not coping

Sorry late to the party hon!!!

I'm so glad for you @outlander you are super clever! You must be so happy for you.

So sorry I missed you hon @Sans911 and that things are not good. Take care sweetheart 💗💗 We are here for you.

@outlander Fantastic news about getting the job. Congrats! Yes I know about work as a deflection, it is still a good thing for many reasons (money, motivation, distraction, connections, personal growth, experience) and gradually you can integrate the things you need to process.

Hugs @Sans911 I do think about you and how you are going, cos we share the wardship stuff. Sorry about SH.

I got triggered today during a music group. It was sad and bad but probably managed as well as possible. It was a small ensemble and a few things happened, and someone said 'sit there and suffer', but meaning a joke. She does not know me at all. I just moved into not being able to concentrate and rocking and not playing. Then at one point I said Sorry I am in trauma mode. I am not the person you should say should suffer and showed her my hands which are a mess, with a dozen scabs and nails a mess. Mostly it was handled discretely. Its hard, cos I do not know when it is going to hit me out of the blue. I think there is a lot of goodwill in the group and as they get to know my strengths and vulnerabilities, it will settle.

There is one lady who I met a year ago, who I have played a lot with, and has come through for me again and again. It feels really NEW, and refreshing and healing to have a friend in a broader social group, who I can laugh with, or turn to when I am triggered. She saw me in January which is around the period of the deaths, so she said she 'knows I get this look on my face' and my body sense is fragile. it is hard, at times I think I dont need NDIS, and then wham, it hits out of the blue. It seems to be every couple months. I did not cry or get agitated, it was all very mild but observable in the small group. Will see how it is tomorrow. On the radio on the way home, was all the talk about Disability Royal Commission and Inclusion. At least I was on topic.

Hi @Appleblossom

You are holding so much and I want to hold so much space for what you are sharing 💛

I'm sorry that you had a hard time in music group. Thank you for sharing this.

How did it feel for you to share about it with this person and show them your hands?

It sounds like you set your boundaries and expressed your needs to this person in music group. I admire that.

Perhaps time will allow for a more comfortable experience as you have mentioned they will get to know your strengths and vulnerabilities

Sending lots of light,

fluffylight x

Congrats on the new job @outlander. Maybe things are starting to look up for you. I really hope so.

Thank you @fluffylight

Firstly the lady meant it in a lighthearted way. I knew that, but the word trigger effect is subtly integrated in my whole being. Suffering, was my parents, and my siblings and now me, even if I try to hide it. I had a big bass recorder and in a way that was good, as it helped anchor me, while I rocked. The scabs on my hands are not deliberate self harm, but a kind of punishment of not paying attention in gardening and the kitchen and very bad nail biting and trich. This was the first time I mentioned it. She had her own obvious hand issues and already mentioned having an operation. She moved away later and I guess I better touch base with her tomorrow. In a way I can be weirdly like a ghost, invisible and absorb a lot unconsciously. I spoke really quickly quietly, without filter, just plainly being me and not aware. Like my veil slipped. Usually I am very aware of the right thing to do re other's needs. This was about mine. Role reversals ... in that with music it has been my job to be responsible, but these last 2 years are just for me. I am not teaching.

Its complicated, as a few people were involved. The leader of the group, also. I burbled out my pain as an excuse to her at the end, talking about lots of deaths, which would not have made sense. Enough other things happened which made me feel contained. Another lady had to leave the group too, but without the trauma trigger. My good friend was in a different group but I went to her during the lunch break (she reassured me, was glad I sought her help.) In a way it is weirdly like group orphanage process with lots of people around. So it was shared in lots of little snippets, but unlike as a child, I did have a voice and a friend.

About 7 years ago when I first joined this forum, when I became triggered, I was agitated and wrecked for at least a week and not able to drive, so this was a great improvement and I have been socially reconnecting all year, a few steps in and one out, then back in again, but it has been a struggle. Its important for my son to know I am out and about and doing productive things.

Not wanting to distract @outlander but in a way ... some similar themes to your discussion.

Hugs again.

Oh @Appleblossom ,

I'm so sorry to hear that. It must be so difficult to have been triggered. I'm glad you were able to find some way to excuse yourself. You must have so much strength in you to help you to just keep going.

I admire your strength.

If you ever feel triggered here and want to debrief, feel free to email the forums team on team@saneforums.org

Big squishy hugs to you @Appleblossom and @outlander

I am sorry for what has happened.

Lots of love ❤️💚💜