-Enigma-

@Former-Member For some reason my posts aren't coming through, I must be pressing wrong buttons, this is my third attempt.

Im hoping you are at bingo atm, enjoying time with friends and husband, and winning.

My friend is on a lotto trail atm and I hear elaborate plans on how she will spend the winnings.

So new training for you on no interest loans, sounds good to me. I've had a few loans from Nils down here for fridge and washing machine, great really.

Ive taken a few pics from the book Frazzled, I thought you might be interested. I'll just see if this is coming through first.

Q

Hello dear @Maggie

I just returned from bingo and did win one game and a hamper. So that was nice. Feel a bit better than yesterday which was a plus. I went food shopping with hubby afterwards, watered the garden and just sat down to the iPad now.

I smiled when I read of your friend on the lotto trail musing over her winnings. I do the same haha. I would pay out my debts, put a little away and give the rest away. I would buy my daughter a very modest roof in trust until she is 40 and more responsible to own it outright, but where she can live in it now so we can all get on with our lives. My dream. She just received 4 letters of demands today to pay fines and I can see her ending up in court. I don't believe she will ever afford to move out and I am feeling very down about it. Future is threatened.

I read the pages from frazzled with interest @Maggie. I will have to read it a few times to absorb it properly. It did state that when it hits we feel friendless and alone etc wondering how long it would last - that chemical imbalance. I don't think mine is triggered by the latter – but the stressors I currently face and past hurts. More reactive depression. I have to see a better future to lift out of it. Keeping really busy and going out more helps too.

I read how the writer thought people should be awarded a medal for turning up to work when depressed. Indeed it is such an effort to go, I have to push a lot. But usually find it helps me better than staying home.

May I ask for your opinion here Maggie and anyone else who has one one about what I am about to say. I have a close friend who calls me her sister. We go places together occasionally and she always welcomes me in my home and she sometimes visits me. When my husband is sick or in hospital she calls to see if he is alright but never visit or sit with me. She is a good, kind person.

Yesterday when I was depressed at bingo she will say "I hate seeing you like this". Although I picked up throughout the day I have not heard or seen her for six since. Not even a text message. She never rang to see if I was okay. She has always been like that with me when I am depressed. When she faced her anxieties about her kidney cancer and operation recently I was always there for her, ringing her etc. She complained her husband would not listen to her fears, but I did. Her husband thanked me last year for really giving her the lift she needed when going through a hard time (taking her out even though I was suffering the psychological trauma of witnessing my daughter's attempt). I still pushed every week to see her and go out etc.

When my husband is ill she does ring to see if all is okay and will visit when he is recovering at home. But never asks if I am okay. She may say is something wrong but if I tell her does not say much and won't sit with me or come to see me.

And now when I am depressed she never rings, texts, visits and seems to have become distant. She knows I am struggling. I feel so alone in my depression and truly don't feel I have a friend in the world. I do feel my friend has let me down. I want to take a step back from her as this hurts me too much all the time. She wouldn't take it well if I told her this so I won't.

So my question is, and I will not get offended by an honest answer, am I being unreasonable feeling this way? Is she a friend or half hearted? What would you do with me if you were my friend? Honestly I am starting to think I do all the giving but no one but my husband gives a damn when I struggle. It would be so nice just to have someone care enough to visit and listen. But no one ever has. Am I inept at friendship or do many feel this way? Do you feel people run and hide from you when you have a brief depression episode? Appreciate feedback here as I am feeling so alone in this. I don't feel I have any real friends now just a lot of acquaintances. I seem to always be the one ringing listening and then forgotten when depressed.

Dont get me wrong, I am a independent person whom is upbeat with people most of the time. I am feeling I have failed the friendships stakes and wonder how I will survive if my hubby ever passes. This is my concern as I seem to be hopeless in the friendship stakes. People usually do pop up when lest expected to help sometimes and I can see God at work there but I seem to be hopeless in the long term friendship stakes. Or do people just expect you to do it all alone? I know a couple of people who are totally alone and say they get use to it. Is this true? I don't seem to get use to it. Maybe I am just thinking to much as in reality we all pass out of this life the way we came in, alone.

Hope I have not babbled too much here but this is an obstacle I need to overcome to help heal. That and my daughter. Most other depressive issues I can usual beat in the ways I have posted here in the past. But the other latter is causing pain and I feel stuck presently because of that. So I would be interested in your comments.

How was everyone's day @Maggie@Owlunar and all? It's predicted rain here for the next couple of days and I am off to my volunteer work tomorrow. Hugs to everyone 🤗xxx

@Former-Member Your friendship experiences sound the same as mine. I have been told so many secret and listened and listened, then listened some more. I did once mention to my present friend that I was depressed, she got up a walked out, I was so hurt. I pulled back then gave in because I like her. I don't talk about it, here online is the only place I trust with those feelings. There is a lot of misunderstanding out there regarding depression and until you have experienced it, I don't think you have any idea what it's like. The aloneness is hard, the thoughts that rob you of life.

It will be interesting to hear what others have to say.

When you say your future is threatened because of your daughter, do you mean you won't move? That would be a mistake in my opinion as your daughter is an adult, the responsibility belongs to her regarding debt. You are very supportive, but at a cost to yourself. I get that, being a mother, you want to protect, it's instinct, but you need to look after yourself also, easier said than done, I know. Please don't give up your dream home.

So you won and a hamper. A win is always a good feeling. Yes my friend says the same, buy this and that, save some, give the rest away. She does win here and there.

Still raining here. The ground is boggy. I put some grass seed down on my lawn. It's mainly dandilons which I'm slowly digging out and replacing. I think I'll be doing it for the rest of my life, keeps me busy and outside.

Cross stitch is coming along. I can't wait to get this one finished, it's been on the go for too long. Have you had a chance to get to yours lately?

I hope tomorrow goes well volunteering.

I found out why my posts didn't go through, i had put in a word not allowed, I hadn't noticed the red print, now I know. I was having some serious doubts about my mental state.lol.

I hope your evening goes well. Warm hug.

---

@Maggie wrote:

There is a lot of misunderstanding out there regarding depression and until you have experienced it, I don't think you have any idea what it's like. The aloneness is hard, the thoughts that rob you of life.

---

Hi @Maggie - thank you for selflessly taking the time to answer my question. People like you are rare and precious. You are spot on with the above - the aloneness is hard and the hurt and painful thoughts can rob one of life. And yes, no one will understand unless they have experienced similar. Most can have some hard times in life, but never ending depression issues is another level again. I have been out three days in a row now and it helps toughen me. I can have moments, even hours when the depression lifts as a result. Any relief is welcomed. Then it assails again, especially when I am tired like now. And the hurt my friend has caused which I don't understand is making it so hard right now. Even she said she would not handle what I go through. Calls me "sister" then hides when I have one bad day. I don't think I will ever allow anyone close again. I just hope this does not change me in any way - I don't think so.

You did the right thing with remaining close with your friend. She brings you joy and didn't hide from you but came back. Most people are scared of depression as if they are going to catch it - when they may also have trouble coping with their lot and don't handle it. I found myself very much alone with my battles years ago, apart from my husband's support, and that is what fuelled my resolve to help online here and in other places. It felt it was wrong to be shunned when one suffers mental agony - cruel in fact; - breakdowns are no less painful in my experience to physical pain or terminals illness. I would swear by this. So I resolved while I was alive I would do my best to fill that void of mental pain with compassion for those afflicted. Truly there is not a lot out there. It's shameful really.

Yes sometimes the negativity can have detrimental effects on others - I have felt this when people are suicidal, I will be honest and it can effect me badly; - hence why psychiatrists can struggle. So when I am super sensitive I don't answer as many threads but the majority of the time I can counteract it with the positive. And I truly care. I wouldn't want anyone to run from me being thrown in the too hard basket - especially if someone is really trying. People do have to help themselves - but I have done nothing else since my breakdown and have come along way - but the obstacles of life can knock one down repeatedly. And I get that and feel for those who struggle.

I had a woman come into the shop today who was in her early 40s who lost her job, home and was newly homeless. Myself and husband said if there was anything she needed in terms of food and other practical help all she had to do was ask. I said I will be thinking of her (not knowing really what else to say). She said "it's okay, I am tough". I wasn't sure if that was bravado or not as she would not of spoken about it in the first place if she was not struggling. What do you think? What would you have said? I am always open to further inner growth - I worry about saying the wrong thing.

A positive happened to me today as well. My friend at my volunteer work surprised me by cooking up a storm of Chinese fried rice, pea soup and spring rolls the night before and gave it to me for dinner!! Just out of the blue - she made me feel special. She also made for me awhile back some gorgeous hand-sewn cushions with an Asian ladies pattern on them (she is Chinese); for no other reason but to give and see me happy. She is the most beautiful person. She visits people and helps those who are alone and disadvantaged. She has no idea I am depressed or suffering - she just likes me and I adore her. In my eyes she is a saint (I don't tell her that as she would be embarrassed). But I think it. She is one of a kind and eased my pain. So there are good people in the world.

Yes, if my daughter can't sort her finances out to move I don't think we can. As where we are building is a community with strict by laws whom would not tolerated her disrespect, and she would destroy our new home. She is quite good with her mannerisms now but there is something very wrong with my daughter and she can be a ticking time bomb. So we would have to sell and I don't know where we would end up. Yes, that would destroy my dream - I knew this was a risk factor but could not resist trying. We are still strongly telling her she can't move with us - but I can't make her homeless and she knows this. Time will tell. It would be a grave injustice to give up that home and I will do everything in my power to not allow this, but feel very threatened.

Good to read that your cross stitch is coming along nicely - would love to see a picture when you have finished. I have been working on my sweetheart gate a little each day and have been enjoying this. I am going to the art shop to have the angel I finished quoted for framing tomorrow . If all goes well I will put up a photo of her framed very soon 🙂

My husband suffers chronic pain in his side everyday, this has been going on for years and sometimes this is so hard to watch each day. It's getting to me but I have to be strong. He has scans on Monday. I don't know how I cope with it all on my own. My friend knows all this and this is why it hurts all the more. I won't step back from her but I don't think I can continue a friendship on the scale it was that seems to be so one sided emotionally. I was there like a rock for her only recently. I feel a little indignant now. Maybe it's time for someone to regret losing me. I deserve better. I am making new friends at the shop and life goes on.

I hope your day was a good one, look forward to hearing from you soon. Sending much love your way xx

💐❤️💕 @Former-Member .....

@Former-Member The friendship I have atm is very one sided, it's always been that way, it seems that way with all the friendships I encounter. I'm a master at disguising my pain and crumble once my door closes. I was never allowed to speak as a child, so when allowed, I had to say as much as I could in as few words as possible. Always the Invisible even to myself. But @Former-Member ive found this to be a gift in writing songs. You have to say as much as you can in a few verses with choruses in between, I was wrapped when I realised that golden nugget.

I only come out, not really out, but depression eases just enough to feel a little joy. There do seem to be depths even in the depression experiences I find. I too keep my distance with people, I've too too hurt and don't seem to have the coping skills now. I think once the numbness eased the pain hit hard and the tears, oh those tears, where do they all come from, especially all that water etc!!! Online seems safe.

You are right @Former-Member there isn't a lot of help out there. I too want to help, if I can, though feel so inadequate, but even if it's good morning, I'll be there. I find it helps me to reach out, I didn't expect that, but reading through posts just knowing I'm not alone, you're not alone. I appreciate your support and openness and as I've said before, I know it's come at a great price to you.

I think your response to the homeless woman was spot on. I would have done just that also and she would not have mentioned it if she were not struggling, how could one be homeless and not struggle. My heart goes out to homeless folk, especially here in tassie during winter, it's so cold. How do they stay alive. I slept on a few benches as a child but it seemed safer back then than now.

I like the sound of your Chinese friend, she likes you too, can you spend more time with her? Maybe cooking together, cold be a bit of fun, or a girlie night, facemasks, fingernails, soaking feet, music, laughter.

Remember I told you I have a good social worker, could you find one to help out with your daughter. They seem to be trained in different areas and might be able to help you with decisions regarding her. If nothing else it's some support for you, she might even communicate well with your daughter. Just a thought, it's hard going through things on your own and people see things from different angles which can be helpful.

Im sorry your husband has constant pain, is it arthritis or something else? Hope the scan on Monday shows the cause if you don't already know it.

Your words at the end of the post are good ones..... Maybe it's time someone regrets losing me. I deserve better.... Yes you do. You went and found your husband, you know what you deserve in a friend. I hope you find a good true compassionate soul mate. It happens.

Today I sat in the van with the girls, my friend got her nails done. I don't know how people do anything with those nails, but they do. It was lovely and quiet and I watched birds and trees while the girls slept. I think I'm almost finished the cross stitch, thank goodness. I'm enjoying getting out of the flat more, I can only manage one or two shops, but I'm happy with that. Still trying to get out for a morning walk, only managed one so far.

Im writing a book here, so not like me, but I like talking to you. I'll shut up now. Good night my dear friend, sweet dreams.

Hi @Maggie

It is so wonderful how we can open up and just be ourselves here - a very rare and special thing. Write away as much as you like as I like talking to you too. I have never been so open with anyone except my husband. It's a good thing.

A lot of famous song writers, one coming to mind is the lead singer of "Sting", said they write music at their best when in a dark place. All those unsaid emotions come gushing out on paper as a magnificent piece of creativity that can speak to many. Writing is very therapeutic. Speaking of which when I improve I will have to write something here for the collaborative writing adventure. Life gets in the way too much for me lately.

Oh that's wonderful that the depression eases enough at times for you to feel joy. Just proves it's there and possible. This is a great thing. I have little spurts but lately this year feel nothing. It goes from being flat to a little more uplifted then flat again. But I was good last year - I can get there again 😊 And your inspiration and friendship helps. Mine is mostly the strain of my daughter's issues and behaviour and my husband's ill health. I can't imagine life without him, that's when I have to pull back to living in the moment or I will go down. And I then have to trust God will look after me in the future, that is where my faith has to kick in. When I was an atheist all those years I never had that and it's a strength. Sometimes all that keeps me going.

Being open with each other here does so help, as you said we both know we are not alone. And we are not. It's a special connection. When I found my faith some years back I actually joined a religious order as an noviciate for a short while. But realised it was not meant to be for me. We have much in common. I have never told anyone that but my best friend. Whom by the way rang me and wants to see me this afternoon. Which is good, she wants to fix things. I feel so relieved as we have been good friends for fifteen years and the added grief of losing hat friendship would of scarred me. I will let you know how it goes.

My Chinese friend and work mate is the best. There are only few people in this world like her and you. I have never done those fun things you mentioned as because of my childhood abuse I could not keep friends for long, and I drank a lot then as a result. So never did those normal fun things. I use to love to dance a lot though and sing/act. It wasn't good but I worked it out and like the me now. I always wanted to have movie days with friends at my home but usually it ends up with playing cards, talking and laughing over a few drinks. My limit is two, I always have to be careful there and I am sensible there now. Too much alcohol is just a depressant making everything worse.

I shudder at the thought of the homeless in any situation let alone freezing conditions. Too cruel for me. If that is happening too much a society is losing its humanity. Not good. We do our best to counteract their pain. Most who see us sleep in a car. Or they pitch a tent in a national park but are moved on. I would like to take them all in but the reality is mostly for many different reasons, not just substance abuse or mental illness, it is not safe to do so or risky. As being human they can take advantage. I don't judge them as I know but by the grace of God go I and I feel their pain. But we have to protect ourselves, that's just the reality. But if I can get them housing I will. It should not be up to the individual as we all pay taxes, and that should be put back into society where most needed helping firstly the disadvantaged. We need more affordable housing. Sorry, this issue runs deep with me and I can get carried away. It's so heartbreaking. But the resilience of these people can be amazing and inspirational as well.

For some reason though others doing it tough doesn't seem to lift me out of depression, not sure why as they are a lot worse off. But I could make my whole life nearly about helping them. It's so deeply ingrained in me.

I must look into the social worker option, we don't have any at our community centre which strikes me as odd. Probably due to funding cuts, the government is always cutting essential services to give corporations tax cuts. I better not get started again lol. But I will see if I can chase a good one up and see what options I have. My daughter is being chased for debts and she just doesn't respond normally. I think there is a chance she could end up in jail and I don't know what else to do. I have advised of all the different places she can apply for loans whom help people in her situation, she just will not fill in the form or do anything. I can't force her. Presently it seems hopeless and she worries me and brings me down. How is she to live alone? What a situation.

No one knows what is causing my husband's constant pain. He has cancer but presently that doesn't seem to be the cause thankfully. He just keeps having more tests, hopefully they will find what the problem is. So hard to watch and feel helpless.

Sounds like you had a lovely day out in the van with your friend. She sounds like a good thing in your life. I have another friend I see weekly at bingo and she lives all alone with no family but her three little dogs. She is thinking of moving further up north to live on acres. I asked did she know anyone to which she replied," that does not matter, I am used to being alone". I think she is amazing. Secretly I would miss her greatly, as she saids she misses me, but would never attempt to hold her back. I get attached no doubt but I can't be selfish. She is the best type of friend, who gives of her time freely because she is alone and now retired. So many have no time because of children, grandchildren, work etc to be there a lot. I always warm more to people who live alone, there is a mutual need even though I have a partner. They become my family.

My friend will be here in a moment so must fly, will post soon to let you know how it goes. Hope your day is filled with moments of joy and I look forward to hearing about it. Hugs xx