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i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor09 Aug 2017, 8:15 pm AEST

i found myself broken

Hi all - I feel as though I need to explain myself...

@outlander@CheerBear@Zoe7@Faith-and-Hope@Phoenix_Rising@Shaz51 @Owlunar @Former-Member@TAB@MDT@Former-Member@Former-Member@oceangirl@Mazarita@Maggie@soul@eth

As you may or may not have noticed.. a few days ago my old account @dazedanais left The Forums.. I found myself so broken and unwanting of life and just felt like a complete burden. I had a massive breakdown and harmed myself a lot. I know I made a mistake in leaving these Forums, I have made so many nice, lovely friends and now I just feel as though I have messed it all up. It is all on me. I am sorry. I felt embarrassed of making an account again so early but I realised it was something I need.. because as pathetic as it sounds. You guys are the only people I have to talk to.

I have been breaking so incredibly hard. I have questioned my own safety and have also been too afraid to seek help for my current state. I feel so GUILTY for it. I am so sorry. I have felt like an annoyance too because of how unwell I have been and then everyone concentrates on my wellbeing and I think - you need to contentrate on YOURSELF not @dazedanais who is a complete stranger.. because I do not deserve anyone's time. I do not deserve it I am at such a low. Today alone I found myself needing and actually requiring an ambulance to be called after certain tendencies... I won't mention. Again this is all MY FAULT. I don't know why I am like this. I hate to be such a disappointment to you all and my actual family.

I am so so afraid. So afraid. I no longer feel safe with myself and I don't know what to do about it. I am afraid of the aggressive, condescending and punshments that would come out if I would need to go to hospital again.. so I am avoiding it. At the same time - I don't know if I can remain safe anymore.

I havent stopped crying all day, I feel so numb. I am back but again I am so so so SORRY. it is all my fault

222 replies

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In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 8:24 am AEST

Re: i found myself broken

@MDT

I also hear that you haven't been doing so well lately. I do wish that your tutoring is going well though and all the uni work.

Thank you. The forums can be extremely helpful at times and at other, just extremely overwhelming and all words just leave. Are you enjoying being here at the forums so far? I only joined in June.. so it was an early leave and an early return.. woops. I even confuse myself at times.

It's hard to not feel like a burden - but at Zoe7 has said , we are all here to talk to and support each other. That is what here is for. To take a second and to breathe, cry and share around hugs and even laughs at the best of times.

You take care too - I only wish for the best

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 8:26 am AEST

Re: i found myself broken

@Maggie

I have seen you around also. I am sad that we haven't been able to talk much, you seem like a lovely person.
Thank you so much for replying and for your kind words. Only hope everything with you is well. How are you? I would love to learn some more about @Maggie

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 8:28 am AEST

Re: i found myself broken

@Mazarita

It surprises me that people noticed 💜💕 A part of my head thinks, "They are just saying that" or that nobody really cared about my disappearance. But this has obviously proven different. Thank you so much. I would love to talk to you more.

Sending love and hugs back 💜 Take care of yourself x

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 8:31 am AEST

Re: i found myself broken

@Appleblossom

It is very intriguing, isn't it?

That is beautiful that you can share such special, memorable moments like that with complete strangers. I am a train traveller also. I usually also like to just simply observe, play music (on a device.. not out loud on a guitar or singing or something) or read whilst going on those long journeys. I haven't been out of my house for a long while though ❣ I suppose the anxiety holds me back and the depression keeps me in bed. I am left to only obverse the days flying by.

Thank you for sharing that with me. Beautiful 💜

In response to: Re: i found myself broken

MaggieSenior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 8:34 am AEST

Re: i found myself broken

Hi @ohanais i haven't been on here long, started then stopped, all to familiar I'm afraid. I'm getting through hourly, minute by minute, some better than others. I'm trying to push myself out the door for a walk at the moment, no success so far, but it's still morning. The sun is out here and I have a lovely little dog sitting on my knee, my lifeline. Take care today, I know it's tough going for you.

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 8:34 am AEST

Re: i found myself broken

Morning @soul

Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you 💜💜💜💜💜

Also remember the same back - we all endeavour through hard times that beat us black and blue to the point that we feel so incredibly weak that standing up or getting out of bed suddenly becomes a massive task.

This morning I have my dog sleeping on my lap (although he is a Mastive.. not exactly a small dog) . He thinks he's a small little pup though, very snuggly and cute. What a boofhead!

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 8:37 am AEST

Re: i found myself broken

@Maggie

I literally just posted to soul at the same time about my dog being on my lap also 💕💕 I don't know what we would do without such beautiful animals. I have 2 dogs, 1 cat and 2 guinea pigs (and soon a fish to be added to the family.. desperately also searching for a cow fish.. I don't need to explain why..)

Sometimes its just about getting through.. whether that would be hour by hour, minute by minute or even second by second. I hope the sun fills you up with warmth and gives you the energy to get through the day xx

In response to: i found myself broken

outlanderSenior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 8:39 am AEST

Re: i found myself broken

@ohanais i did notice you were gone and was wondering how you were getting on.
I havent started my study as yet. I havent even had timr to look at it. Are you still up for doing it?

Its is very difficult to ask for help and i understand that. And yes the fear and shame around ringing 000 ive been there myself plenty of times.

We are all in this together ❤❤❤

Posting under a new name is pretty daunting ive done the same thing too. It feels super daunting and embarrassing but it does get easier.
No one here is judging you and are happy your back. So dont worry too much about that ❤❤❤

In response to: Re: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 8:40 am AEST

Re: i found myself broken

just look how beautiful they are 💜 @Maggie

In response to: Re: i found myself broken

soulSenior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 8:47 am AEST

Re: i found myself broken

Waiting for your picture to come through @ohanais. My dog is laying on the sofa still in her doggy coat (aka her pyjamas) and wrapped in a rug.

The budgie is sitting on top of his cage calling out to the neighbourhood birds and the shrillness is going through one ear and out the other with immense force. I fling my hand in his diraction and he flies around for a couple of laps. It quietens him down .... temporarily.

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