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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

2548 replies

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Shaz51Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

walking with you @Sans911

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

still sitting with you @Sans911

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Phoenix_Rising - I KNOW I'm not completely broken, but right now people make me feel as if I'm not whole either. Like I'm a missing peice of the jigsaw. Do many times when I call the crisis team, you can hear the sigh in their voices. It tells me they are fed up with me. They're done helping the unhelpable. They are people more worthy (I got told this today) that have the will to change and are proactive in their recovery. I'm seen as wilful, resistant to change. Isn't it bad enough that almost every day I have to fight to live, but these so called 'professionals' couldn't give a rat's a#*see whether I live or not. There's others to take my place. If I'd never made that call in January. ...

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Oh @Sans911 ❤ your are worthy to me you are and always will be 💜

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander @Snowie @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope


Why does it to be so hard to recover? I was doing so well for a few weeks, then all it took was an unhelpful pyschologist, invalidated help, and I'm back in the SH/SI pit again fighting to survive. I really hate being in that space. I can't trust or rely on anyone to be there for me. I thought I was the lucky for a while there last year. I had a great case manager (mostly), my suicide prevention counseller and personal support. But it seems I'm in the same boat as everyone else is. How do people get into these jobs and stay there when they're so inffecient & they protect each other?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Its a hard one to answer @Sans911 and yes you were doing well and you've come unstuck but not by your doing. Is there a chance you can go back to your suicide prevention counsellor as a long term thing instead of the psych you see now?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander - unfortunately not. Both she and I would like that, but she is not in private practice. I spoke to my pyschologist today when he called to cancel, and I told him I was so unhappy with how unsettled I felt in the sessions that I SH on the the weekend. He asked to just wait until next week to talk to him. All I do is wait lil Sis 💛 💜 Can you stay and chat to me for a bit? I've missed you in the last few days.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I know you do @Sans911 it is frustrating and upsetting for you too 💖 bugger about her not being in private practice hopefully she changes soon so you can see her instead.

Of course ill stay and chat to you sis, we can talk about anything you like 💕

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander - let's talk about anything other my rubbish situation. Are you watching BBT? I'm laying on my bed, talking to you obviously, and Jasper is on the cat rug at the bottom of the bed on the opposite side. He's curled fast asleep. He's so smart and cheeky. He's already worked at how to jump on the the kitchen bench despite his size. He wants to taste everything which caused a tummy problem yesterday. I gave him some yoghurt and he got really bloated. I was so worried but he's OK now. Off to the vet on Thursday for vaccinations & a check up. The other cat has now accepted him wholly, and he was licking him one moment, then they were wrestling the next. Boys!!!

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Haha boys indeed!
Jasper sounds naughty but very clever @Sans911 he sounds really cute though and cuddly. Its good to hear that they are getting along so well now. When paying attention to only one of them does the other get jealous? They are very well looked after i can tell but heaven forbid you pay less attention to one of them otherwise youll know it hey..
Oh gosh glad hes ok! I didn't know cats could eat yoghurt?

I was watching bbt up until about an hr ago. Was watching season um 6 and had to laugh at a commet Sheldon made "your ovaries are squirting so much goofy juice into your brain you dont know which ways up!" Haha
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Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.

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Aboriginal flag
Torres Strait Islander flag
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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

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