-Enigma-

@Former-Member I struggle to do anything, and I mean anything, when the heavy darkness hits. Concentration and enthusiasm all disappear and survival kicks in, sometimes just breathing is the biggest effort. I know the dark times well, like so many of us here, that's what makes us friends not strangers, the road well traveled.

The man came about the fence and is going to email a quote, all good there, my fur baby will be safe, that's all that matters as she is all I have left.

You Too are sunshine and a dear friend. Please take care, though I know how hard it is to take care of ourselves.

@Former-Member Hope you are doing okish, the ish makes all the difference.

@Faith-and-Hope Hi, where is the hot chocolate thread...I've looked everywhere...and missed it, is it a secret???

haha loving the ish

needed that you have just made my day

hope that you find the secret hot chocolate thread xx

Hi @Former-Member hoping your day is going okish!!!????

I've been out in the garden. The sun is out and sometimes I find just pulling weeds helps to stop my overactive mind. It's time for a coffee and a sit. I hope you managed a few stitches yesterday or maybe today, just if you are up to it. My friend is coming for a coffee later, so the day I'd going by faster than expected which is good. I don't really like week ends much, by they come regardless.

Some blossom and wattle blooming here and the rose trees I planted have the smallest leaves, good news as it means they are growing. How is your garden doing? You will be the first to see a bloom in my garden.

Whatever you are doing I'm thinking of you sending warm thoughts and a hug. Take care.

Hi @Maggie

I was just thinking about you at 12:34 and went to post when a lovely post from you popped up! Quite a uncanny coincidence. Although I don't really believe in the latter - we must be in tune with each other. Very special.

I feel better but still a bit flat. Having to push myself to do things. Hopefully this will all improve over time - the sooner the better. I have made some plans for myself next week to force the issue. Usually I feel better for doing so. I have to do this or I will start to give in to my mind again and become agrophobic - then I couldn't do my beloved volunteering and become depressed again. So I have to push.

My mental health is still a work in progress but I have come along way from when I had my major breakdown 5 years ago which is something considering the circumstances in that time were full of stress and grief. My mojo has been knocked so I am gently picking up speed.

How lovely to have a friend drop by. Sounds like you have some nice friendships. How did you meet them? I have met mine from getting involved out in the community where I lived at the time and now. I did get an invite last night to join a woman's indoor bowls team - I might just do it 😊

Your garden is coming along beautifully. I can't wait to see the first bloom. I love roses but it's very hard to grow them here because of the humidity. I will definitely plant another smaller garden when we move, I will have to try and get some nice pics of my backyard sub tropical landscape. It's very uplifting and tranquil to sit under the overhanging trees (flowering bauhinia), and to be amongst nature. Nothing relaxes me more.

My husband is cranky at my daughter which is stressing me. It's her fault, her manner has improved but she treats our house like a tip. We ask her to clean up after herself but she continues to trash it. My husband and myself are very tidy and this disrespect towards us causes so much tension. I worry now he will put her out and the going of separate ways will not be amicable. I don't blame him but at the same time I don't want to endure more grief. I have to try and throw myself into outside activities to counteract another major episode.

I always loved my children more than life, but to be honest they have been the greatest source of my grief, next to my abusive childhood.

Sorry to ramble. I feel so natural with you. I do feel positive for the future for both of us to be honest. When you said you cared so for your fur baby as she was all you had left brought a tear to my eye. But I also found this inspiring. With all you battle you still have made a nice quiet life for yourself with enjoyable activities and friends without family support. You are a true survivor and I love this about you, together with your beautiful heart. And that makes me realise that if I faced being alone I can do it too. That keeps me stronger still. Thanks to you my dear friend. I hope we will alway stay connected. Have a lovely day and say hello to your friend for me. Is she the one that likes clothes? She certainly has good taste in friends 😊❤️xx

Hi @Former-Member Yes it is the friend who loves clothes, she's the only person game enough to venture near me, I have barbed wire around my heart, so it takes guts for anyone to come close. I met her in my previous flats. She moved in a few years after I did. At the time I had a jack Russell dog, now passed, she was how we became friends. No porkies, she's the only person, apart from my social worker, who bothers with me, everyone walked right along with my husband. I lost my faith along with everything. No longer religious, but hopefully spiritual, something I'm slowly working on.

I understand why you push yourself, I do that and it works. I guess you are like me, hard to know when to stop pushing and learn to relax, all progress though.

I'm sorry your daughter is disrespectful, that must be so hard to deal with. She will learn when she's on her own just what it's like to do the things that make a home situation work. Hopefully she will move out soon. Does she have any plans for moving? I've heard it said many times how children can bring grief, it's sad.

Indoor bowls sounds like it could be a bit of fun, I hope you go for it, a night out with the girls.

It was very hard in the beginning learning to live alone. I was thrown into it really. Spent the first two years mostly in a psych ward. They found me a housing flat at the time as I had no where to live. Now it's peaceful, and yes, I can do my own thing for the first time in my life, it's good. My husband was abusive and controlling, so I had no friends while with him, just his friends. Everything was about him and I just let it happen. I blame myself, but I didn't have a voice, just starting to find one now, better late than never though. Ive always been exceptionally quiet and introverted. I notice a lot but never expressed it. I had to be an observer to survive my childhood, otherwise I wouldn't be here today. Like you, my mother would be jailed today and should have been.

I too hope we stay connected, I enjoy our conversations, we get each other.

I have two girls on my knee at the moment, lucky me. Whatever you do tonight, I hope you enjoy it. Take care dear lady, you are a treasure.

Hi @Former-Member

I have spent the last few days with a sort of virus and the weather has been atrocious and I really did not feel as if I was able to write anything useful here and felt it would bring me down further to read without writing so I have missed out on a lot

Now it's cold but wonderfully sunny and I feel better so I am here now hoping you don't feel as worthless and hopeless as the first post I read - which was a few days back - it's terrible to feel so lost and lack value to people

You are valued though - people here value you - I value you - I know you are struggling a lot - feeling agoraphobic and needing to push yourself to feel better in your works-in-progess state

btw - I am sure we are all in a works-in-progess state - all at different stages - I wish the best for you - making yourself do it - whatever it takes - not fun at all

Your daughter disresprecting your house is another matter - that is not on - no matter how old she is - and this would cause trouble in the household no matter what -

How old is she? - is she old enough to get herself a life out in the world where she can live her life in whatever chaos she chooses? - eg - can you set her up in a flat with the bond and first months rent - stock her larder and then tell her it's a case of her working or getting unemployment and living with her choices? - telling her and sticking to it that this is all you will do for her - if she comes whining home tell her this was the choice -

Aw - this is so hard - I went through Tough Love with my son and it is really brutal to make these choices but if she chooses to live in a land-fill environment then let it be her land-fill environment.

That's a real toughie OTE - been there - done that - the out come was terrible - but sheesh - she can't behave like that as if there were no consequences

I loved my children more than my own life too - we had to do the Tough Love thing with our son because it was that or my mental and emotional health - there are times when to be there for other people we do have to put ourselves first

I really care about that OTE

Dec

Hi @Maggie

I can hear you battling - I understand that it is really hard to do anything when things are dark - I went through my dark patches a long time ago now but I found it really hard to do anything other than sit in a chair and cry - or stay in bed - but with my son who was so troubled I had to get my act together for him - he was so chaotic there was no peace - so yes - I get it and I understand

I have found living alone much better - my ex-h was morose and lazy - I found it impossible to live with him any longer but yes - living alone when my son had died and my daughter left home and then seperated I had my battles and spent time in a private psyche clinic too - yes - a real nightmare

Back in the past I never heard that we need to keep breathing - but somehow I must have but on really dark days I did little else - looking back it was a terrible time and I really feel for people going through this now

But what can I say - yes - I know there were days when I did absolutely nothing - then there were days when the pressure to deal with something was immense - now I hear people saying they would like to be younger again and I wonder if they have really thought about that - either thety have forgotten or their ship-of-life was never rocked so badly as those I read here - or mine

All the best Maggie

Dec

Good morning (bearly) my dearest friends @Maggie@Owlunar. Just loved reading your latest posts which I found of great support.

A warm hello to @Faith-and-Hope@Former-Member@Zoe7@Shaz@Adge and all - hoping you are enjoying the weekend.

@Maggie - I found myself thinking about what you had written in your last post throughout the night when I woke up. The first few years of living alone for you sounded horrific - this would of been so hard. I feel for you - how you lost so much and those who should of helped abandoned you. I do understand how this can shake ones faith. I had struggles this way myself. I also understand how it can make one reluctant to go back out in the world and trust again. I struggle with trust issues to this day. I usually overcome by getting to know the person and fight against the negative thoughts that assail when I am in their company but getting close is extremely difficult for me also. My husband had to keep making an effort with me before I let him close and I am so glad he did.

But I do feel you are spiritual - I can feel this and connect with that. I am the same not religious but spiritual. A believer. The two don't always have to come together.

My journey to that spiritual state was an interesting one. When very young, around 6 yrs old, my parents sent me to a private catholic school - although they were not religious ironically as my mother use to spit "it's just a crutch". But I remember one day being taught about Mary the mother of Jesus and just how loving, gentle and kind she was. This had a real impact on me as a child who was unloved and abused. I went home wishing I had such a mother. On returning home that day my mother had a bad toothache (abscess) and she couldn't talk. This went on for ages. It was the most gentle she had ever been in my eyes (she usually was verbally abusing and yelling). So in a child's innocence I saw her as the Mary figure I longed for. I went up to her with such love a d innocence in my heart and said "mum you are just like Jesus's mother Mary". To that she king hit me and I went flying backwards into the wall.

I never could conceive the existence of God after that and as the abuse continued. I was a staunch atheist for 28 yrs. I had so much anger....I was a troubled teenager and drank a lot. I had no idea of the concept of love. I never held it against anyone who did believe, it never bothered me, I just thought it was as real as the elf in the garden. That was until I reached the age of 28, - feeling empty I did some soul searching. I was ready then. Went through many different religions and ended up forming my values being quiet happy with that alone. And I do pray. I also believe in Jesus and the commandments - that's the extent of it. But I don't attend a religious organisation unless I am doing some charity work for them as I don't feel I need it. I am happy with who I am and the way I live now. I have also learnt self belief is just as important - something I really struggle with but working on.

I also experienced similar abandonment in my first marriage as you did, my children where poisoned against me and most of my blood relatives abandoned me. The grief was horrific. If not for my husband.....At that time what kept me strong and going was the love I had for my daughter who was young and innocent then . She was a model child whom I virtually lived for. A mistake. I managed to have a few happy years then. All too short. When she went astray it nearly destroyed me. Then came the breakdown - an ecumalation of all the grief /abuse over the years hit head on. I coped well up till then.

Its a lovely picture you paint there in my mind of your two fur girls on your knee - very special indeed. What do your fur babies do when you stitch?

Quoting you my friend here "Now it is peaceful and I can do my own thing for the first time in my life, which is good".

To me that is the ultimate goal. Having that peace is essential to having any type of a quality of life I believe. Essential for healing. Such a good thing you have there and you so deserve it. It is a blessing. I do know you have your dark periods as I do, but I feel we both have a better chance of dealing with them in that environment, nothing worse than having someone control and abuse to bring us right down.

Something I can't achieve but hoping with all my heart that I can when I move. Having that type of peace is my dream - I can't have it with my daughter presently and this is why I cannot heal properly (although have come along way against the odds). I can't wait to obtain that peace and finally have some chance of a normal existence. It's a wonderful thing you have there my friend, where you can be you and have a chance now to make the most of life making your own choices. I feel oppressed by the constant stress and worry but still try and utilise personal goals or I would go under.

My daughter did have plans for moving - she keeps saying she will but it does not seem to eventuate. When it comes closer to the time of us moving I will have to push the matter. My worry is the fact she is in debt. Also of her getting pregnant to this abuser she is with. I can't look after another child (my daughter is not capable of raising a child), with my husband and my own health issues it wou,d be impossible for me. I was interested to read that you have heard it many times that children bring grief. Would be interested to hear the stories of that if you have time.

I worry about the above - I feel threatened by it really, but I have to believe that somehow it will work out and that she will move out and on. She has to for my own and hubby's health. I think if this went on too long it would shorten our life. I will fight against that as I still have much to do here and I am not ready.

Yes, indoor bowls does sound like fun - I am seriously thinking of joining up when I move (it is closer). I am visiting my friend this afternoon. On Tuesday will be going back to play bingo with friends and on Thursday have my volunteer work. Hopefully this will boost me. And certainly your posts here do - thank you. I feel I know you so well. Our connection is special.

Do you have any plans for the week @Maggie? I so love our talks and look forward to many more. You are a good friend and a real inspiration. Talk soon 🤗❤️🌹xxxx

P.s. Sorry @Maggie - I have to stop writing novels lol. Thanks for your patience.