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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

♥️ @Sans911 ......

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi @Sans911,

I feel so cranky on your behalf. My understanding is that you have BPD, is that right? I am not aware of any treatment guidelines or any research anywhere that suggests ECT is an appropriate treatment for BPD. I understand that you are also super struggling with depression, and this is what the ECT would be aimed to target. However, I have to admit I would be getting a second and third and fourth opinion regarding ECT.

As you said, it can be a super effective treatment and I know some people here in Forum Land have had great outcomes with it. Also, as you said, it isn't nearly as scary as it sounds. I'm just curious to know why it has been recommended to you given the comorbid BPD diagnosis. BPD IS treatable. You CAN get better. The great challenge of course is trying to find the right support to help you do that. As I think we all know, there are a lot of extremely unhelpful helping people out there, and the few good ones are often beyond the price range of most of us. However, this definitely does not mean that you are untreatable...it means you are caught in an underfunded and under-resourced public mental health system.

I am super impressed that you were able to stand your ground and say no to ECT when you don't feel it is the right thing for you. I can totally hear how very very VERY dark things are for you @Sans911.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi @Sans911, @outlander, @Faith_and _Hope,@Bella and everyone.
Lost internet on tablet,and hope to get it fixed tomorrow. @outlander,stupid me had my username wrong on my phone,changed password all the time ,just realised I had Lil1 instead if Li1.
@Sans911,don't think I would go for ECT either but that is up to you.
I've been tired,slept most of Saturday after iron infusion with side effects of nausea and headaches.
My main problem past few days is I am severely depressed and don't want to be a****.@outlander,did make appointment to see Dr about carer's form tomorrow, but my mother started this afternoon. Tried like a idiot to talk to her about my depression and got abused,and got the usual "we", meaning her and her family and " you" (me,the psycho).
I have no future guys,going to Dr just because I need to check in with someone.
I'm glad I can communicate with you guys tonight.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

So good to see you @Former-Member ..... ❣️

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member @outlander @Faith-and-Hope

I'm so sorry to worry you all. I'm trying to calm down, but it's going to take a while. I'm being discharged back to the respite centre shortly, so I. I going to stay there & try my hardest to get something out it.

The consultant psychiatrist was really quite cruel when I refused ECT & medication. He essentially said that even if I had years of psychotherapy I would not get better with my severe depression & EUPD. He also said it was highly unlikely the respite centre would refuse to have me. So it was like a major sucker punch right in the chest. I just felt my world completely crumble. I have so little to hang on right now, I believe I'm so broken no one can fix me, and who would want to anyway. But what tiny shred of wanting to live, while I still have 4 fingers gripping the cliff edge, I will try to get back up.

And it's all of you, yes you people, who are real but not real, who despite your immense struggles and internal battles, you have such kindness, compassion and understanding.

Thank you all so very, very much 🌻💙💛

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Glad someone is @Faith-and -Hope,feeling really alone and down.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member - oh sweetheart, I'm super glad to see you around again. I've been really worried about you. 🌼🌸

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

You’re not alone in that at the moment @Former-Member ..... there are waves of it crossing the forums at the moment ...... all huddling together to get through it ...... come right in ......

💜

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911, he sounds like a w***** ,you have the right to refuse,and he has the responsibility of respecting your rights.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

You are not alone here in Forum Land @Former-Member.

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