love, understanding and affection.
I'll be thinking of you.
I saw my doc twice last week and he wanted me to try and focus as best as I can. I think he's realised that I am so symptomatic that instead of trying to burst the bubble, and pressure me, it's actually only because of the bubble that I am still here.
He got out my file from my hospitalisation cos we were talking about pharma again, and he was looking at the ECG, and I think this is why I felt so sad for myself yesterday, cos he said, "I have been around a very long time, and that is the lowest heart rate that I have ever seen". It's my dissociation, physiology doesn't lie. He took it on Friday and it has improved slightly, but can change suddenly because I am easily triggered and go into these states, or flip into hyper-arousal. He wrote up a list of 'stabilising behaviours', and 'destabilising behaviours', that put me in this trance-like state, where I can't concentrate for the life of me, printed it out and gave it to me. I know that the Internet can be very triggering with my flimsy nervous system so I am limited with what I can do, and the support I can give to others who are suffering. It's not that I don't want to support people more, it's just that all this trauma has stuffed my body. I hope you understand @Hope4me. I wish I could hang out more.
It's lonely in the bubble some days, but I know that I need more face-to-face with kind people. It's hard making lasting friendships and takes a lot of time, for all of us. I've only been back in Sydney 4 years after 16 years in regional Australia, and it's tough making mates. I don't regret the move though, this is my home now.
The Mardi Gras Film Festival goes out west later in the year. I hope to see some of it in the big smoke, I hope that you can catch some of the films out there in the bush @Hope4me. A bit of escapism is wonderful.
Hope that you got some Z's and feel rested. Enjoy a lovely hot cuppa. I would run over my Nana for a cup of tea right now, so I best go make it!
Corny xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
