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utopiaSenior Contributor27 Aug 2017, 3:34 pm AEST

HOME

Well I'm finally home (again).
4 hospital stays in 91 days. Wow. No wonder it feels so strange to be in my own house again. Adjusting will take time. Cooking for myself will take time.
My house is in the same condition in which I left it. A pigsty. So no one room has warmth and charm to lift my mood. Will have to slowly start cleaning up - one room at a time.
I did go and watch my son play soccer in the finals. I'd been so sick this year - thst it was the first game I had been to all year. His team lost. But they play again next week. So still stand a chance of playing the grand final.
My son is still living with my mum. Has been since the end of April. Hopefully he will see how much I've improved on my new anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. Then he may choose to come home soon.
Was up and doing the washing early this morning. But now reading a book in bed.
Am very bored. But have AA Meeting tomorrow night.
And I have my WorkCover IME (independent Medical Examination) - psych interview with a tough psychiatric on the 30th of this month. Think it could be on Wednesday. And then I have my much waited for Psychologist appointment. Can't see him when I'm in hospital (too far away).
So that's it for now. A new thread for a new beginning.
@Zoe7 @soul @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Bast @oceangirl @outlander @Former-Member @Teej @BlueBay @Owlunar

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In response to: HOME

Unknown userMember10 Feb 2018, 10:54 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

Hugs @utopia

In response to: HOME

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor10 Feb 2018, 11:39 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

Whoa ..... @utopia ...... so sorry to hear your mum has no real understanding for what you’re going through. That is so tough.

I know it doesn’t help your situation at all, but my hubby’s kinfolk don’t understand that he is unwell ..... even faced with what would seem very obvious ....

The fact that you do understand, and your doctors understand ..... can you let that be enough to go around your mother’s lack of understanding ? It is probably more about the impact of it, being on the other end of the phone and hearing these things said when you have no reserve to deal with them, huh ?

Sending gentle hugs your way too @utopia. That really sucks. Are you going to manage tonight in the realm of okay-ish ?

In response to: HOME

utopiaSenior Contributor11 Feb 2018, 2:28 am AEDT

Re: HOME

@Faith-and-Hope
We had a family meeting last year. Mum me my son and psychologist. He explained everything to her. She got it.
She just wants some way to fix this. To fix me. She wants me there for my son.
But I can't do it. It takes so much energy to go and check on him and say. To try to have a conversation with him. I do try. I try really hard.
But I'm failing at it all.
I don't clean up. I don't shower. I haven't made my bed in about a month. I haven't walked the dogs since I can't even remember. I live in a pig sty.
I let my son live in this pigsty. I don't protect him from my depression. I can't protect him from anything when I'm so sick. I'm totally failing as a mum.
Obviously I'm failing as a daughter too. All that happens is I make other people do what I can't. Raise my son.
I used to be a great mum. Always asking him questions. Teaching him. Having a laugh together. There is no laughter in our home. I don't think there has been for years - not since I got sick. What's that doing to my son? I'm totally f***ing him up. No laughter. No light. I've failed.

In response to: HOME

Eden1919Senior Contributor11 Feb 2018, 3:10 am AEDT

Re: HOME

@utopia big hugs first of all and I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I can totally empathize with you about finding nothing to be working I am in the same spot you try this and that and everything you can think of but nothing seems to make it stop and even if it does help it never seems to last. I don't think that makes you a failure though if you had cancer and were sick and couldn't clean the house and walk the dogs you wouldn't be calling yourself a failure. It is the same with depression it is not a choice to have it and once it is there you can't just turn it on and off. You are doing the best you can. I mean honestly you should be congratulating yourself for still being alive for your son. It is hard though to be a mum anyway well I don't know from experience but I imagine it is and to do that with severe depression must just be so difficult. Try not to be so hard on yourself you deserve some peace. Just keep going that in itself is a success.

In response to: Re: HOME

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor11 Feb 2018, 7:20 am AEDT

Re: HOME

@utopia ... illness, any illness, is not your / our / their fault .... you know this. You can recognise it in others, but part of the illness is lacking empathy for yourself in your own circumstances.

You haven’t failed as a mother. Whatever state it might be in, your son has a home, and he is loved. @Eden1919 is right, if this illness were as obvious as cancer, you would not be beating yourself up this way ..... your mother would not be asking those frustrated questions .... your son would not be rolling his eyes. You got your son to school with his schoolbooks. You are operating from the baseline because you are unwell. That’s it.

And it’s not your fault that you’re unwell, so under these circumstances you are doing the best you can ..... and the most helpful thing would be if your son could hold up his end a bit (not clean up the whole house, but just do his own washing .... cook a meal on your most exhausted days .... bring home the occasional shopping item when it’s run out (like milk, bread, toilet paper) ..... and maybe keep things a bit straightened up according to how he has seen you keep house before .... take the rubbish out maybe ....

And your Mum can offer to drop your son to school .... offer to do a sinful of dishes as she comes past ... make you some breakfast or a cuppa .... help a bit with the shopping or a cooked meal ... exactly as you would with any other illness.

If you feel unable to take care of yourself at home, and the doctor is suggesting hospital, perhaps you need that propping up and re-energising support again to help you get your feet back under you. Please accept the help that is being offered @utopia. It’s the illness that is convincing you that it is pointless. You have faith in this doctor, right ? And his professional judgement is that you need this.

In response to: HOME

utopiaSenior Contributor11 Feb 2018, 1:35 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

So mum rang, again. Asked what I'm doing. I said I've hung up a load of washing and have put another load in the machine.
That's good she said. What else you doing. I said nothing.
She asked about my son. I said he's still asleep. I can't wake him.
Then she starts in on me.
Well what are you going to do? He's doing this because of you. Your teaching him how to be depressed.
I told her to FO and hung up.
Way to go on trying to lift my spirits.

In response to: HOME

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor11 Feb 2018, 1:42 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

Here’s an FYI for you @utopia ..... in their mid to late teens right into their early 20’s kids go through a major brain growth period, and it makes them want to sleep long hours ..... you can look it up so you can tell your mum to back off, it’s Sunday and the boy is sleeping with his free time ..... if you want to.

It would be different if he was not meeting school attendance and other things.

Teens need to be guided .... not controlled .... although many a well intended parent follows the control path, for their own needs, and perhaps based on the way their parents raised them.

This is now a major area of problem
In our home situation and it has taken mh staff to over-ride the parenting ideas from my mil rolling forward.

In response to: Re: HOME

Unknown userMember11 Feb 2018, 2:47 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

hello @utopia

well meaning family can be the bane of our lives...

they certainly have been in mine...

you just need to look on the bright side of things

it is just life and we all have to get on with it

in relation to my missing son.....you cannot be thinking about him..he needs to look after himself...you have to get on with your own life..

all pearls of wisdom shared by mum after being released from clinic about 4 years ago....

needless to say they don't mention him at all now..

as far as your mum's comment...how can you teach someone to be depressed?

see it as it is Utopia....a different generation....not about you personally...she is most likely worried sick and unable to express that...so turns it back at you...I know this about my mum now...she could not cope so had to push it totally out of her mind...very stoic..

take care utopia

In response to: Re: HOME

Unknown userMember11 Feb 2018, 3:36 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

Hi @utopia - I guess your mother is just a product of her generation where MH issues aren't discussed or just self-medicated with alcohol. As long as your son is doing OK at school, not taking drugs or getting into trouble I think you are doing OK as a parent - my psychologist tells me that a disfunctional parent is better than an absent parent and I can see that is true. Even if you're not at "full capacity" at least you are there for him. I don't think you can teach someone to be depressed - that was probably a kneejerk comment on her part probably to get a reaction or inspire you in some way to "snap out of it". Again just the way people of her generation act towards MH even though it was just as prevalent then as it is now. When I researched my family tree there was an astounding number of people who'd died young from chronic alcoholism - this was how they dealt with their own demons as there was no other option for them. In these times we can reach out for support anytime even if it is just over the internet. I really hope this bad time passes soon - you've got through this before and you will again.

In response to: Re: HOME

BlueBaySenior Contributor11 Feb 2018, 4:27 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

Oh hugs @utopia

when my two adult boys were teenagers they slept and slept. even now they would sleep in if they had the chance to.

i agree with what @Faith-and-Hope wrote

your mum is from a different generation and doesn't understand

hugs to you my friend. i was just thinking of you and saw this post. pls take care

BB xxoo

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