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Saw my psychologist today in the big town. He no longer travels to my small town, so I have to see him there now.

Well my depression is back. Bastards didn't stay away for long. I'm really irritable. Angry. Down. Numb. All at the same time.

Monday I halved one of my mood stabilisers as advised by my psychiatrist that day. That could be causing this shift in mood. Maybe.

I'm glad today my son hasn't come home yet. Coz I don't want to have to deal with that at the moment. Feeling terribly lazy. Not doing anything at all. My psychologist says it's not laziness, it's the depression. Still feels lazy to me.

Negative self talk is back with a vengeance. It has nothing positive to say. And it's so easy to start believing what it says.

So bloody scared that this is it. Another episode of Depression after only 6 weeks of freedom. It's far too hard to keep dealing with it. My mind keeps asking, will this episode last 18 months like the last one? Because I couldn't deal with it, if that was the case. So my mind then automatically goes to suicidal thoughts again. How quickly this all happens. Looking into the vortex of depression again is not where I am meant to be. I was hoping for maybe a year or two depression free. 6 weeks of freedom isn't worth the 18 months of torture I went through before. It can't be.

Feeling sad, but no tears. Numb. Scared. Over it.

Warm thoughts

Hi my beautiful cocky friend. Just checking in to see how you are doing and saw your most recent post. Don't know how I missed that one - so sorry that depression has hit again - thinking of you Hon and very much hoping you are doing ok @utopia

I'm doing play now. That day I missed my meds 2 days in a row. Withdrawal from anti depressant was instant. Back taking meds at right time every day. @Zoe7.

Painting the doors and door frames in my house - white. They make the place look brighter and fresher. But doing it one door every 2 days. Taking my time.

Thanks for checking up on me.

How are you going? Toby and Cat alright? You still doing your art/painting?

I am so pleased it was a med miss and nothing more @utopia - you have made my night hearing you are back on track - yea, happy dance!!!!

I am doing ok - had a couple of not great nights but getting by ok. Had the pool today and DBT tomorrow. Have been doing a little gardening, bought some more plants and finished weeding 3 out of the four sections. The last one is a big area and needs things moved before I can weed it but that are is planned for Thursday and Friday.

Cat and Toby are doing well - Cat turned 10 a few days ago and Toby will be 5 in a couple of months but they are well and happy and that is all that is important. How is Abbey and Dog?

I haven't been doing any painting but it is all set up ready to go - haven't been in the headspace yet to start - maybe tomorrow after DBT and my psych appointment.

It is great that you are painting the doors - and white does make everything look refreshing - it also doesn't show up as much if you make a mistake lol. My doorframes and all edgings are green in the loungeroom and dining room - I only have doors to the bedrooms though - which is good because the rooms are not huge and doors would take up too much room.

@Zoe7.good to hear you are doing alright. But hope the nights become easier to sleep through.

My hall and dining room were painted 2 years ago by my 2 friends - while I was in hospital. I already had the paint. It's green. Where the trim is high above the wall, they painted it white. It looks really good. My doors and door frames are a dirty off white/cream. They look awful. Dull. Old. Now I've only put the first coat of white on 2 doors and frames, but wow, they look great and fresh.

In the back of my mind I'm scared about falling into depressions grip again. So I panicked last week. Lol. Just need to take meds and I'll be OK. One of my mood stabilisers has been halved. No negative effects. Hopefully next month we can stop taking the other half. My psych thinks it's the 2nd mood stabalizer that is working for me. I think he might be right.

Abbey and Dog are well. Abbey desperately needs a bath and a trim. Will see if I can book her in with a lady mum has used for her dog.

It is so good to hear you are doing much better again @utopia It will be good if you can get off one of the meds - especially if the other one is the one that is working for you.

My walls are cream with green trims but the hallway is green with cream trims. Eventually the bedrooms will be the same as the hallway but there is a lot that need to be done before I can do that.

I hope you can get Abbey into the women your mum uses to have a wash and haircut - Toby is gettng to the stage again where he needs a haircut soon too but he can see out of his eyes and he isn't treading on his own tail so it can wait another week or so.

I am doing better than I was but the big hurdle will come next week when my GP and pdoc come back and work is able to contact them. Tht will determine when I can go back to work and how that will look. Still so much up in the air for me but there is nothing I can do about it until everyone is back next week. I am trying to stay positive about it all and enjoy the time I may have left before thst all happens. I am still going to the pool twice a week and doing DBT - then there is chemist pickup on Mondays - so I am out 4 times a week at the moment - and that routine is important for me to be able to deal with the routine of work also. I know it is going to be very different but some routine is better than none.

A routine is very important. Good that you have one now and you'll adjust it to fit in work. @Zoe7.

Is it scary or calming thinking about going back to work ?

I think it is more scary than calming @utopia I don't know what to expect because I have been away for such a long time. I am trying to stay calm however and not get too bogged down in the what ifs or maybes around it as there are things now that are completely out of my control. I have to let HR and my gp (when she is back next week) deal with it for me.

I think once I get back there and begin the actual work that it will be a relief but I am also exoecting to be super tired - that is why the plan is to start with 2 half days to begin with and increase that to 2 full days after a couple of weeks ...that part will depend on how I am coping with the 2 half days though.