Coming to terms with reality

Aah.. @Former-Member i dont think eudemonism meant that. I thought of u as a mother figure in this little group. And @eudemonism the philosopher. @Appleblossom @Vanessa pops in once a while..i haven't the opportunity to really get to know them. And me being a science teacher its always about concept, hypothesis, experiment and objective driven. I am sorry if i have created a difficult atmosphere for everyone here.😕😫

No I'm sorry. I'm just coming to terms with reality. And coming to terms with how people and how the world works. I was going to say earlier. I feel a change coming. Because my foot is hurting. (Happens when change is on the way )

I'm sorry @Former-Member

Im broken and im damaged! Mentally, psychically and emotionally...

I get snappy, i backlash, i feel i need to retaliate against what's happening around me. I can deteriorate very quickly. I'm needy. I resent what my mind is telling me is happening. I feel i been cheated. I feel that life is unfair.

I wanna run and hide some days. But i got no where to go. I know i need help. But firstly i need to admit my defeat. And admit. I'm doomed.

Hi @eudemonism,

It sounds like you are having a hard day and this is something we can all relate to. It is good to be able to reflect on your feelings and behaviours but also understand that you don't need to be too hard on yourself. We are all here to offer support in a safe and non judgemental environment and I feel that everyone on this thread recognises that.

You said 'you know you need help' and please don't ignore that feeling - if you want further help do reach out to one of the below crisis support lines if your mood shifts in any way or you feel unsafe.

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Beyondblue: 1300 22 4636 or web chat

Been there @eudemonism. Been there. Seek for the light and slowly bounce back. What i have shared ystd about my childhood may sounded helpless to you but actually..its a blessing in disguise for me. Despite mom being left widowed, hearing voices like @Vanessa, terribly abusive...she bounced back..falling again but keep coming back each time and all her 7 children went to uni, except my youngest sister who had lymphoma in her teens..but thank God...fully recovered now. That..inspired me to be better..to contribute more.. despite the illness that is carried down to my descendants.. who are too are now in uni..doing medical studies, law and IT. These sickness..i embraced it as a gift..never put self pity as a halter to seek for advancement..to combat it by varied ways and means. Look to the humanrace as a whole, regardless of faith, ethnic and locality. Try to reason and give good excuses on others' behalf for how they are what they are and try to be better than them...using whatever resources we can find. These are things ive been trying to push into my mind everyday. Not giving an advice to anyone but hoping what i share will bounce back to me..into my subconscious mind...sinking and do me good.

Sorry again @Former-Member and sorry to all on this thread for having to put up with my. Mood swings and deranged thinking patterns and styles. You're all just trying to help. And indeed doing so. Totally comes down to my attitude and prospective.

I had a counselling session today. And i was doing the. Get on with life in the here and now. And stick to my mental, emotional, psychical and spiritual comfort zones. And not face my fears. Cause i dont know anything else i suppose.

I was asked to recall a key moment where i felt the most shame in my life. And then i blurted out. About this incident that happened in my teenage age years. And it was the perceived repercussion of shame, embarrassment, guilt and humiliation that really played games with my mind. And is what done the real damage. Because it changed my thinking patterns into a negative cycle and lasted for years to come. And as it involved other people. There was living reminders and triggers everywhere.

And it basically opened up old wounds and thinking patterns and styles. And has refreshed everything that was going on in my life back then. Up until now.

No doubt about it. I've made mistake upon mistake. Which burdened me through perceived shame, embarrassment and humiliation. And my conscience felt guilty. Because i knew I'd made mistakes. And it plagued my mind for many days and many nights. (It manifested into people's voices.) Commentating, ridiculing, judging, being laughed at, conversations, (couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't, alot of it made me very fearful (all persecutory or grandiose )

I desperately wanted help and to talk with someone about what was going on. And it all eventually came out. And yea. Christianity helped.

I now look at all the mistakes I've made with humility. And with the attitude of. We've all made mistakes. It's not just happened too me. It's not just an isolated case. It's a world wide problem. And it's not just me and the people I know going through these types of things. It's wide spread over the nation. And over the world.

Plus medication has helped, supported housing, psychosocial rehab. Talking to professionals. Sourcing support, making new friends and so on.

I own my mistakes. And I've been held accountable bye my conscience, my spirit, my inner voice or God. Which ever way you wanna look at it. And it's all been an incredible hard ordeal to live through.

The amount of times i had suicidal tendencies as a way of thinking it will solve and get me out of it. Is uncountable. And the amount of times it has gotten in the way of me having a good day. Or doing things that lead to reaching my full potential are uncountable. And the level of involvement. That real life incidences have had with my symptoms is huge.

So it's hard for me to believe it's an illness and a disease and something wrong with my mind. When it has all been fuelled bye real life stuff.

So its flared up my symptoms. I'd like to think it's all resolved and over with. But i suppose hurt, pain, trauma and memories never go away. Plus there is the damage it does and leaves in the mind. It involves other people left right and centre. And ya know. I get reminded of certain "things " and, next thing I know. I'm having paranoid and delusional stuff going on. And experiencing visual and audio hallucinations which have evolved around each separate incident. So i really feel for others out there going through the same type of thing.

I'm only just realising the only way is forward. And i gotta make the most of what i got. And cut my losses. Can only really mourn what my life could of been. And it can only ever be so much from this point onward.

There many good and bad things that have happened in my life..........