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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Faith-and-Hope Yes being in limbo is hard to do. I feel that way with my meds at the moment. I had seen that there were some extended family issues going on, I hope all is ok.

well done for getting on with things. Might need to start my own checklist!

we are actually having some lovely weather in the east, not as hot as over where you are however☀️☀️

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

One of my motivators is to collect ✔️'s @Former-Member ......

I give myself any and every excuse to score a ✔️ cos each one means I have achieved something, where the temptation is to just curl up into a ball and do nothing, waiting for outcomes that are beyond my immediate control.

That's one reason why I plant my toosh in the coffee shop every morning for coffee .... it means I have to be dressed ..... and while I could drive, I make myself walk ...... and to "earn" my coffee I have to make the bed too ..... and if I put a load of washing on on my way out the door, I can tell myself I have done some housework.

Doing the dishes is another "have to" ..... bed and dishes, and sweep the floor if it needs it ..... that's the basics for a clean house, and that's my baseline.

All part of "having a day".

"It won't always be like this" is another mantra ....

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Faith-and-Hopeit is good that you have motivators that can help you in this journey and feel that satisfaction of achieving these along the way.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

It's something of a panacea @Former-Member ..... a carer needs to avoid the pitfalls of situational
depression and that can be a real struggle ..... I try hard not to give it much foothold, and keeping busy is one key to that. When all motivation is absent it is important to create some somehow ...... have to try not to let a spiral begin.

In that way it has a common link with Lived Experience. Neither one is easy.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Mandy1Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Faith-and-Hope I am fighting a spiral today as I am watching my partners new meds slowly show their side effects - seems constant hand tremors and a little tremor in lower lip too ... also restlessness ... also just had full coronial document set arrive for my step fathers recent tragic unexpected death ... reading through those triggered raw grief again and definitely having to be super strong today to keep one foot in front of other as working from home and have soooo much work to catch up on !!!

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Feeling for you too @Mandy1 ..... at least none of us are alone in the struggles .....

💐💕

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Mandy1Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope 🌸🌻🦄🦄🦄🦋🦋

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Thank you to you too @Mandy1 ..... it makes a difference to be heard .....

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Mandy1-what you are currently going through, on top of your husband's desth- that must be really, really difficult. My heart goes out to you hun. My nephew was killed instantly in a motorcycle accident after a short police chase, and although I wasn't super close to him, the impact of the ongoing investigations was really difficult for his mother, my sister. I felt so helpless, at that time watching her deal with all that & not being able to put closure on his death until it was all over. All I could do was try to help her at the end of the phone, and help her with the medical terminology.

I hope you have some caring, loving support around you to ease your burdens.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Mandy1Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 thanks and yes I’m very fortunate to have work colleagues and family and supportive partner and a great psychologist I just started seeing - I have learned the hard way that support is a must and I must ask for it xx
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