Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor15 July 2017, 1:02 am AEST

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

2548 replies

1,951 - 1,960 of 2,548

1...195 196 197...255

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember15 Feb 2018, 8:22 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

That makes sense @Former-Member . can certainly understand how hard is to have hope, when the struggles have gone on for so long. You're obviously very resilient, continuing to work so hard on your recovery. Keep looking out for the tiny wins, even if they are small. Its the little victories, sometimes even the silliest things like realizing that you are enjoying your morning cup of tea, that can remind of us of better possibilities.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember15 Feb 2018, 8:22 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Phoenix_Rising,keep that in mind if I keep on them,know my mother got a script few weeks back for something and because she had repeats had to pay $25 ,if it was a one off script,only $6 or so.

Yes he said they calm me , hopefully no side effect tomorrow.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember15 Feb 2018, 8:24 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Thanks @Former-Member I have many problems including family estrangement to social anxiety, I feel so lost.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor15 Feb 2018, 10:02 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 ❤💜💙❤💜💙

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

SnowieSenior Contributor15 Feb 2018, 11:27 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Goodnight sis @Sans911 hope u are settling in ok. 💖💜💖💜

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor15 Feb 2018, 11:30 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 💜 sis 💜

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember16 Feb 2018, 8:03 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 i hope that respite is being kind to you and you are getting some rest you need a deserve ❤❤

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor16 Feb 2018, 8:24 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Morning @Sans911 ❤

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor16 Feb 2018, 8:45 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Morning @outlander @Snowie @Former-Member @Former-Member @Bunniekins

I'm sorry (and no, you're not allowed to argue against that) that I wasn't more present yesterday. I had a really challenging therapy session & I was a bit of a mess of emotions. I didn't feel able to support anyone else. I still feel confused with conflicting emotions this morning, which are giving me a headache.

I got to the the respite centre later than I wanted to yesterday, but I also was desperate to get the mess in my house a bit under control & do some other chores. I've still got outstanding stuff to do, but it'll have to wait until next week.

I often feel like such a fake here at the respite centre because I'm high functioning, so I feel like I don't deserve to be here. I know yesterday the local hospital that runs this respite centre was looking for a bed for a mh patient, and I almost backed out of coming here to give them the place.

I'm going to try to get out for a walk after my coffee as my GP & foster sister keep pushing me to do it. I've stacked a heap of weight on in the last 6months. Many of my clothes no longer fit. I'm pretty upset about that, and the fact that it took a lot of hard work to loose it in the first place, and this stupid mental illness has fkd up so much of my life.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember16 Feb 2018, 8:57 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 know when you need to step away and look after you is so important dont be hard on your self be proud you took the steps to look out for you!
It can be hard at places like that but you deserve that place also to try and get some rest and look after you, just because you are high functioning dosnt mean you are struggling any less, it may just appear that way on the outside. MH is a b!/ch and im sorry its so hard right now, walks sometimes help life my mood even if ever so slightly. I hope your day goes ok today xxx

1,951 - 1,960 of 2,548

1...195 196 197...255