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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander - Sheldon does come out with some wacky one liners huh? Hopefully soon I'll be able to buy the series.

The boys aren't too jealous of each other when the other is getting attention. My other cat, who is 2years old, is not a cuddly cat anyway, but he now demands to be outside at least once a day. Jasper can't go out until he's had all his vaccinations, so he sits at the back door, with a pathetic meow (a bit like a baby trying to cry). After a while he gives up and goes to sleep on the mat. All my cats have had yoghurt; theyve loved it. I might just wait a bit longer for Jasper's system to develop. Tonight he stole a tomato off my plate. And yes he ate it! My other boy knows the routine of the day. When I'm making my coffee or breakfast, he gets on the bench and has 2 caps of milk. Then he gets down.

I previously had 2 cats unrelated that were both black. They were Radar and Tiki. Radar was almost 8kg,but very sleek & muscular. Tiki was hall the size, looked like a Burmese. He was a fluff ball & loved to be held. They were put to eternal sleep in 2009 and 2010. Their ashes are on the mantle above my bed.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hello @Former-Member - I know you're around. Can you come out of hiding and say hi? I would like that very much.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Whacky alright @Sans911 ebay usually has them cheap maybe you could try there?

Oh lol i can I picture japser and his meow sitting at the door. I bet he will be happy to go outside too when hea able to. Oh thats cheeky! Hes brave taking it off the plate! In time im sure he will learn the routine too.
Is 8kg big for a cat? Sounds like a big cat....
Aww as least they are resting peacefully 😘

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi @Sans911. I know you don't want to talk about it, but I'm sorry it's so hard to get help (that we are all worthy of).

Back to cats ... almost 8kg! Radar was a big cat. 💚

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi @outlander. 🌷

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member - ah, there you are! Well 👋. I'm so glad you popped up to say hi. And thank you for the validation. Accepted even when I don't want to talk about it. You know I follow you a lot, right? Hmm... I hope you don't think I'm some perverted stalker, I just like what you have to say, and don't want intrude by posting in that special space.

And yes 8kgs is a big cat! In time I'll post his and Tiki's pics in Especially Cats. My other cat I have now is probably close to 6kgs, but he is a very loooong cat! @outlander @Former-Member

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Thank you, @Sans911. I follow you too, so definitely not thinking you’re a stalker. I haven’t been around much lately because I’m finding it really hard to be here (and just to be) at the moment.

By the way, you would never be intruding—no matter where you post (though I get it because I feel like that, too).

My little Edie-Cat is wee one … under 4 kg.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member - I was aware you find it hard to be here. Unfortunately I'm finding it hard to be here too, with a few issues of late. But staying away from the amazing support that I get here is hard as well. Especially when the real life support is so lacking.

Yes, Edie-Cat Is a lil un. My Jasper is 12 weeks and he's 1.5kg. Side by side with my other cat, he's so small.

Thank you again @Former-Member for stopping by. Please take care of yourself & I would really to chat again whenever you would like. No pressure. Keep up the likes though 😌 please be a they give me a reason to smile.

@outlander - lil Sis l, where have you got to? I know you are around talking to Dec & NN

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

No they are both gone @Sans911 sorry was just watching a clip f&h showed me. Am back now. I thought you went offline so gave you abit more time to respond. Im.never far 💕
Hi @Former-Member 💖
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