oh sis @Sans911 you just got the whole works happening in this comment, what a rollercoaster post! your thoughts are so similar to mine- it becomes abit scary sometimes.
i was actually really worried what this post was going to say,i thought you were angry at me, i was glad you were honest with me last night and tbh i woke up feeling strange and that something was wrong and was drawn to here. i dont see the point in lying to you, but i was hoping i would come back to normal before others realised. didnt get very far with that now did i.
they dont have to be marriage vows, i think they are friendships vows and come with the territory. no you have never left me and i dont want to leave you either. i value the friendship we have even through little mishaps like this. you always seem to help even when you say i dont know how to help, so please try not to doubt yourself- easier said than done i know
accepting what others see in me is really challanging and i will admit i dont really know how to handle compliments- like when you say im resilient. i dont really know what to do with that information, it is odd territory to me and i also worry if i accept them that i will get a big head (you know what i mean by that yeh? )
i know you guys comment etc because you want to, its the same reason i post to others too, but when it comes to tagging i worry. i dont want anyone to be obliged to comment on something so i just post and if someone comments then i tag them back in with a response sort of thing. i never want anyone to feel pressure to comment on my posts.
i love being here and interacting with you all, its what i want to do. i love laughing with you all, and making jokes, sharing pics, sharing the good times, and having the pot stirred so to speak- you and your nurse jokes or funny threats like cleaning the bed pans helped me when i was struggling the other night, ive had so many good experiences here but sometimes i come to the convo later and everyones already said my thoughts and ive run out of anything to say. sometimes i just dont know what to do or say and so i hide. im finding i become overwhelmed quite quickly right now and as much as i want to be here i dont know what to say to help or show support and being helpless and feeling useless is a cause of major upset to me.watching others 'hit the right note' sometimes stings ( nothing to do with you guys) and wish i had of said something like that, or had that knowledge, or kindness etc to contribute the way i would really want to. i hadnt realised it before but ive noticed it more over the past few weeks that when i dont know what to say it makes me feel upset because that person deserves all the support they can get and i would like to support them esp those i am really close to. that has nothing to do with you guys, that is part of my trauma and having so very little control basically all my life its projecting onto now and tbh becoming more and more indpendent while its good it also feels very scary to me. i feel like its learning to walk all over again and trying to find a place in this world in amongst everything including my own struggles and mental health. i have also learnt through a tough time that everyone has boundaries- when i see others commenting sometimes i take that step back too as i dont want that person overwhelmed by too much all at once. i want to be there for them but without them becoming overwhelmed too. its tricky as i fell abit in the deep end and am trying my very best to learn from that and of course ill make mistakes but if im weary of it and whats happening at the time i hope to avoid those mishaps for both myself and the other person/people involved.
my best interactions are right here in front of me, you are just like a real sister to me. one that i dont have in real life, someone i can look up to. i have Snowie too and she is just like a sister to me too. i wish i had grown up with an older sister to look up to, some one that knows the world more than i do that when im shit scared can run to and ask for help. i dont have any of that offline as you and many others know. my best friends are right here and while they arent 'right here' they are in my 
and that means more to me than fake real life friends.
so that was abit of a ramble... what you said has helped, and i really appreciate you being honest with me even if its something simple ( or not so simple) as what you had said last night. when it comes to hurting others it is always unintentional but sometimes i dont pick it up either like me being distant in this case was starting to hurt others too and i was avoiding that. i dont know unless someone says something so thank you
