Coming to terms with reality

I'm probably not that much different than your son @Sophia1 When not taking my medicine. Although in a very different way...

For every trauma I've experienced, I've wanted someone or something to blame, and there's been a few... They had different scenarios and impacts on me (all negative.)

I mourn what my life was before these traumas, and what my life could of been (if they had not happened)

Then I'm trying to find closure to the actual incident, and find resolution, so I can move on with life, but truth be known, they impacted me in a very negative way, (that could not be reversed) and my psychical, mental and emotional wellbeing suffered greatly as a result.

It couldn't be undone and the ripple effect manifested into mental illness and symptoms, which I've suffered for greatly, and have had no other choice but to accept and move on from - as best I could.

Each day is indeed a battle. But fortunately I think I'm making progress everyday. Thanks too a myriad of people who have helped, supported and stuck with me - through thick and thin.

Eude thinks you're amazing

😆💗🐕🐈🐠🌈🍃⛅🌚

@eudemonism

Putting other peoples needs before our own needs doesn't work in our favor. Bit it can become such a normal thing to do overtime, that we forget to put ourselves first.

I did a self compassion group in hospital yesterday and I struggled so badly. Yes I van show compassion to others. But myself - I don't deserve it.

Could that be part of why you have a blockage with knowing what's best for you? Would it help if you imagined you were giving advice to someone else & then do that?

Hello @eudemonism

Yes you have had huge trauma in your life...impacting your life considerably...

I think that your words stating that you now accept what has happened...speak realms about where you are in your own self discovery...

You also stated that you are moving on from all of this as best you can...

well said...you express that so well...you are not dismissing all that you have been through...you are acknowledging all of the pain...trauma...sorrow...long term effects....

this ..I believe will help you in moving forward....yes it will always be with you...how you allow it to affect you is what you are working on now...gradually the traumas will move to the background of your mind..

you and I are at very similar paths...

I am much older than you...despite this...I am open to change...new beginnings...ongoing self discovery...

the traumas will always be with me...they do not have to be foremost in my mind though...

my "family member" will have his special place still...where I carry him in my heart....I will never let go of him...I will continue to strive to hope for him a better quality of life...one that he chooses...

I still need to think about my own needs first and foremost....this is not selfishness as I have always believed when younger..

putting others first all of the time was selflessness..

.this is about being caring and considerate...empathic...loving....gentle with myself...treating myself the way I treat others...

holding back some of that care for me....building my sense of being on this planet...

I have tried to explain this from my own point of view with my own experience of self...

this may or may not be the case with you..

these are only ideas Eude...no judgement...

speak soon

Sophia

Hello @utopia

You are in hospital.....a safe place for you...where you have care...an opportunity to release emotion where you do not have to worry about anyone else...

I hope that you continue to care for yourself...a you so aptly said...we are often so busy helping others...we do not even think of helping ourselves...

take care

Thank you @Sophia1 @eudemonism

Self compassion is something I can't even start focusing on at the moment.

My negative self talk is so loud and constant - all consuming.

Hi @eudemonism

I thought I might respond specifically to the two points that I understand best.

The first is just a side note on the whole pharmaceutical drugs thing making you feel like shit and taking away your sex drive. Yes, side effects are a massive problem and because western medicine is so young we are in a fashion guinea pigs to the cause. Loosing your sex drive is a particularly cruel side effect since having a sex drive is good for us and not having one can be enough to bring on depression, which is frustratingly counter productive.

However, if the drugs are stabilising you then this is a great opportunity to try something different. If you are anything like me, you may be trying to think yourself better over and over again with the same ineffective result. Which leads me to the next point.

Addiction. You mentioned cigarettes and coffee, I have no idea if you struggle with anything else since I've not read all your posts but I'll just explain how addiction was such a stumbling block to me getting better..

I happen to be an alcoholic which may not be relevent to you, but in my experience all addictions follow a similar pattern of behaviour. I am an intelligent and sensitive human being whose self esteem in the past was extremely fragile - so much so that I thought I had a tiny ego. Turns out I have a massive ego and I have a tendency to think that everything that is going on in my head is true and all my opinions are right 🙂

I came up with perfectly rational excuses for my addictive behaviour and I believed them. It was a simple problem really, I needed help from someone who could see through me. For me those people were the folk at AA. Conventional therapists can be awesome, but if they aren't recovered addicts then they simply don't have that glorious first hand experience with the addict's manipulative mind. I jest because in hindsight it is funny. But it is not funny to be a practising addict. For me it was so horrendous that I would not wish it upon a single human on this planet.

What I am trying to point out is I was too arrogant to let people help me. When I first went to AA I made up a shit load of excuses and was gone again in three months. I thought faith was an intelictual decision and because I rationalised that I was an atheist; therefore anyone who believed in a God was an idiot. See what I mean about arrogance? I was being total arsehole and I didn't even know it.

I don't have any answers for you eude except that if trying to think your way out is not working then it's time for something new. There a lot of wise people out there. If you can find the ones whose mental stablity you want, ask them how they did it and here's the key; shut up and listen.

Mj.