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Something’s not right

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

2548 replies

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hope you got some sleep @Sans911.💌

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911just checking in on you, hope you are ok this morning

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Bubbles3Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Why are things so triggering for me. Iv been banned twice yesterday from this forum. And that really upset me. I get angry and upset with it. I have no one to talk about about how im truly feeling in case i get banned again. What am i ment to do. I will ...... soon , i just dont know when

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi @Bubbles3,

We placed a short term pause on your acces yesterday which was just so that you could focus on accessing the crisis lines and our chat line whilst you were in crisis. As the forum does not have the capacity and set up to help you in a crisis moment, we get you to focus on utilising those other supports in those really tough moments. We really hope today is better day for you.

Lauz

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Bubbles3 - you got an email right, to explain what you did wrong. Heck, even I've received them. 3 in a matter of a week. Sometimes it the way we word stuff, or use of other to say what we need to say. Just choose your words carefully, and maybe send it SANE team by email first to see if they're happy. I had to the mods first before I put certain content in this thread, because much of what is triggering and can be dangerous

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Bubbles3Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I just cant anything right. Im always fkn up. It doesnt matter what i do ....it turn to fkn sh*t.
There just no point me doing doing anything anymore. No one really talks to me on here anyway. So i mays as well not be here

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi @Bubbles3 ..... glad to see you are back here today. Your post the other day when you talked about what had happened for you came through, and I am so glad you could tell us ......

Yes, it is when you are in a state of crisis and needing that extra support that it is important to access crisis counselling and Sane chat rather than the forums ...... but your story is important, your feelings are important, and you matter, very much.

We have come to know you in this short time and love how much you contribute here ..... I know I do, and I can hear others saying the same ......

Your kids and hubby matter too Bubbles3, so it is important to look after yourself and keep reaching out for extra help when the waves get too big.

Hugs Hon ...... ♥️

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member thanks for the explanation

@Bubbles3 you aren't a bad person, see, you just had needs that someone forum members struggle to help you with. It's happened before with other members where their crisis was more than I could cope with.

I hope all this explanations help you feel cared for & supported

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Bubbles3Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Thanks but there just no point anymore. Iv had enough of trying my hardest all the time. I try my hardest to interact with everybody and seem lime i go no where. The mods will be watching me like a hawk now with everything's im writting.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hey @Bubbles3, interacting and communicating in generall can both be really hard things! Like @Sans911 said we all can struggle with it on different days. No one is here to judge you. We just want to make sure you get the best kind of support for when you are at crisis. @Faith-and-Hope was right your story is important to everyone.

Maybe you could tell us all what Gizmo is up to at the moment? Are the kids at school today?

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SANE logo
Australian Commission on Safety and Quality in Health Care NSQDMH Accreditation logo

Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.

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Aboriginal flag
Torres Strait Islander flag
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Transgender flag

SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.

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