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Hi @utopia

I hope thst your son will see someone at headspace.

You must miss him not been home.

Thst sucks about your appt.

take care @utopia

chat soon ❤️❤️

sending you hugs @utopia

Next appointment to see surgeon is early September. One month to wait.

Had my ultrasound on my right thumb/wrist today. Blood flow is good. 👍.

My son doesn't feel the same about his girlfriend anymore, but won't break up with her. He doesn't know what to do. Then he has issues with me. Lots of other worries. I think it's doing his head in. Too much pressure. So talking with HeadSpace should really help. He's not usually one to talk about anything personal.

So I worry about him. Mum tells me I'm too strong a personality and that I need to dial it back a bit and realise my boy may not like what I do.

He is embarrassed about how I dress. Tracksuit. Slippers or thongs.

So seems I'm not doing anything right.

I've told mum I'm struggling with my depression. So I can't do anything more than I'm currently doing. I don't think she thinks that is enough.

Suicidal thoughts are always lurking at the back of my head.

Life is hard.

Here and listening @utopia . I hope you can dial back your mum’s (well intended) advice and just keep focusing on doing what you can do.

Speaking as the mum of kids that have stuff to sort out for themselves, your son is of an age, and has made decisions that he is and will continue to work out for himself. You care, and sometimes that’s all we can do, but it’s part of being enough .... and you are enough. How you dress, particularly with depression challenges, is up to you, and if your counsellor and you agree that it is something you need to consider, I am sure you will come to it in your own time, your own way.

I am glad you are here and posting, and the ultrasound came up good ... 👍

Had my psychologist appointment today. Didn't go well.

Everything she suggested I said no to.

I was in a cranky defiant depressed mood. I told her about Sunday and calling LifeLine. I told her the suicidal thoughts are pretty constant. I told her my house wasn't messy, it is feral. Nothing is clean. Shit is everywhere. This is not a way to live.

I told her I wished my blog clot and heart problems would just die me. Save me the trouble of having to do it.

She mentioned that she believes I have unrepeatable depression. That's not what I want to hear today. And she spoke about ECT!!!! For God's sake. I'm never doing ECT.

I'm too afraid to die. I worry about the pain. But I don't want to live anymore either.

She suggested I go to hospital. I don't know.

But I rang my psychiatrist and left a message with his secretary that I need to come to hospital.

I fear if I don't go to hospital, then this weekend I'll start making plans to die.

I've thought of so many ways. Discounted a few. But not allowed to talk about that here.

Depression has his grip on me firmly. I'm drowning and can't get out of the hole. It feels like it will always be this way.

I'm tired of it.

This isn't living.

No job. No proper income. Only 1 friend left. A son who doesn't like me or want to live with me. A pigsty of a house. I'm so bloody fat. I'm ugly. No one to talk to. Single for more than 10 years plus. Physical health problems. Am a drinker and a smoker. Am lazy. Have no energy. No motivation.

I quit counselling today. Told her I didn't want to come back. She was OK with that. What does that tell you?

I'm just f***ed!

Hearing you @utopia.

I don’t care what size you are. I don’t care what state your house is in. Both can change. I care about you, about the beautiful person I have met here who is battling through sh*t circumstances, with a teenage-dragon son which makes you feel worse about yourself cos they give awful messages from their not-adult-yet life perspectives, and I really want you to find reasons to want to live ..... I love the sense of humour that is still in there, even if it’s running on heavy-gauge sarcasm at the moment, and you do, in fact, have a big loving heart when it’s not weighed down under a sh*t-load of depression .....

Please keep swimming, or floating, or floating with floaties, or whatever you have to do to keep going ..... your son will grow up and wake up to the fact that he can help you by beli bing in you ..... and I would like to see your mum get with that program too.

Hugs n hugs Hon. Vent as much as you want. If this feels like rock bottom, just sit and rest a while. The energy to to put one foot after another and begin climbing back up can return. Give it a chance, huh ?

💜💜💜

Hey @utopia really sitting with you and understanding the level of pain and that sense of "there's just too much" to work through. Please know you're not alone, and although I totally understand in this moment you may not feel the truth behind the sentiment - you are beyond worthy. I am going to e-mail you in a moment

Oh wow @Faith-and-Hope

Second all of that @utopia

@utopia I echo everything @Faith-and-Hope has said my beautiful cocky friend. You have entertained me with your humour, encouraged me with your compassion and supported me with your wisdom over the years and it does not matter to us here what you look like, what state your home is in or what you do to help you get through - all we see is a wonderful person who is really struggling with life. You are definitely not alone in that Hon and have support here to help you through this.

It really does seem like hospital is a good option for you right now and requesting that takes courge ...and a will to go on - you just need help right now to do that. We all know it isn't easy but you have taken the first step in seeking help and that is encouraging. It is a horrible place to be sitting when you cannot get any pleasure at all from anything and you feel like mo-one understands or is there for you - but we are here for you and sitting right next to you while you work through this. Many hugs and a whole lot of love coming your way my friend - you matter to us ...a lot

So just before 3pm my ph rings. It's the secretary for my psychiatrist. She tells me that he has just finished his hospital rounds and has now gone home. WTF!!!

gone home. But he hasn't called me yet.

Secretary tells me my psych will call me sometime on Monday, but that in the meantime I should go to the local inpatient unit, if I'm unwell.

The local Inpatient Unit!! At the place I used to work at!!

The place 5 years ago, where all this happened to my mental health!!

To be sedated by staff I know.

To be added to their patient list and have a file made about me.

To have anyone look up my personal information. Including my managers manager, that out me in this head space.

I don't bloody think so!!!!

Why would my psych suggest this? Surely he remembers I'm suing them. Surely he remembers I still panic about those memories.

Obviously not. Or else he's a sadistic psych.

The secretary is talking, rabbiting on, trying to make me feel better, because even she knows what he's done is wrong.

I say, it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter, and I hang up on her.

So my psychologist didn't fight to keep me in therapy.

My psych couldn't be bothered to ph me and help me. And to rub salt in my wound, told me to go to my ex workplace to get help this weekend.

And now I have the weekend to get through.

I went to sleep for 4 hours.

I wish I had drugs. Something to take away the pain and any feelings I have.

I hurt.