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utopiaSenior Contributor27 Aug 2017, 3:34 pm AEST

HOME

Well I'm finally home (again).
4 hospital stays in 91 days. Wow. No wonder it feels so strange to be in my own house again. Adjusting will take time. Cooking for myself will take time.
My house is in the same condition in which I left it. A pigsty. So no one room has warmth and charm to lift my mood. Will have to slowly start cleaning up - one room at a time.
I did go and watch my son play soccer in the finals. I'd been so sick this year - thst it was the first game I had been to all year. His team lost. But they play again next week. So still stand a chance of playing the grand final.
My son is still living with my mum. Has been since the end of April. Hopefully he will see how much I've improved on my new anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. Then he may choose to come home soon.
Was up and doing the washing early this morning. But now reading a book in bed.
Am very bored. But have AA Meeting tomorrow night.
And I have my WorkCover IME (independent Medical Examination) - psych interview with a tough psychiatric on the 30th of this month. Think it could be on Wednesday. And then I have my much waited for Psychologist appointment. Can't see him when I'm in hospital (too far away).
So that's it for now. A new thread for a new beginning.
@Zoe7 @soul @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Bast @oceangirl @outlander @Former-Member @Teej @BlueBay @Owlunar

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In response to: HOME

utopiaSenior Contributor12 Feb 2018, 11:40 am AEDT

Re: HOME

My psychiatrist called. Had a chat for a while. He thinks I need to change anti depressant - as it does not work.
He is contacting WorkCover to try and get approval for a hospital stay.
God only knows what WorkCover will say. They don't like paying for hospital. They make it hard to get approval. Doesn't seem to matter how much you need it.
Had Support Worker here this morning. Didn't want to see her. She took photos of my garden - totally overgrown with weeds. As she is putting in a request for WorkCover to pay someone to cut it all back. Some weeds are taller than me. Grass is knee high. All garden beds - full of weeds. Totally out of control.
So flat but so restless at the same time. Don't know what to do.

In response to: Re: HOME

soulSenior Contributor12 Feb 2018, 12:35 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

Sorry that you're feeling this way @utopia. Know all about ignorant people. That's why I didn't even attempt to confide in my family about my problems. I mentioned one small thing to my younger brother once and he basically said it was my fault - no empathy whatsoever.

Best to kept contact with unhelpful people to an absolute minimum and brace yourself for their comments if you do need to communicate with them for whatever reason.It's like talking quantum theory to the average Joe or Josephine. They just don't get it.

Acccept help and don't feel guilty about it. All things will pass. Good things turn worse and bad things get better. You're going through bad stuff at the moment. Nothing stays the same.

How are you currently feeling about going to hospital?

In response to: Re: HOME

Unknown userMember12 Feb 2018, 1:34 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

So sorry you are feeling so low @utopia I realise you didnt' want to see the support worker, but what wonderful support for her to do something about getting help for your garden! I've not experienced that kind of support, didnt' know it could happen. It would be so nice to get your garden into some semblance of tidy.

I've been thinking about you and wondering if there is any way of managing your mother to get some of the heavier jobs that would make you feel better done. Please forgive me if you think I'm just interfering, and tell me to mind my own business too. I know there is so much more to situations like this than it seems. When people don't get it, it's so hard to know what to do to get help for oneself.

When your mother asks if there is anything she can do, have you ever tried to give her a bit of a list of things you'd like to get done, like washing, ironing, cooking a few meals (at her place) and bringing them over for you to freeze for later? Even set time limits on how long she can be in your space and restrict what she can do, like no reorganising utopia's cupboards putting stuff where she thinks it should be.

Is there any stuff you could get her to do and also deal with any chatter from her (which seems like it's going to be there whether you get her to do stuff or not)? it'd be hard, but the trade off might be okay if it would help you get out of this low.

Just trying to think from both points of view here, if she's trying to figure out how to help but has no idea of what to do for you, she's probably going into her own stress mode of problem solving AT you, instead of WITH you.

Or maybe even get your support worker to help with sorting such a plan with her?

I dunno, I'll just shut up now.

I hope things get better soon.

In response to: HOME

utopiaSenior Contributor12 Feb 2018, 1:54 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

@soul. How to I feel about going to hospital?
Like I've failed again. Like this nightmare called depression will always be here. That even if I get better, it will only be temporary until the next episode hits, and another one after that.
But the meds aren't working. So they have to be changed. I don't want to detox and then start on new meds on my own, at home. I'd feel safer doing it in hospital.
Worried I'll get to hospital and they'll say I'm not sick enough to be there, or will only get a short stay.
Worried WorkCover will say no to a hospital stay.
Worried the new meds won't work.
Worried this is my life. And nothing will ever change.
Worried if I don't go to hospital, I'll keep researching suicide. And the more I think about that, the more likely I will die.
Seems it doesn't matter what I do. I'm stuffed either way.
@Former-Member - mum wants to help. It's me who keeps saying no.
If I get her to help me it just proves that I'm hopeless and I can't manage my own life. I'm 46. I should be able to do it.

In response to: HOME

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor12 Feb 2018, 2:03 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

💜 @utopia ......

In response to: Re: HOME

soulSenior Contributor12 Feb 2018, 2:06 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

That's a lot of stuff to deal with @utopia. I'm sitting here listening to you wishing there was something I could do to help like throw you a rope and pull you out of the deep hole you are currently in. If only it was that simple. But we know it isn't.

Definitely a better option to adjust meds in hospital rather than wing it on your own. Don't feel like a failure. You are trying the best you can. You've gotten through the morning. That's good. Now for the afternoon and then the evening. And then the next day. Don't look too far ahead. Don't regret all the stuff in the past. Just live in the right now and deal with that.

Do you have something to do that might help take your mind off things? Sounds like so many scary thoughts are racing through your head.

Really feeling for you as many here are.

In response to: Re: HOME

Unknown userMember12 Feb 2018, 2:17 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

Oh @utopia I wish you didn't feel like that, but I understand. It's so hard to accept help, even harder to ask for it.

I have only known you for a short time and I can see from what you write that you are not a failure. You have achieved many successes, I wish you could see that those things that have not worked out according to plan don't mean you're a failure.

As Soul has said, dealing with this stuff isn't simple, how I wish it was, for all of us.

Just focus on the one thing that you want to do/ get done right now. Then maybe the next thing. One thing. Moment by moment.

I hope you learn to see your strengths and trust yourself one day.

In response to: HOME

utopiaSenior Contributor12 Feb 2018, 2:44 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

WorkCover have said yes to a 7 day stay at hospital - to be reviewed.
Now waiting to see if hospital has a bed for me tomorrow or Wednesday

In response to: Re: HOME

soulSenior Contributor12 Feb 2018, 2:46 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

That's a good start @utopia. Things are moving along. Hope it will be a productive and useful time for you.

In response to: HOME

utopiaSenior Contributor12 Feb 2018, 2:54 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

My mum and sister won't take my dogs while I'm in hospital. My sister says it's not fair to ask. That I never just stay 7 days. I always stay longer. And it's not fair of me to ask mum as she will now have to look after my son.
See. A total burden on my family. They are sick of me being sick. They blame me. What's the point.

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