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Something’s not right

i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

i found myself broken

Hi all - I feel as though I need to explain myself...

@outlander@CheerBear@Zoe7@Faith-and-Hope@Phoenix_Rising@Shaz51 @Owlunar @Former-Member@TAB@MDT@Former-Member@Former-Member@oceangirl@Mazarita@Maggie@soul@eth

As you may or may not have noticed.. a few days ago my old account @dazedanais left The Forums.. I found myself so broken and unwanting of life and just felt like a complete burden. I had a massive breakdown and harmed myself a lot. I know I made a mistake in leaving these Forums, I have made so many nice, lovely friends and now I just feel as though I have messed it all up. It is all on me. I am sorry. I felt embarrassed of making an account again so early but I realised it was something I need.. because as pathetic as it sounds. You guys are the only people I have to talk to.


I have been breaking so incredibly hard. I have questioned my own safety and have also been too afraid to seek help for my current state. I feel so GUILTY for it. I am so sorry. I have felt like an annoyance too because of how unwell I have been and then everyone concentrates on my wellbeing and I think - you need to contentrate on YOURSELF not @dazedanais who is a complete stranger.. because I do not deserve anyone's time. I do not deserve it I am at such a low. Today alone I found myself needing and actually requiring an ambulance to be called after certain tendencies... I won't mention. Again this is all MY FAULT. I don't know why I am like this. I hate to be such a disappointment to you all and my actual family.

I am so so afraid. So afraid. I no longer feel safe with myself and I don't know what to do about it. I am afraid of the aggressive, condescending and punshments that would come out if I would need to go to hospital again.. so I am avoiding it. At the same time - I don't know if I can remain safe anymore.

I havent stopped crying all day, I feel so numb. I am back but again I am so so so SORRY. it is all my fault

222 replies

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In response to: i found myself broken

Unknown userMember

Re: i found myself broken

Hi @ohanais

Things are sounding super tough for you right now, please don't feel bad for explaining where you are at and how you are feeling.

We are here for you. I'm going to send you an email, would be great if yu could please reply to it when you can. Lots of care and support here for you.

Do you have any ideas of what might be helpful to offer a teeny bit of support and light into your world? Do you have any passions or interests?

Pebbles

In response to: i found myself broken

Ant7Senior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@ohanais I think that's why everyone is here to worry about each other when we are down and to try to pick each other up so yeah I do worry about you ❤️💕

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@Former-Member

I haven't even purposely left my house in such a long while now. Just find myself in bed day by day - interests are gone.. Nothing to preoccupy my mind. Just always stuck.. stuck.. stuck and so completely and utterly broken. More than anyone could possibly imagine 💔

Thank you for your words. Light isn't in reach - it's all superficial.

Take care 💜💕

In response to: i found myself broken

Unknown userMember

Re: i found myself broken

I'm struggling a bit too today.
Does distraction work for you at all? I find a good zombie movie or Dr Who never fails to occupy me for a bit and take the pressure/pain off a little bit. Is there something you can think of to 'fill the time' and hopefully give you some positive feelings - baking, knitting, going for a walk, calling a friend, painting, drawing, reading a book?
Hugs my friend, I hope the bad feelings don't persist.

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@Ant7
Thank you. We are here for each other just hate hate hate people taking up time on me 💜💔

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@Former-Member

Not really.. distractions don't mask reality. Reality is always under the surface and screaming to take upon the skies. My mind works a bit funny - I hate watching or reading anything fictional.. just fiction seems like one huge lie,, to avoid reality.. and yes - I want to avoid reality.. but I don't want to be taken away from reality either. i feel like i already am.

I love music.. but find myself in a meltdown and unable to stay stable. I have nobody to call and outside is too overwhelming right now 😞

In response to: i found myself broken

Ant7Senior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@ohanais I dont mind being there for you it is not any bother so don't think that it is I am here for you 😊❤️💕

In response to: Re: i found myself broken

Unknown userMember

Re: i found myself broken

I think I've felt a bit the same before. But I've found that my 'reality' when I'm depressed is not the whole picture.
I don't read fiction either, I stick to archaeology/medical science topics when reading.
Do you play any instruments? I am horrible at music and don't really like it very much, but I found playing my flute at times could be really relaxing and calming.

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@Former-Member

I used to play 7 instruments - trombone (mainly), vocals, trumpet, saxophone, piano, guitar & ukulele. I also have auditioned for talent shows years ago.. crazy looking back on -- never could do that now.
You have a point. I read a lot of neurological books and scientific as well.

In response to: i found myself broken

ohanaisSenior Contributor

Re: i found myself broken

@Ant7

thank youu i really appreciate it
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