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I'm so angry!!!!!!!

I go to get my blood thinning injection in the stomach, this morning at the local hospital, as I do twice a day for the past 15 bloody days.

But because I'm under a Hospital in the Home program from the big town hospital, they keep interfering.

They are not happy with my blood pressure. I told them to relax. My blood pressure can go from 220/ to 134/ from the morning read to the evening read. I have white coat syndrome, so I don't believe any of the blood pressure readings are correct and I'm not worried.

But they are worried so much in the big hospital that their doctor, who just happens to be on his way to my small town, will stop and check in on me.

So far a 5 minute or less procedure has taken an hour before the doctor arrives.

He tells me he wants me on a second blood pressure tablet. But a different one than I'm already taking. I said no. So that I take 2 different types of BP medicine each day.

If the tablets were any good, or I really have high BP, then 1 tablet would be enough

So then he starts slowly explaining how I could die!!!!! Trying to f***ing scare me. As if I'm an imbecile.

I'm so bloody angry. They aren't listening to me.

If they mention BP or try to take my BP, my BP will go up. It's the white coat syndrome. If they don't mention it, no high BP. only my gp can take my BP without getting the white coat syndrome.

But they aren't listening to me.

Yesterday I was due to have a massage. A gift from my best friend. And I have a sore back, so I thought it would be helpful.

I get there at 11.15. The masseuse tells me the appointment is for 1.15. Oops my friend told me the wrong time. So I go back at 1.15. By now I'm really excited to have a massage.

But no, he won't massage me.

Because I have a blood clot in my arm, it's too risky and if the clot or a part of it comes loose, I could die!!

I'm sick of people telling me I could die. I'm jabbed in the stomach twice a day. The needles are not always sharp and gentle. My fingers get pricked every day for my INR numbers.

I'm so over being poked and prodded and treated like an invalid. Or that I don't know how my own body works. Being a F***ing guinea pig for the medical staff. I'm over it.

So want to cry buckets of tears, but of course I can't. My psych meds make me numb to crying.

Oh the irony.

Think of the first one as the dr/s @utopia , and snuggle yourself in under the second one for a while ......

Hugs n hugs Hon ....., seriously sh***y !!

Sending some thoughts your way @utopia .

Having a bad day.

Forgot to take my meds last 2 days. I know! All rectified now.

Have been very uncomfortable physically and in some pain last few days.

Last night I went to bed early.

Spent most of today sleeping. Best self care when I feel like this.

Tomorrow should be better.

That is not great @utopia but hope tomorrow is better for you

Just needed to vent. To write it down.

Love to you @Zoe7

I hope today is a better day for you @utopia

hugs ❤️

Hope the meds have kicked in again @utopia and your day has been okay. Vent away anytime my little cocky friend - only too happy to read it when I am around. Love to you too Hon

@BlueBay @Zoe7

Yes the meds have kicked in. Thank god. Sunday night I ended up ringing LifeLine. Had really strong suicidal thoughts.

Today got up early to get to the hospital as I had an appointment with the surgeon who would explain all my test results and what is happening with my arteries and heart. I get there. The receptionist tells me my appointment was yesterday. Not happy.

My son is still living with my mum and has no intention of returning home. Breaks my heart. But I can't blame him.

His girlfriend finally convinced him to go and speak to someone at HeadSpace. Fingers crossed that helps him.

Oh @utopia that sucks about the appointment. Did you get to see someone anyway or did you need to reshedule? It is good your son is going to see someone - it might give him a new perspective on what you have been dealing with as well as help him too. It is not ideal that he is still living with your Mum but it is also good that he has a place to go. It is lovely that he still has his girlfriend also and that she has a positive influence on him.

Fingers crossed here that seeing someone helps your son as well and sending much love to you my beautiful cocky friend. Miss having you around but so glad when you check in