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Something’s not right

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor15 July 2017, 1:02 am AEST

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

2548 replies

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor01 Nov 2017, 12:32 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

We are all walking with you @Bubbles3 ..... you are clearly hurting very badly and we care..... and there are counsellors who can help you when it all feels to heavy to carry on your own. Please stay walking along with us, posting more of the beautiful images that you share so freely. I am on my phone, and can't send you any just now, but I look forward to the ones you post .....

Have youvheard any more about the baby magpie ?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Bubbles3Senior Contributor01 Nov 2017, 12:45 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

The magpie.....havent heard anything

Gizmo.......havent got him out today as i cant be bothered .

All i can be bothered today..... is hating myself. I hate me. I hate my life. Im ashamed of me. I just hate everything about me.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Bubbles3Senior Contributor01 Nov 2017, 12:53 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

No one dont want to talk to me anyway. Im just a miserable person that no one should waiste there time on. I dont deserve it. I dont deserve anything

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor01 Nov 2017, 12:54 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Bubbles3 that is understandable when you have suffered so much pain in your life ..... it tends to turn inwards on you and present as self-hate ..... that is natural to having been hurt as much as you have ...... but it doesn't have to stay that way ....... the people who hurt you are not around you now ..... they are not hurting you now .......

It is important to separate what happened before from where you are today ..... and the crisis counsellors are better able to help you with that when it feels like that is all you can see ..... when you experience flashbacks and horrible memories that keep rising to the surface b cause they haven't been heard ..... they haven't had a chance to heal .......

You need love and support to get through this @Bubbles3 ...... and we are here to walk along with you, on the bad days as well as the better ones .......

Please blow Gizmo a kiss from me ..... I can see him in my mind's eye ....... cheeky little guy that he is ....... you are grateful to have him, aren't you ?

♥️

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Bubbles3Senior Contributor01 Nov 2017, 12:59 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Yes im gratefull to have him. I just do t ha e the energy to be around him atm. Coz i have watch him all the time in ase my cat come back. Plus my cleaner will be here in a minute. Your starting to soften me @Faith-and-Hope. For starting to make me calm down. How do you do that.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor01 Nov 2017, 1:02 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Yes you do @Bubbles3 .... you deserve love and understanding like everybody else does ..... it's the pain and hurt you have experienced that is trying to tell you that you don't ...... and those feelings themselves are real ...... I can hear that in your story ..... I can hear that in the way you are talking now, but you do deserve love ..... you are being heard ...... keep tslkingbit out Hon ...... keep spitting out all the pain and suffering ...... and we will keep sending you love to replace it with ......

Talk to the counsellors ....., keep spitting it all out ...... let's get rid of it but by bit and heal up all that hurt .....,

♥️

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor01 Nov 2017, 1:06 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I haven't been hurt in the same way you have @Bubbles3 ..... we are all here with different experiences and different capacity ...... that's part of how we help each other.

My pain is coming from changes in my life in recent years that I cant control ..... I am walking with a lot of heartache and disappointment in my daily life, and you reach out to me with your beautiful Gizmo, and beautiful Bubbles images, and beautiful cars, and photos of lightning ...... and you comfort me in my pain.

I am grateful for you ...... you matter to me ......

♥️

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Bubbles3Senior Contributor01 Nov 2017, 2:01 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Thankyou @Faith-and-Hope

Your so gogd with your words. I wished i believed that in my self . Atm i just hate what i do. Like the mods yesterday....i did it on purpose to see how far i can push them away. And i do the same here. Because i hate myself. Thats i was banned 2 times. I just kept on getting angry and more angry. I always push peaple away. Then it make me think, what i do think , is true. That no one cares.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor01 Nov 2017, 2:07 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

We care @Bubbles3 ...... we are here for you ..... just ride out the storms when they come, like you did today ...... and just keep going ..... hearing takes time and it's a bumpy road ..... but you've got to just stay on it ...... your kids need their Mumma.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Bubbles3Senior Contributor01 Nov 2017, 2:10 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope

After this

I dont know hiw to talk to people now.

I dont know what to say in other threads coz im sure they read all of this sh*t and how miserable iv been

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.