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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.
For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.
Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.
My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.
Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.
I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
It's been a long, drawn out day today. And not easy to come to terms with how low I've fallen, and to have that confirmed by my mh case manager is a shock. I've now started to have nightmares /dreams about the end of my life, how it will end and such. It terrified me that the strength of my thoughts alone can take me that far. I am starting to feel very disconnected from life, and I've isolated myself so much where I spend days finding any excuse not to leave my house. If I do leave, I barely speak to anyone unless I have to. This is not the old 'me'. The me that would banter with the barista, smile and ask the checkout person how 'they' were and thank them for their assistance.
When I saw my GP today, her first words about from asking how I was, and seeing the tears come way too easily, was hospital, and now. It's a place I know so well, from both sides. And from the patient side, it's come to represent fear and distress.
But today I hope I got a lucky reprieve. I really hope so. I'm going to a mh respite clinic, with a program aimed for patients with BPD. I'm going in the morning, and I'm both nervous but hopeful something can turn me around from the darkest recesses where I currently reside. I have to share a room, another area of anxiety but either they'll be quite and so will I, or we'll be nice room buddies. We take care of our own meals, except for shared meal on Friday (sounds like Friday Feast). It sounds like there are structured group programs & perhaps individual counselling - not 100% sure yet.
But I'll still be bouncing around in the forums. I'm going to need support just as much as now. And I giving ad one more try. Plus my GP has confirmed I'm pre-menopausal, so we are investigating HRT in the near future which may make a difference for a lot of things. A little glint of looking into a mirror of the future perhaps. I want another chance at life-a good life. A life of laughter, joy and hope.
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Sans911 sending some massive and unconditional hugs your way. It seems like things are really bad atm i really hope the respite will help. It seems they are really trying to help you. You deserve and need help. Im relieved to know your getting help. Ive been pretty concerned about you but thats not your fault. I want you to open and honest here. Love you loads and giving you a helping hand ❤❤❤❤
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@outlander yup, I forgot to tag you, but you found me anyway in my lil corner.
@CheerBear@Faith-and-Hope@Zoe7@Appleblossom - there is something new sprouting in my corner of the forum. Let's hope it lives
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
I really hope this helps you @Sans911 im really proud of you for getting that extra help though i really am ❤❤❤❤💌💌💌💌
In response to: Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Unknown userMember
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Dear @Sans911
I hope you get the help you deserve in the respite clinic and you get that second chance at a good life. You deserve it as much as anyone else.
You will be in my thoughts 💕💕💕
Nell
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@outlander thanks for your kind words. Tears are flowing again; stupid, stupid tears. I came to these forums seeking support, and in a few months I've 'met' and the most amazing, beautiful, caring souls who despite their own desperate pain, often despairing battles, stick together like a little army of mighty warriors, taking on each day with whatever they have, and regrouping with high fives, a cup of tea, chocolate for survival and a whole lot of love for each other. You are all amazing.
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Sans911 i thought the same thing. Ive only been here just over 7 months including the time i was here beforehand Tou are one of those mighty mighty warriors too big sis. Remember that always Love you loads ❤❤❤❤
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
*you not tou
In response to: Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Sans911 That sounds super positive. What you are describing sounds a bit like @CheerBear's break place. I remember how super scared she was going there, and yet how super helpful it ended up being. I am heading off to bed now, but I just wanted to drop by and wish you all the very best for tomorrow.
In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation
@Former-Member - thanks Nell. I'm watching over you lovely lady. All I want is the best for you too. It's sometimes not an easy road, it can be long, but step by single step gets us there. Even after 2years from my breakdown & diagnosis of depression, BPD, and and anxiety I'm still fighting for my life, and trying everything to bring something worthwhile back to me. I'm tired, but I don't want to give up just yet.
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