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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

frogSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I'm sad it's so hard for you @Sans911 I want to send peace through the air to you.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I can't do this anymore. No one really understands me or the pain I'm in except for those here in similar spaces. Because I'm refusing ECT, the Drs here don't believe the respite centre will take me back (due to severe depression/SI). If that's the case, then truly almost every avenue I have tried has failed. And I'm labelled difficult and resistant to treatment. I see it in their faces and hear the resignation in their voices. It's almost like they've given me permission to take my life. They've done everything to make me feel that way except for pulling the trigger. They may as well do that too. I know I'm probably being melodramatic and I understand the depression is talking, but I really can't take it anymore. The Dr also says that no amount of psychotherapy will fix me. So I really am a hopeless case. I gave no more motivation or energy left to keep breathing or keep fighting. I'm so sorry.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Aww sis 💜💜 we are right here for you @Sans911
What is ect? Never heard of it

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I knew what to say but I just don’t have any words that will probably make you feel differently. All I can say is that I hear you and am here for you. 💜💜💜

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Electroconvulsive Therapy, or shock therapy @outlander. Sounds worse than it is. Basically it's a small electric current given through both temples (you are sedated) and the idea is it resets the brain chemistry in severe depression. It carries with it the risk of short term memory loss or lingering memory loss/difficulty in making new memories. When I was an inpatient last year I saw a lady who was completely non functioning, catatonic (doesn't speak or respond to you) who was a completely different person after treatment. She was laughing, talking, happy. But she came back some weeks later for further treatment. You need a number of treatments to be truly well again. The unknown effect on memory is my biggest concern, as I already have issues with this.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member @frog

Thank you for your concerns and understanding. I don't want to cause any further distress to anyone; there's already been too much of that already. And I'm getting more distressed myself because the way you all care hurts right in my heart. I need to log off.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

that sounds scary as!! @Sans911

i wish things werent this way for you. i want you to have a better life and be able to live not survive

can you try to get twice weekly therapy sessions with the therapist you see now as your trust her?

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

logg off for you @Sans911 not becasue of us. if we didnt want to be here. we wouldnt

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi @Sans911

I am so sorry you are struggling so much at the moment. 😞 When you are already feeling like things are hopeless it is hard to feel like medical professionals seem discouraged with your treatment and recovery process. It is well within your rights to refuse treatments that you are uncomfortable with, such as ECT. It was brave of you to stand up and say this to your doctor.

Just wanted to post in this thread to let you know I am sending you a check-in email.

Kindest,

Amour_Et_Pscyhé

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