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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Mandy1-apologies for the wrong person I named the in the above post. So sorry-that was a bit careless of me

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Mandy1Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

It’s ok I’ve never had a husband so no offence taken - tomorrow may indicate if my partner will ever become my wife - fingers crossed !! So much happening this year - Good and bad - like every year I guess ... most of all thank you for your well wishes @Sans911 it was much appreciated

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member @Former-Member @outlander

Looks like I'll be in hospital later today, and will still go to respite centre on Friday. It will be a voluntary admission, but if I 'play' up I'll be made involuntary. It's been coming for weeks as my suicidal risk is pretty high, and my methods have changed, hence the need for containment.

I'm pretty sad about it all. I feel unsafe at home, but it's also my comfort zone. A place to hide out and at least pretend I'm fine even if I'm not.

Just wanted to let you know as my use on the forums might change. I think I'll be able to have my phone but not charger,so my battery goes flat fairly quickly without.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911It must be so hard to make that decision but I am glad you are making it for yourself and not being forced into it. I hope that it helps in the best possible way. Can you take a few things from home to make it feel a bit more comfortable for you.

Understand your use on here will be different but will still be sitting next to you and you will still be in my thoughs and heart daily. Becasue you matter to me Sans. I hope for your sake, that you can get something out of it and it helps even just a little. Big hugs sweatie

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

💐💕💐💕💐💕🌷 @Sans911 ......

You're taking us with you ......

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 right with you big sis 💜💜💜🤗🤗🤗🤗

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7 @Former-Member @Phoenix_Rising @CheerBear @outlander @Former-Member

I might have to gather you all up like a certain 🐻 CB does with a 🐢 does and put you in my pocket. Except I don't want to take away the specialness of that, and I don't have many pockets anyway, so my favourite hooded jacket might suffice, and you can all sit in the hood and survey the world from a great angle.

I've isolated so much in the last few months, that I have found more comfortable here than dealing with the stresses of rl. It's an amazing place to be, where you are understood in less words (sometimes more), accepted with your vulnerability and carried forward when you are paralysed with fear and indecision. You all know how special you are, right? You, and many, many others are incredible people which the world needs us to help swing the balance back.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

And you know how special you are right? @sans912 because you mean the world to me and im sure many others too. The world needs more of you too ❤ take your hoodie and we will all squish in there somehow

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911I would be happy to sit in your hoodie. You matter to so many people on here and we will be with you every step of the way.I am glad you said the world needs US because you are one of those special poeple too

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Damn it @Sans911 above msg
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