Coming to terms with reality

@Sophia1

I'm struggling on a daily basis. I've got a lot of resentment onside of me. Toward different people or functions for different reasons. And I'm suffering for it. It seems better just to be a recluse. They set out with good intentions which were based around their own wellbeing and I'm paying the price for it.

Eude.

good morning @eudemonism

I don't like to read that you are struggling on a daily basis...

I remember you posting that your depot injection was due a couple of days ago if I remember...

The side effects of that medication will be kicking in no doubt...

Your 28 day cycle that you referred to has restarted....bringing along with it the old patterned resentment.

I have read on other threads that this is an extremely difficult time to re-enter....a time that is vital for self care and not self blame...

Resentment is a very unpleasant feeling that only brings further suffering...Can you practise telling yourself when the feeling comes to you?

...."that time is over...I have every right to Iike myself." Then when the feeling passes....pat Mister and talk to him....you are his owner he loves you...he will be there for you when you need him...

speak soon

@Sophia1

It's not good hey. I have so much hate and resentment toward them. Because of what the pharmaceutical drugs are doing too me.

Eude

@Sophia1

It's slowly but surely killing me!

@eudemonism

Dig deep inside and find the Eude who writes with passion...

The Eude who cares about others..The Eude who has helped others..The Eude who has supported me...the lovely caring message that you sent when I went into hospital for my operation..

That Eude does not live with resentment...

You can get through this..

one day at a time...

@Sophia1

Do you know much about social anxiety? And dependant personality disorder?

I figure all mi is closely linked to normal behavior/normal people. Given the right circumstances.

At certain times of the day I get very anxious about certain people and what they've done, are doing or going to do. (like social psychology) First light, last light and high tides. It feels like I'm coming off second best or there's a problem between myself and the person that I need to deal with. The people I get anxious about have switched and swapped over the years. And I think it's normal... Because it always happens when I'm alone... Meaning we all need to be around people... It's alright if I'm around people but if I'm not it's like a primitive instinct kicks in. And I start flipping out. Thinking about wanting to be around someone. And thinking about reasons why I I want it to happen and reasons why I don't want it to happen and I do the same for them from their prospective.

Eude

Hello @eudemonism

I need to give this more thought before answering..

I will get back to you..

In the meantime try to rest your mind..have a break from thinking..

try to spend some time in your own company doing something trelaxing that you enjoy..

writing..drawing..listening to music..

then tell me what you have done..

tell me what you liked about it..

speak soon 💚

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@eudemonism wrote:

@Sophia1

Do you know much about social anxiety? And dependant personality disorder?

I figure all mi is closely linked to normal behavior/normal people. Given the right circumstances.

At certain times of the day I get very anxious about certain people and what they've done, are doing or going to do. (like social psychology) First light, last light and high tides. It feels like I'm coming off second best or there's a problem between myself and the person that I need to deal with. The people I get anxious about have switched and swapped over the years. And I think it's normal... Because it always happens when I'm alone... Meaning we all need to be around people... It's alright if I'm around people but if I'm not it's like a primitive instinct kicks in. And I start flipping out. Thinking about wanting to be around someone. And thinking about reasons why I I want it to happen and reasons why I don't want it to happen and I do the same for them from their prospective.

Eude

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hello @eudemonism

I have heard of the term social anxiety....my belief is that there may be extreme cases where people never leave their homes or communicate with society at all...this would come under that terminology..

anxiety itself is extremely common and affects each of us differently....

did you know that every single being feels anxiety during their lives...it is a human reaction to self preserve...similar to the fight ..flight scenario...

Anxiety of course is experienced at varying levels and this is where it starts to impact on a person's life...again in varying degrees...some people suffer with anxiety daily yet still maintain a job...household...social life..

How does one measure social anxiety? some of us are anxious meeting people socially .....if we have anxiety generally this would probably be the case....it does not mean that we have social anxiety though...

yes there are extreme cases....

My meaning here is that anxiety is not exclusive to mental illness or as I prefer to call it at present mind struggles..

Dependant personality disorder I had not heard of....Have you been diagnosed with this by a psychiatrist who has seen you regularly over a long period?

There definitely is a need for diagnosis when a person cannot function in a reasonably healthy way in their life...

however even in that situation the diagnosis once determined needs to be left in the rooms of the diagnosing professional..

It is not helpful to carry a diagnosis....a label...around with us....it leaves room for the person to become totally absorbed in the label and lose themselves...

You mentioned that you struggle with certain times of the day...do you think this might be a traumatic memory ....a trauma and then the ensuing reactions...behaviours of others....?

These sorts of troubling experiences are best spoken of with a specialist as well as expressing yourself on here....

I think that you have probably tried to distract yourself at these times....have a plan in advance...

When you say that we all need to be around people that sounds as though you want reassurance...

it is important to spend time with others...good friends who treat us with respect...family members who treat us with respect...

volunteering we can also have these needs met by general chatting...receiving a rewarding feeling for helping others..

it is also very important that we learn to like our own company Eude....this takes time to feel comfortable about...

when you have taken your dog out ....sat on the bench....observed the beach...watched your dog running in and out of the ways...that is enjoying your own company....purely breathing...enjoying where you are and the environment around you...

at those times you do not need the company of others..

when you are writing or listening to music ...you can do this on your own...enjoy the activity...enjoy your own company...

apologies I have probably raved on too much....

remember all of the above are my thoughts...unique to me...some may agree...what I have written has come from me as a unique person ...in my own company...responding to a friend...

take care and please keep on writing

you are having some great mind travels .....

@Sophia1

My only diagnosis is schizophrenia. Although I suppose it comes with many different aspects. And different stages. I try to work out my diagnosis for myself, so I know exactly what's going on. But I never get to far. Basically because it's been such trouble for myself to deal with.

I've slowly but surely unpacked a lot of stuff with professionals and appropriate people. And learned internal coping mechanisms. And also how to talk about it with people in a proper way. Which don't leave me burdened down.

However there is an aspect of living where troubles pop up everyday. And I'm finding I need to be responsible. Do the right thing. Take care of myself as best as possible. Be a good person. And so on...

A big motivator for myself... Is, doing something with my life... Having something to work toward... Making the right decisions and choices...

The oral medication has settled me down. The mood fluctuating factors of the depot are less bothersome now. I'm more inclined to rest and relax. More inclined to take it easy. Less chatter in my mind. Less symptoms. However, a full recovery without medication is ever so far away......

I do think about what you're dealing with. I do care for your wellbeing. And I do hope it works out for you and all concerned. I'm lost for words when I think about how to support or console you through your struggles. So I just leave It be.

On one hand I'm doing fine. And on the other. I got more problems then I know what to do with. I'm realising I'm in it on my own. And I have to be strategic about it. And I'm also realising. I've got support if needed. I'm realising that external influences have such great power over my wellbeing. And it's scary to think about when I feel alone and isolated. Because I feel so desperately indeed of support and reassurance. But ultimately... We've all got battles we're dealing with..

All for now. Eude.

Hello @eudemonism

Such a poignant reply........

Eude, you have helped me more than you can imagine....you have shared your feelings..your story with such courage whilst at the same time living on a daily basis with so,many questions in your mind..

You are so much more self aware...intelligent...caring..compassionate..creative...than you give yourself credit...I will continue to tell you this...

why?

I believe in you....you are worthwhile...you are important...you are loveable...I like you as a person...you are interesting.. You have a good sense of humour...you matter to me...I look forward to hearing from you..

You are helping me so much through my journey with my absent "family member" as you now know that I refer to that person.....

You help to give me hope.....

Your journal on here also helps others...again more than you realise..

It touches my heart when I read from you that you are managing better....having less symptoms..chatter in your mind would be a blessing for you..

Having goals..something to work towards is encouraging..uplifting...Most important to remember start with small goals that are achievable...congratulate yourself when achieved...exciting..think of next small goal..

This is where I am at...

my small goal is exercise on dratted bike (which I dislike)..every day that I am not exercising in pool...

I achieved that again today..I listen to music when I am on there mindlessly pedalling away on a bike that takes me nowhere (exercise bike) music takes me to a part of me that is carefree..

External influences are an issue for you there..How good are you at saying no?

Even when you feel that you need company...say no to bad company...does not help with your journey towards your goals...

yes to good company only..

When you feel alone...use the forums or a helpline..I do this....

the helpline has even told me that it does not matter how many times I ring back..they are there 24 hours as well..

We your friends on here will support you..there are usually some people up late as well..

I had better eat now

Thank you again

talk soon💚🐾