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Something’s not right

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor15 July 2017, 1:02 am AEST

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor12 Nov 2017, 2:39 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

How can i be your angel when your mine? I might have to come up with another line i cant see you budging to give it up

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor12 Nov 2017, 2:41 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Oops forgot to tag you into both msgs! @Sans911 reabove 2 msgs

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor12 Nov 2017, 2:45 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander - I actually use that line from a very dear friend whom I shared a house with in London. You might need her permission first lol! So no, I definitely won't budge from it. I if didn’t know you better, I would class that last sentence as insulting! (just kidding 🙃)

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor12 Nov 2017, 2:48 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander duh, I can figure out most of the time who the message is intended for. You dope. I sometimes forget to tag too. All is good.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor12 Nov 2017, 2:48 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Well arent you lucky you know me well then @Sans911 😏😏
I always forget to add those to the orginal msg lol which is on prev page.

Hmmm i dont know of another line 'sis' doesnt seem enough sometimes

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor12 Nov 2017, 2:49 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Oh name calling now how dare you 😋😜

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor12 Nov 2017, 2:57 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander- didn't you read I have a lot of suppressed anger? It has to be directed somewhere. I figure sarcastic wit is appropriate under the circumstances.

have you been over to the Good Morning thread today? Be careful hey? Serious shenanigans going on there. You might be forever corrupted by the lovesick @TAB and @Former-Member

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember12 Nov 2017, 2:57 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911,I felt I needed the hospital last weekend because my anxiety and anger/agitation was out of control but when you think again, there's nothing anyone can do and it has a good chance of making me worse ,same as talking to someone whoose assumptions and questions can P*** you off,or after my experiences,don't want anymore crap wrote about me,that at the end of the day may or may not be true.After a pig cop telling me my private thoughts to the mental health nurse last year,my trust and faith in anyone is little.My anger is a problem,angry at myself,the world,and those who contributed to my breakdown through putting up with them etc.

But please put safety measures in place for yourself.

I'm ok did do a big walk this morning,took a iron tablet yesterday and this morning,wasn't as breathless and walked better but hills the weakness is in the legs.Wont take another iron tablet now.Losing iron every six months or so.But been home and tired, been on the floor,did a bit but know I need a sleep, trying to keep going for my mental thoughts which as you know I have my moments.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor12 Nov 2017, 2:59 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Ive already been corrupted lol. Ive veen watching thm for weeks now @Sans911 well sarcastic wit is alot better than other options
Dont worry i can handle it 😉

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor12 Nov 2017, 8:53 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911these are for you.. just casue i can

and i also wanted to check to see how your going from earlier on today and how your travelling?

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Torres Strait Islander flag

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.