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Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor15 July 2017, 1:02 am AEST

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember16 Feb 2018, 9:00 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

That's ok @Sans911,and understand if I went to the hospital last night,I'd feel like I was taking a bed from someone who needed it but @Sans911,the difference is that I have strong SC thoughts,you have attempted SC several times, you need to be there ,so focus on you.I do agree you are high functioning but you still have the same thoughts as me who is probably slow functioning!lol or cry.

I understand the weight gain just take one step at a time.😘

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor16 Feb 2018, 9:01 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Morning @Sans911
Sorry your session was abit rough, hopefully as the day goes on things might become a little easier maybe talk it out with one of the nurses at respite? You seemed to get along with them and find them helpful...

No pressure to support anyone else it was nice just seeing your likes ❤
At least some of the housework is done, no need to worry all that much though it can wait.
Just because your high functioning doesnt mean you struggle any less. Your not a fake at all and you do deserve to be there.
Hearing you on the weight gain. Bloody horrible it is but hopefully you enjoy the walk around too. Might clear the mind.
Lots of lil sis hugs and a listening ( and hearing) ear 🌹💜

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

BunniekinsSenior Contributor16 Feb 2018, 9:05 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Yes I am super depressed about my weight gain too @Sans911. It is ridiculous but if I don't take these meds I will be back in hospital as a involunary patient and I don't want that. I hate being fat ...

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

SnowieSenior Contributor16 Feb 2018, 10:28 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911therapy sessions can be super hard at times so completly understand how emotional it was for you.

Us humans are so weird, we can see that others need support but when it comes to us, we struggle to think that we need that support ourselves. You are not alone in feeling this way. I am glad that you decided to go to the respite centre.

I hope you have a nice coffee and a nice walk.

You always support me Sans by just your prescence alone, no words are needed.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor16 Feb 2018, 10:43 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Snowie - thanks Sis for your kind words. I actually talked about you in my therapy session yesterday, and how much we meant to other (and @outlander @Former-Member @Bunniekins were mentioned but I didn't say anyone's user name) as well as how much your sudden departure hit me quite hard. I was more concerned about how you were than me.

I'm not sure at the moment that this therapist is right for me. Sometimes he misinterpreted things I said, and I don't always feel heard or understood. I don't know if I have an option to change therapists or not. I guess I do as he's not the only one there.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

SnowieSenior Contributor16 Feb 2018, 10:49 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911, thanks for being concerned. It is funny however, because when all of that happened, I was more concerned with how my forum family would cope than me, strange creatures we are!!

Something my psychologist always says to me is that I am in control. Control is a big thing for me as it was taken away from me at an early age.

He always is on about how I have control of who I see. I have control of what professionals are in my corner whilst going through all of this. He even said if I wasn't thinking that he was doing a good enough job for me that I could change psychologists (not that I would). He is right. We need to feel confortable with the people that are helping us. So perhaps if you think your therapist is not right for you, maybe it is something that needs to change.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor16 Feb 2018, 11:17 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Snowie - I'm so with you on control. I'm exactly the same. I like control of everything or as much as I can anyway. And yes, I've always been 8n control of who I see professionally. But how do I know if a therapist is right for me or not? I don't expect you to have an answer for that. Apparently my pyschologist knows the head nurse here, so hopefully that means he knows him as 5.i am having a chat with him later & I'll ask what he thinks. I know you're supporting outlander right now, and I don't want to interfere with that so I'll talk to you in a while.

@outlander - please try to stay safe lil Sis. Ring KHL or some other crisis service. I'm concerned about you.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

BunniekinsSenior Contributor16 Feb 2018, 11:27 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Snowie@Sans911@outlander@Former-Member@Former-Member Yes control is huge for me too. It manifests in my need to be super thin but I dont want to go down that route again it was awful.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

SnowieSenior Contributor16 Feb 2018, 11:27 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911perhaps speak to the head nurse and see what he thinks.

It is a hard question and one I don't think can be asked easily or quickly. I think we put our trust in our supports and hope that they have got our best intrests in mind. It does not always work out for the better and my psych who is right for me, not be right for another person.

I think we have to give them a chance to prove they are right for us, but I think we also have to go with own own judgement and instincts. If something is telling you that it is not a good fit, then perhaps a change is needed.

I used to have this one student who would answer a maths question, question her answer and then change it. Most of the time her first answer was right. I used to tell her that she needs to trust her first instinct because most of the time it was right. It was when she started questioning her own trust within herself, that she got the answer wrong.

Perhaps that is what we need to do. Trust our first instinct becasue it is usually right.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Bubbles3Senior Contributor16 Feb 2018, 11:34 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Snowie
Just reading your last comment. Its true that we are the ones who have the control of who we see and what we want from them. Thats what my advocate said to me the other day. Its all about me and what i want not what they want. If that makes any sense. And if im on the right track of what yoiu was talking about.

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