not coping

the 25 min isnt to bad. sometimes its more through the week cause of the school zones depending where im stationed i guess i use to only be 10-20 min away from my job sites so the 45 min one is more of a shock @tyme especially since that shift i spend time driving clients around etc as well

i dont have to start till 10pm tomorrow but need to leave about 915 so im on time and can do handover.

@tyme can i ask you a question as a fellow bpd'er

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@outlander wrote:
@tyme can i ask you a question as a fellow bpd'er

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Of course! Hit me with it! I love BPD-related questions 🙂

how do you deal with all the intense emotions that come with change @tyme especially when theres alot of changes in a short amount of time
i either act like i have some sort of mania trying to deal with the emotions or they wipe me out and i cant get out of bed

Honestly? I withdraw and sleep it off. Then when I wake up, it's a reset.

I also find that when there's a lot happening all at once, I have to write lots of lists or my brain gets really fried and I feel frantic.

At this stage in my recovery, it's more about being proactive rather than wait and be reactive when things go haywire.

With how I currently live, I am in control of most things in my life. I don't have many unforeseen circumstances rock the boat. For example, I don't have kids I have to look after when they are sick, I don't have a partner I have to worry about.

So in other words, I am as stable as I can be environmentally. Now when this was not the case, it was much harder to handle changes, and yes, I'd go into this mania and walk and walk and walk for hours or I'd just stay in bed (this was more an avoidance tactic).

Hope this makes some sort of sense @outlander

yes that makes sense @tyme
i dont ever find a reset much though even when i sleep it off. some days ive slept 12 hours and it didnt really do anything.
i think im still reactive to alot of things.
my psychologist has said we should start trauma work so i can start to process all the emotions and things that come with ptsd but with the intensity of the emotions i get even on a daily basis im not so sure thats a good idea. i dont really want to go back to hospital though it has been suggested i go for 4 week stay and do some intensive therapy while in that supported environment

Well I have to say, in the past, sleep it off didn't work for me. Maybe that's why I slept ten years of my life away! It was more to avoid things.

I'm only now at the stage where I use sleep to reset. And when BIG things happen, it doesn't work. Like 2 weeks ago, some big things happened and it took days to get over it. I was hurt. I was numb and it was a very very sad time for me.

Also remember, for my BPD, I've had 18 months intensive treatment - so that EVERY week for a few hours in both group and individual therapy. And on top of that, I had weekly psych appointments, psychosocial workers, peer workers and art therapy. It was all bang at once. The whole 'active healing' process took about 3 years. @outlander

it mustve taken alot for you to do intensive treatment for that long @tyme i know with BPD and with any mh really its generally a journey but i feel like ive been on this journey for so long now and the best thing ive gotten skilled at is being able to shove things down, avoid and become a mess when the box gets so shoved ful of stuff it jst explodes everwhere.
i havent really found anything that resets me tbh, i get moments where im a little lighter like if ive had a nice time ut at dinner with a friend or a nice walk but it always comes back.
i can still work thankfully, though every shift is a struggle but im just glad i can.
i wouldnt mind some more intensive therapy in a supportive environment where i wont be a danger to anyone but at the same time i worry that if i open that box i may never get to the end of it and the repercussions that might come with it.

i feel like sometimes im on a timer @tyme
like because i have no supports i am limited in how much time i can be 'sick' because of risking my job, not having enough sick leave, being embarrssed to access that support and feeling anxious that i have to hide that i get treatment

Yeah, I get you. You have limitations in terms of how much time you can take off for therapy etc. For mine, I committed one full day to MBT treatment a week for 18 months. Then, I commited another 2 hours for my other psych appointments. So during this time, I worked only 4 days. @outlander Even then, the treatment was a huge emotional committment. The time and money was not the issue. It was more about pushing myself to continue even when it was damn hard.

So it wasn't like I had to take a month off or anything.

Yeah, the nice walk and stuff can flip you back to the 'happy' side, but as you said, it doesn't last.

Whereas the MBT work was long lasting. It's so hard to explain. It's not something you can just do over a weekend or a few weeks. It's an amazing therapy, but I don't know how to explain how it works....