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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I get that @Sans911 ❤ we all want to protect others and not upset or trigger anyone ❤

As a suggestion...... your orher thread.. the moving forward and getting unstuck tou could write the less triggerring stuff there and ask for help on doing just that moving forward and getting unstuck. Talk to sane about all the triggering stuff but then come back to your new chapter as i find theres more people there and just explain that your aftet ways on how others have moved forward. Just a thought....

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander @Former-Member @Bubbles3 unfortunately what I want to ask is very triggering-all of it. I just tried to access chat and it's off-line, even though it's within the advertised time frame! And I sent an email but apparently a response can take 2 days! Now I'm getting stupidly peed off and anxious as I need to sort this out my head. I can't talk on the phone because I have hardly a voice right now, and too much talking sets off a coughing fit. Arrgh. This is about the time I need to throw something!

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 then ask here about it and how to move on.
The chat is offline because someone else is on it. Just wait around and refresh the page every few minutes itll come back on.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 im trying to think of another service.. not sure what part is triggerring but im wondering if 1800 respect would be any good? They have chat as well

In response to: Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911hun I can hear how stressed you are getting. If chat is off line it will probably mean people are using it. It will come back online soon and then you can jump on if you want.

Do you wan to just have a chat on here unitl it is avaliable?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

CheerBearSenior Contributor

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hey @Sans911. Really sorry to hear how tough things are at the moment. I can very much understand the dilemma of wanting to reach out for support here but not wanting to be behind triggering others. It's a hard balance, and shows how much you care about people here while wanting to help yourself also. I hope it helps to chat about it. I'm not sure if calling is an option for you, but I've found being able to blurt it all out and hear a voice, really helpful in the past.

Thinking of you, sending huge hugs and hoping you can find something that feels right for you soon 💗

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member thanks for that information. I wasn't aware as I've never used them before

@CheerBear thanks too, but unfortunately I barely have a voice above a whisper. I WAS in ICU, so I have throat irritation from the breathing tube

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

The subject title is a trigger warning @Sans911 ..... but you can return-email to the mods and ask them to place TRIGGER WARNING - at the start of the title to make that even more specific.

Certain words used in the text you write can bring up a "please edit" message when you try to post it, and that will also indicate which word or phrase is contravening the guidelines, and there will be other ways to say the same thing.

If the content ote self needs editing to "tone something down a bit" in its triggering capacity, the post will be removed, presuming that you will edit it and repost it ..... but that is also accompanied by an email from the mods intended to help you to navigate that process.

I how this helps you to work out the boundaries and still be able to talk about the content that you need to Hon ....

♥️

In response to: Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

TeejSenior Contributor

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hey @Sans911 ive been where you are a few times. I understand your torment just now. Here if you want to talk about it.

In response to: Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 Hun sorry to hear about your voice. I so wish I could give you a big cuddle right now ❤️❤️

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

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