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utopiaSenior Contributor27 Aug 2017, 3:34 pm AEST

HOME

Well I'm finally home (again).
4 hospital stays in 91 days. Wow. No wonder it feels so strange to be in my own house again. Adjusting will take time. Cooking for myself will take time.
My house is in the same condition in which I left it. A pigsty. So no one room has warmth and charm to lift my mood. Will have to slowly start cleaning up - one room at a time.
I did go and watch my son play soccer in the finals. I'd been so sick this year - thst it was the first game I had been to all year. His team lost. But they play again next week. So still stand a chance of playing the grand final.
My son is still living with my mum. Has been since the end of April. Hopefully he will see how much I've improved on my new anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. Then he may choose to come home soon.
Was up and doing the washing early this morning. But now reading a book in bed.
Am very bored. But have AA Meeting tomorrow night.
And I have my WorkCover IME (independent Medical Examination) - psych interview with a tough psychiatric on the 30th of this month. Think it could be on Wednesday. And then I have my much waited for Psychologist appointment. Can't see him when I'm in hospital (too far away).
So that's it for now. A new thread for a new beginning.
@Zoe7 @soul @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Bast @oceangirl @outlander @Former-Member @Teej @BlueBay @Owlunar

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In response to: HOME

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor09 Oct 2017, 1:50 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

That's good news @utopia .... ❣️

In response to: HOME

utopiaSenior Contributor09 Oct 2017, 3:34 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

Just got back from the doctors and pharmacy. I'd run out of my physical illness meds - for blood pressure and cholesterol. Anxiety was there in the doctors. Creeping louder and closer when I was at the chemist. Tremling hands. Teary. Feeling unsafe.
Came home and just took some prn - calming tablets.
Now I'm so frustrated with myself for getting anxiety.
I'm taking my son and his mate to soccer training tonight - the first time I've done it.
And then my son agreed to sleep over at my place tonight & we would get take away for dinner. I was really looking forward to this.
This would have been the first time since late April that he would have slept here. It was meant to be a beginning for us. For him to see how well I'm going. For him to feel comfortable at home and so hopefully decide to move back permanently.
And now it's not going to happen. This anxiety has hit. I really think it's the stopping of those anti anxiety meds. The anxiety seems to hit in the afternoons. Even if I'm keeping my mind and body busy - it still hits.
There is no way I can drive to soccer training when I've taken these 'calmers' & they haven't kicked in yet - so I'm far too anxious to drive 45 minutes on back country roads. And then I can't have him see me so anxious. So now thewhole pplan is ruined. That just increases the anxiety.

In response to: Re: HOME

Unknown userMember09 Oct 2017, 3:54 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

Hi @utopia,

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment. It sounds like you had hope that tonight could be a new start for your son and you, but your anxiety has hit you hard today - this is even more difficult when you are frustrated at yourself for feeling this way in the first place.

I am concerned for you, given you said you feel "unsafe." I just wanted to let you know that I have sent a check-in email.

Kindest Regards,

Amour_Et_Psyché

In response to: Re: HOME

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor09 Oct 2017, 3:57 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

Oh dear @utopia .....

Having been to family counselling together, can you explain some of this to him ? That you are undergoing a change in medications so you are feeling that it might not be a good idea for you to be driving the country roads at night, so in order to be responsible, you would like to suggest changing that part of the plan .... and ask someone else to step in fir the trip to training and back. Meantime the calmers will kick in, and hopefully that will help to de-stress you, so you can still go ahead with the sleep-over and dinner plans.

Does that sound workable ?

In response to: HOME

utopiaSenior Contributor09 Oct 2017, 4:06 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

@Faith-and-Hope. I just feel so teary. I can't have him here when I'm this anxious. How can I show I'm getting better when I've had 4 days of anxiety & each worse.
My sister is telling me to rest for an hour and then take him to soccer. I said I can't drive when I've taken those meds. It's not possible. She said you promised.
I suggested she look up anxiety on Google and how it would have been nice to have some support and understanding from her.
This is where isolation with MI comes into play.I just can't do it.

In response to: Re: HOME

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor09 Oct 2017, 4:21 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

@utopia .... it's just a hunch, but I don't think your son will be expecting perfection. I think he will be looking for open and honest communication, and the young adult understanding of what you are going through, and where your integrity lies .....

Can you not let him know that the withdrawal of medications has left you feeling teary, but it's a temporary response that you hadn't anticipated tonight .... but that is all it is .... and you're feeling a bit upset about it ?

That way you are leaving room for help m to express understanding and compassion, maybe ?

It's scary but perhaps it doesn't have to be all or nothing ?

If you and your son agree on that, can you call your sister back and ask her to drive him to practice, because you have an agreement with him about the rest of the evening ?

Hugs Hon ..... in counselling he expressed the wish to engage with you in your recovery, right ? Be as brave as you can with this. It isn't easy, but you might find it is still doable.

💜

In response to: HOME

utopiaSenior Contributor09 Oct 2017, 4:33 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

My son walked from school straight here. I told him I can't take you to soccer and explained why. Then he informs me - no soccer training on tonight.
I asked him if he still wanted to sleep over tonight. He said yes.
So he's in his room eating - like a teenager after school.
Me, the tablets have made me drowsy and I need to sleep for a bit - before we go and get take away for dinner.

In response to: Re: HOME

Unknown userMember09 Oct 2017, 5:41 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

Hi @utopia - that sounds like a good outcome. Pity your sister couldn't show a bit more empathy.

In response to: HOME

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor09 Oct 2017, 8:10 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

I agree .... @Former-Member @utopia .....

We have lost notifications on the forums this afternoon, for some unexplained reason, so I am just leaving this here for when they are restored.

Came to check on you @utopia ..... so glad to hear this outcome .... 🤗

💜

In response to: HOME

Unknown userMember09 Oct 2017, 8:49 pm AEDT

Re: HOME

Hi @utopia, glad you have an answer for why u feel so crap (withdrawals), give yourself time 💓💜💓 There are herbal relaxants - just check with pharmacist re drug interactions, remember to eat your vegies & meat 🙂 I'm glad your son is with you tonight and you're gonna go grab takeaway. I had a fortnightly ritual with the kidz of fish & chips and a hire movie. Still do it when my son comes home, he loves it. Building memories together - that's what its all about. I agree with F&H that your son doesn't need to know all the details and probably doesn't expect too much. Just show you love him to pieces 🙂 With your sister - I do know how it is - the MI isolation. I was really anxious the other day with workers here triggering flashbacks... and irrational thoughts. I tried to settle, Mostly layng on the couch trying to meditate and CBT the thoughts. My son rang and I told him I'd locked myself in and really worried - he said I was being 'silly' I never ask but this time rang 2friends to pop over n t they couldn't "its just anxiety, you'll be fine" (yeah right well I wasnt 'fine' when it happened years ago, it was horrible. Let the tears flow, they are a release, and pray, that makes me feel less alone. Your situation is hard but I'm so impressed you're working with your psych's recommendations - even when it's this hard hugzz. I'm sure it will pay off. Take care 🐦💜🐦

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