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i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

i found myself broken

Hi all - I feel as though I need to explain myself...

@outlander@CheerBear@Zoe7@Faith-and-Hope@Phoenix_Rising@Shaz51 @Owlunar @Former-Member@TAB@MDT@Former-Member@Former-Member@oceangirl@Mazarita@Maggie@soul@eth

As you may or may not have noticed.. a few days ago my old account @dazedanais left The Forums.. I found myself so broken and unwanting of life and just felt like a complete burden. I had a massive breakdown and harmed myself a lot. I know I made a mistake in leaving these Forums, I have made so many nice, lovely friends and now I just feel as though I have messed it all up. It is all on me. I am sorry. I felt embarrassed of making an account again so early but I realised it was something I need.. because as pathetic as it sounds. You guys are the only people I have to talk to.


I have been breaking so incredibly hard. I have questioned my own safety and have also been too afraid to seek help for my current state. I feel so GUILTY for it. I am so sorry. I have felt like an annoyance too because of how unwell I have been and then everyone concentrates on my wellbeing and I think - you need to contentrate on YOURSELF not @dazedanais who is a complete stranger.. because I do not deserve anyone's time. I do not deserve it I am at such a low. Today alone I found myself needing and actually requiring an ambulance to be called after certain tendencies... I won't mention. Again this is all MY FAULT. I don't know why I am like this. I hate to be such a disappointment to you all and my actual family.

I am so so afraid. So afraid. I no longer feel safe with myself and I don't know what to do about it. I am afraid of the aggressive, condescending and punshments that would come out if I would need to go to hospital again.. so I am avoiding it. At the same time - I don't know if I can remain safe anymore.

I havent stopped crying all day, I feel so numb. I am back but again I am so so so SORRY. it is all my fault

222 replies

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In response to: i found myself broken

Ant7Senior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@ohanais My pleasure I read that you like music what do you like. I like music to but i cant play anything. I like to mountain bike as well it works for me you cant think about anything else excpt where your going cause if your mind drifts at the wrong itme your on the deck

In response to: i found myself broken

Unknown userMember

Re: i found myself broken

Yeah, I get that. I used to do drama and debating and public speaking.

You couldn't ever pay me enough to make me do something like that again!!!

I also like scientific/neurological books. Have you read "The Brain that Changes itself" or any of the books by Oliver Sacks? I've got both sitting on my shelf at home waiting to be read. What other good books have you read. I'm always on the lookout for a new book.

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

lol @Ant7 ...

I used to be a massive mountain biker too - until I popped both of my tyres and never got it fixed.. but it was feeding into my Anorexia also.
I love a lot of music - I used to write a lot of originals, and then love Indie/Alternate. But also Folk music. and sometimes Pop.. and sometimes Rock.. but I hate hate hate Country music.

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@Former-Member

I have seen Oliver Sacks stuff - and contemplated buying, I haven't read any of them yet but will definitely look into it. My favourite recent read is "The Idiot Brain" by Dean Burnett. I would definitely recommend it.

lol.. crazy how things change.

In response to: Re: i found myself broken

Ant7Senior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@ohanais You sound like you have a wide taste in music. I am the same I like some pop and rock I like indy and folk and punk but I also like the dixie chicks but dont hold it against me lol. I think my fav at the moment is Rise Against and London Grammar how about you

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@Ant7

lol.. no grudges here. I haven't heard of those songs but will look them up now ! My favourite artist right now is Daughter - mostly "Numbers" , "Fossa" and "To Belong".. lol everything basically.. but as a contrast I also love Glass Animals and BØRNS.

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

Rise Against sounds really good ! @Ant7 - woops it's a band not a song

In response to: Re: i found myself broken

Unknown userMember

Re: i found myself broken

The Idiot brain looks really good. I'm going to get me a copy when I get paid next week! If you have any other favourites I'd love to know them.

In response to: Re: i found myself broken

Ant7Senior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@ohanais they are a great band but a bit heavy

In response to: i found myself broken

Unknown userMember

Re: i found myself broken

Hi @ohanais

I too believe there are good people here on the forums - kind-hearted people who want to support others. This is one of the reasons I love the forums. It can be so hard, painful and somewhat isolating to feel that you are a bad person and that feelings are bad. I have seen so much goodness in you already, supporting others who are struggling here on the forums. Your good-heartedness is evident.

You show true courage reaching out for support here on the forums, despite your past experiences. I always think of the movie "Inside Out;" that feelings, even if they are negative, serve a purpose. They give us greater awareness of ourselves and others. Recognising these feelings, I believe is key to looking after yourself. ♥

Hoping that today has been kind to you!

Kindest,

Amour_Et_Psyché

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

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