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Something’s not right

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor15 July 2017, 1:02 am AEST

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor26 Sept 2017, 3:18 pm AEST

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander hugs would be amazing right now, so thank you. But your kindness just released another flood of tears. I might need on of those buckets @Faith-and-Hope has to catch them all.

If I can stay stable (whatever that means with MI) and refrain from self harm, I can get access into a mh respite centre for a few weeks. From what I've seen from the pamphlet, it looks OK. You bring and cook you own food except for a communal Friday meal. I really need something to shift my mindset from the hole it's in. And I've become very isolated and disconnected from many things.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor26 Sept 2017, 3:29 pm AEST

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Then ill sit here as long as you like ok. No hesitations and no questions asked.
Ramble yell scream or say nothing at all ok
Its my turn to watch over you ❤❤❤❤❤
@Sans911

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

CheerBearSenior Contributor26 Sept 2017, 3:34 pm AEST

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911

Like many times before I am left wishing there was something I could say more than 'I am thinking of you' or 'I have heard you', in response to a post.

Being raw and real and honest and open like you have been, feels scary for me sometimes. I can feel very vulnerable when I expose my inner most feelings and thoughts, and feeling vulnerable can be hard to sit with. It almost always feels better when my being vulnerable is met by people I feel understand me, accept me for how I am in that moment, and are safe to be vulnerable around. I am hoping that by replying, even if it is just to say I am thinking of you and I have heard you, that you feel a little of this as well.

I wanted to ask the other day whether you had access to any form of respite. I am not sure if you were around when I went into a respite kind of place earlier in the year, but it helped me hugely. It gave me a chance to have a break from it all for a while, and I was supported to go right back to the basic things I was struggling with. It didn't fix my problems but it helped me gain strength I needed (in more ways than one), to keep going. I hope you can access a similar service and that you also find it helpful.

Big love and hugs Sans911

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor26 Sept 2017, 3:34 pm AEST

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Is there something we can help with?
Anything at all
O want to keep you away from SH i know what the after effects are and that retreat place sounds nice. Something you really deserve
So anything at all ok

Im/we're all ears
Ill send you some of my special sister hugs to keep you going for a bit @Sans911 ❤❤❤

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor26 Sept 2017, 3:50 pm AEST

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander I've made a promise to my case manager not to SH otherwise she won't refer me to the respite centre later this week. I SH last Friday & Saturday night. I've been given sleeping tablets last night and for the next three nights, so they do help. I think I slept about 9hours last night which is pretty good for me. The nightmare I had about me rattled me a lot. And my case manager upset me today too as she's not happy that I don't call when I'm really distressed-I just feel really ashamed that I'm so weak & I always think others need it more than me. So I've had to also give assurances today to stay in touch. She is a good, caring and professional person who I know is trying to help, but I don't allow myself to access that help. It's just everything in the last weeks, months, and years going through my mind all at once. It's just a bit much of everything. I don't often give myself a break or acknowledge my suffering so today it's slapping me in the face to give it some time. I'm just sitting with fir a bit, but it's exhausting too so I might have a sleep soon. I appreciate you being around, but it wasn't my intention to involve anyone. Hence I didn't tag it.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor26 Sept 2017, 3:56 pm AEST

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Incoming hugs from me too @Sans911 ..... ❣️

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor26 Sept 2017, 4:04 pm AEST

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Faith-and-Hope I actually may several of your buckets really, but thanks the hug is appreciated

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor26 Sept 2017, 4:06 pm AEST

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

More where they came from .... buckets and hugs @Sans911 ..... 💜💐💕💜💐💕💜

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor26 Sept 2017, 4:11 pm AEST

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911
We all understand the feelings of feeling weak when asking for help. Try not to think of it as a weakness but rather a sign of strength. It takes alot to ask for help.

You said your sitting with it now and accepting they are there but remember they are only thoughts ok. No need to act. Watch them float past on a cloud

I'll just sit here and hold you ok. Use F&H buckets as much as you like. Release the tears ok
Sending more hugs ❤❤❤

In response to: Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

AppleblossomSenior Contributor26 Sept 2017, 7:48 pm AEST

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Tears can also be a sign of your strength. @Sans911

I too struggled with Death of loved ones and SI in nightmares this weekend. It is really difficult. Mine were so serene, promising release from daily life, but also terrifying in their calm contrasted with their meaning.

Yet what can we do. Not all human life is under direct control of the frontal cortex. It is what it is.

Reading your thread helps me feel less alone. SO thanks for that, but

We would not wish SI on anyone.

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.