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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

2548 replies

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Just be your gorgeous self @Bubbles3 and post us some more photos or images of something that brings you joy ...... something to be grateful for, so we can all feel grateful for it along with you .......

I am grateful for the hairdresser who is helping me make sense of my frizzy greyish mane at the moment, but can't post a pic of that ..... lol ......

😆

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Bubbles3Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Im going to call you wonder woman @Faith-and-Hope

I have calmed me down from hating the mods......even through they are probably watching me a hawk......hi mods.

You ha e calmed me down from hating myself so much.
And you have stopped me from being angry with me and everybody else

Thankyou

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Bubbles3Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

And thanks @Sans911 for your help

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

There are a lot of people who love me supporting me @Bubbles3 ..... and that helps me to reach out to you ...... it's a chain and you are as important a link as anyone else ...... we all hold the chain together ......

I am so glad you are feeling better ...... you've made my day ...... 🤗💕

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Bubbles3 I didn't do anything for you. It's @Faith-and-Hope you should take all the credit. But I'm here to listen to you need if you want

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

It's all of us @Sans911 ..... I don't have lived experience in the same areas of life that you and @Bubbles3 and many others here on LE-forum do ......

My experiences lie in another direction that I hope one day will help other people ...... to help make sense and find purpose in what we are going through.

I have felt cared for and accepted here in a way that I am not irl at the moment because there are people who don't want to believe what we are struggling with could possibly be the truth. We are dealing with delusion, but I am being painted as the delusional one ...... it's so hard and it makes me feel like giving up some days ...... it's the love and support on the forums that has carried me across the last 18 months when I felt I had nothing left and I would have to leave ...... with everything that that would have come to bear from doing that.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 How are you going today?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Bubbles3Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi @Former-Member

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi @Bubbles3,

I read what you said about not knowing how to talk to others around here now because they may have read your recent posts on this thread. I just wanted you to know that I've read them and I like you exactly the same now as I did before I read them. It sounds like you are superly duperly struggling with gigantic feelings and because of that, you can sometimes push people away. That's ok, I do that a lot too. I know that my big feelings totally overwhelm people here in the real world, which is why I am so isolated now.

Gigantic feelings are super difficult for everyone to deal with - both the person having the feelings and the people trying to support them. When things go awry, all we can ever do is apologise, get up, dust ourselves down, and try again. Here in the real world everyone has left such that I can't try again with them. However in Forum Land, people (including the moderators) seem to be much more accepting of the fact that we are all doing our best in super difficult situations, and it's ok to have extra super tough days sometimes.

@Faith-and-Hope is pretty awesome isn't she. When I grow up I would very much like to be like her.

I am really glad you found your way to Forum Land @Bubbles3.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Bubbles3Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Thanks @Phoenix_Rising

I really appreciate it
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