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Have had to edit my post. So here is the modified version. Hope it passes.

@Teej@Faith-and-Hope@Zoe7@Mazarita@BlueBay

Rang SANE. Left message. They called me back today. Didn't answer their call. Rang LifeLine. 'Your not suicidal. Good. Talk to your psychologist'. Was their response. Rang beyond blue. Could hardly understand him due to thick accent. He wanted me to do breathing. I was breathing fine. So I hung up on him.

Saw my gp today. She told me my son can't be held accountable for that word, as his brain isn't fully developed. I wasn't there for that. I was there because I can't get over the pain and the sense of why bother trying to keep living. I can't seem to cope with any 'little' stress (as mum calls it).

I know my son didn't mean it. He has apologised. But it hit a nerve with my negative self talk. And I can't switch that off.

Having fantasies of suicide. So I'm trying to stay inside.

I'm just all f,d up

Hi @utopia - sitting with you my beautiful cocky friend

One of the things I discussed with my pdoc today is the news lately and how triggering it is - I am doing all that I can to avoid seeing anymore news right now - it seems that some people just don't learn - or worse...they don't think what they are doing/did is wrong.

I can see that your son's outburst has really hurt you but at least he has recognised that he was wrong - that is not something many can do.

I am happy to sit here with you and listen tonight @utopia

Hi @utopia,

Sorry to hear you're really struggling at the moment. It sounds like a very tough time. I'm glad to hear you reached out for support, even though the experience was mixed.

That outburst from your son must have been really horrible and I'm sorry to hear as well that you are stuggling with suicidal fantasies tonight, but it's great you are also working on staying safe by staying inside.

I believe we sent you an email earlier on to check in as we were concerned about you, I will follow it up. Glad to see you are getting some lovely support from forum members.

Take care,

Tortoiseshell

Oh @utopia ❤️

I'm reading your post and feeling really sad.

Pls stay safe my friend. Could you try chatting on line with a counsellor from Sane? They're really good and supportive. I've done that a few times this past week.

Thinking of you

❤️BB XXOO

Hi @utopia, taking another break from this never ending housework. So sorry to hear you are feeling so down. It's the black dog sitting with you, I am guessing, as well as the natural hurtfulness of what your son said. It's wonderful that he has apologised. But I know how hard it can be when someone says something to us that is the worst of what we already think about ourselves. It's happened to me in horrible shocking ways, like you are experiencing now. Harder still because it is your loved son saying those things.

I don't have any advice, just relating to what you are going through and hearing you. ox

@BlueBay I rang Sane last night, during operational hours, when I was really struggling. They called me back today. Too late.

@utopia

Sorry I meant chat online tonight like right now.

Nothing to say @BlueBay. Nothing is helping.

Hi @utopia,

I notice the chat button is 'offline' right now, but it will hopefully be coming online again soon if you would like to keep an eye on it and think chatting with someone from the help centre would be supportive.

Take care,

Tortoiseshell