Connect with people who understand what you are going through,
seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're
free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.
**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.
For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.
Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.
My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.
Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.
I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Unknown userMember
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Hi @Sans911,
you have been on my mind all day today. Just checking on you to see how you are going today and making sure you are ok.
super big hugs to you 💗💗💗💗💗
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@CheerBear - thank you for your warm hug. As I've said before, just seeing your name invokes nice feelings. It's such a caring, warm and nurturing name. And if that fits your character, then you are truly a very special person indeed to know. Yes, weekends are super difficult for me, as they just reinforce my aloneness & isolation. I know there are people around that are sharing good times with others. And right now I hate ringing crisis services or even my case manager as I know they'll keep suggesting an admission as I'm not very safe. I know in my heart that I probably do need that, but home is where I feel comfortable without having the routines of meal times, meds, nursing rounds, etc. I'm sure you understand what I'm saying. Thanks again and I hope you are ok in yoyrself
In response to: Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
TeejSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Hi @Sans911,
ive been reading your posts on and off a bit and just wanted to say hi and I'm sorry things are so sad and painful just now for you. I experience periods of suicide ideation and have had lots of short hospital stays to break the cycle. I understand the hospital routine part. Usually when I've gone my self care and hygiene have hit rock bottom and I can only see one way out, hospital helps with extra meds which help enormously for me. I am also limited with prescriptions due to my past behaviours. Hospital is not a cure though, just a temporary reset for me. I have also lived on crisis lines from hour to hour In the past and know how hard that is. I have found this forum has helped hugely, not only with connection, but support as well in my dark times. The isolation of having a mi is broken a bit by being here for me.
I understand the social real life isolation to a degree but I still have adult children living home so I am not there yet. I'm sure it will hit me like a brick when they leave too.
I just wanted to say hi and let you know you are not alone. I hope things improve a bit for you this week and hopefully being the end of the weekend helps a little too.
Best wishes 💜🤗💐
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Teej - although I never would wish chronic SI on anyone I appreciate you sharing your experiences as I feel less 'different' knowing others have been in similar situations. I think a hospital stay will be imminent as I'm less able to be safe at home from SH and I'm now doing other things that I never do. These behaviours are impacting a lot on my physical health and I also don't know what the long term damage will be. My GP is very, very concerned about me right now. I appreciate her concerns but at the same time I have lost the capacity to give a s#*t about myself. I'm just barely hanging on for much of the time, too scared to take a final step but not wanting to live in this chaotic, negative mindset. Thanks for your thoughts and time.
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Sans911 I know today will be rough. I hope you manage to get some sleep and your headaches eases ❤ Im around if you want to chat or need a hug ❤
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Today is a hard day. When tears flow so easily, compared to they normally don't because I can hold them in, it's a really difficult, dark day. My life right now is the messiest and worst it's ever been. I struggle sometimes with what is real in my present and past and what is not. And why do I exist right now, suspended in time and motion unable to move forward, propelled only by the ticking of a clocking and the movement of the sun and moon. Nothing is nor feels good, there is no purpose for my existence since everything I treasured is lost and recovery is fraught with much pain, tears and uncertainty. Death seems a scary option, but a peaceful end to this unacceptable pain. But last night I saw in a dream my own demise, very, very clearly, and I saw my funeral, and it frightened me so much that my mind could take to those places. Every day I try to hold back unrelenting thoughts of SI/SH. Sometimes I win, other times I don't and my weak, vulnerable self gives into the respite of it all, even if not permanent, but for a few hours without a tortured mind and painful anxious sensations. There are so, so many things to overcome. It's almost suffocating. I'm so ashamed of this person I am now, so weak when once so strong and keeping it together, vulnerabilities lined up like badges on a sash for all to see, judged and scorned by her own peers and family, misunderstood and mistaken by those who know so little about my experiences. I dare not share my past traumas with others for they are my cross to bear, unspeakable acts of time when I only went looking for acceptance and love. Instead I got used and abused. So hear I stay in darkness mostly, because I cannot bear the light if a new day, here I stay stuck because I can't see the way out, here I stay poisoned by my SI and hoping for an end or a resolution.
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Hugs and hugs and hugs @Sans911 I wish i could say something that would help so ill just sit here with you until your tears stop or until you want me to let go Lots of love and hugs ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@outlander ahh you lil ratbag, don't go here today please. Just take care of you.
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Im fine @Sans911 The hard but is over for me today Love you ❤❤❤❤
In response to: Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Unknown userMember
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Your words @Sans911 so honest and so true. Your words tell me how unfair life is for you and how unjust this world really is. If I could wrap my arms around you I would do it in a heartbeat.
Big warm hugs for you and please keep reaching out to whoever you need to 💕💕💕💕
We're improving how you access SANE services, starting with Forums
You’ll soon be able to use one secure login to access all SANE services.
For added security, members are now required to log in with their email address and password - member names are no longer supported for logging in.
If you had a Forums account before 19 May 2026 and haven’t set up your new login yet, you'll be prompted to set up your new secure login when you sign-in.
