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Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor15 July 2017, 1:02 am AEST

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

2548 replies

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor18 Jan 2018, 10:48 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Morning @Sans911 @Former-Member and everyone 💜💚💛💙

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember18 Jan 2018, 10:52 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Morning @outlander How you going?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor18 Jan 2018, 10:58 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member I have the same nurse today as for all of this week. But shes off all weekend,as this is day 4 for her. But she's made time to come and discuss what happened last night and I appreciate that. She didn't judge or scold, just listened.

Hello lil Sis @outlander

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor18 Jan 2018, 11:04 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Im glad your standing up for yourself @Sans911 and that your being listened to. I hope your gp appointment goes well today too ❤
How does that work in a hospital setting? I wasnt allowed to leave.. do you get leave?

Im glad you got abit of sleep but the rest of the night was rough. I did read you went outside and read some of your book which sounds nice ❤
Im at the point where i just cant do anything anymore. I dont care anymore. Even with sleeping tablets i got very minimal sleep with a bad nightmare. I dont know where they are coming from but its no longer just me in my dreams its family too and that hurts and makes it feel more real.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor18 Jan 2018, 11:04 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member bottom half was to you ^^^

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember18 Jan 2018, 11:06 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911I am glad she just listened to you and made the time too. It helps when we are listened too and not judged but a bummer she isn't on for the weekend. Hopefully you get another nurse like her for the weekend.

@outlandersorry you night was rough. Do you have to do anything today or can you just have a rest and do something for yourself?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember18 Jan 2018, 11:15 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Morning everyone
@Sans911,at the end of the day what that nurse said means f**** all .I have deep depression over the comments Idiots have said about me including the repetition of "lacking intimate relationships" by three different doctors of the mental health nurse I put nearly 4yrs trust in.Sounded like I just needed to go and have a one nighter to fix me.It continually hurts me especially in my depression. Just try and look after yourself.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember18 Jan 2018, 11:19 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Just watch the meds @outlander you know they can create problems like nightmares and cognitive impairment.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor18 Jan 2018, 11:37 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander - I'm an involuntary patient, so technically I can come and go as I please. I can even discharge myself if I so want. However, I need to sign the time I go out, and intended time back and where I'm going to. I usually tell my nurse where or why I'm going and who I'm going to see. They ask if I'm safe, ok and let me go if all is OK. If they determine I'm not safe, and at risk, then they will try to talk to me about it and potentially get the Dr and ask me to consider staying. As a voluntary patient though I legally can't be stopped. That is how I was able to walk out of the last hospital ward, despite being highly suicidal.

If you are involuntary, it means that a psychiatrist has assessed your level of risk to be very high that you might imminently hurt yourself or someone else. You are scheduled under the mental health act. You stay in a ward that is locked to prevent you leaving. I have been involuntary once only. It's because most of the time I have good insight but sometimes I lack the ability to judge myself and how unsafe I am.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor18 Jan 2018, 12:09 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Im babysitting. No surprise there. Pops being difficult again today @Former-Member so trying be be selective hearing and focussing elsewhere. Im suppose to be ringing the psych team again but i know what they will say.
I decided to take a look at a few courses and try and see if any start soon. Loosing my job has given me timr to think but i also cant think properly either but no harm in looking.
@Sans911 if i show you some- i am actually breaking them down abit into relevant info in tables instead of sending links for all of them. If i do that and upload the pics could you take a look for me???

@Sans911 that makes sense!. I was involuntary twice and the time i went in voluntary i was only there overnight so didnt need leave . Thanks for explaining that it makes more sense now.
Your gp sounds really good so i hope it goes well and you find it helpful as well.

Thanks @Former-Member everything is all jumbled atm. At least im not having side effects yet which im more than happy about

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