Hello @Maggie@Faith-and-Hope@Zoe7@Former-Member@NikNik
Just wanted to say a huge thank you for your invaluable support. I am still feeling fragile - I must of slept 11 hours last night.
Thank you @NikNik for your prompt post - your words really resonated with me and lifted just when I needed it. You were my eyes at that time preventing a crisis and enabled me to attend a very important dinner anniversary of one of my best friends whom would of been hurt herself if we didn't attend. I am still low but can see enough to climb out hopefully now - thank you for being there 💕
Thank you @Faith-and-Hope@Former-Member for also being there and offering to talk. I would of if for not having to attend the above stated dinner. When I first arrived I was so depressed, I had to force smiles in hope not to ruin my friends dinner. It was her night I kept telling myself. It was extremely difficult but I did it and it made her happy. As the night went on talking to others did help to distract from the distress which was good.
@Zoe7 - thank you for your friendship. What you reposted I have experienced and did so again here; - it is what brought healing from a Major mental breakdown 5 yrs ago and got me this far as without it I would not of made it;, but I have relapses where I lose sight of that and I need others to tell me of that light, of the reality. If you all here and my husband was not there to do that I would enter into a crisis situation as my perception turns inward to my overwhelming emotional pain (agony) and that takes hold leaving me blind to any other reality. And it's a feeling of hopelessness, no self worth and not seeing no point at that time. That can completely change when well. The nature of the beast. It's usually triggered by isolation, stress, worry and perceiving feeling useless (unwanted, even if that is not the reality I perceive it as such at that time - am blind).
The love and care here and from my husband was that light. So it is always there trying to get through. I do have trouble believing it sometimes and there is the battle. But I did and my mind has balanced. It did enough for me to hang on but I still have issues to work through. That light here and elsewhere is literally lifesaving. Reaching out when in such a state is a leap of faith. Otherwise the end result could be tragic. Thank you for your love ❤️
@Maggie - you are so right, depression comes in waves and as a result of past hurts. It can just spring when least expected or triggered by different things. My feelings of uselessness and being unwanted together in being too isolated this week I think triggered this episode. So I am planning more to do next week and will see how I go. Time will tell.
The dinner was extremely difficult in the beginning. I was so low and worried it would showed. I don't think it did and as the night progressed (and having a couple of wines to relax) I started to talk, laugh etc hiding how I felt and it worked. The night went well - I was concerned about spoiling it for my friend but if I had not gone she would of been hurt. So I had to attend as the latter would of been far worse a scenario. This morning (after 11 hrs) of sleep (too much) I still feel fragile and shaken but my perception is clearer. The latter makes all the difference to me as my episodes are triggered by those negative thoughts of feeling useless, unwanted, pushed aside, betrayed etc which is a result of past hurts for sure. You are spot on - and my mind tells me it is happening all over again and that is my reality. It's awful and the pain can overwhelm. I then don't see the point to life at that time - which can all change when better. It does come in waves. I have been very up and down lately probably as a result of the e dress trauma that went before.
I was sorry to read that you were also feeling like that 😢. And for you to make that effort for me to come online when depressed meant the world to me. It said to me that I am not unworthy and it was like I could breathe again. It's a heavy sadness and I need purpose in my life to strive. If I feel no one needs me, I have failed as a human being in offering others something, that will trigger an episode. The latter is what I get up for - not even my beach house can offer reprieve when I feel like that. Only others can and my sense of purpose. Not sure if that makes sense. I hope another episode does not assail for awhile as it takes so much out of me.
You are right that this suffering is what enable me to genuinely empathise - I can't stand to see others suffer same. I know of its torment. And in my eyes all have tremendous potential and worth. I could see that from a early age.
Are you feeling better now? Do you want to talk about it? We are here for you too as you are very valuable to us, to me and always will be. We also seem to suffer at similar times. I am so glad you posted as I would of worried. It's not easy what we go through but I am still hopeful that all will improve this way in time. And I will continue to push...As @NikNik said I have been under much for a long time and it has caught up mentally/physically - and she was spot on I feel. It will now take time to heal and I am hoping the move will fasten that healing. Hope all goes well with the fence erection. Let us know how it goes. The dogs won't know themselves, the will prance around happily feeling free as the wind. An awesome feeling. Sending much love and gratitude to you all ❤️xxx
I know too well how hopeless being right in the middle of that pain and despair feels - still does for most of my days and definitely nights. I am still struggling to get through each day and then feeling the crushing despair and pain that comes with the nights. I really need the support at the moment to get through these times and it really does help when I have people like you in my corner, holding my hand and walking with me - and most of all - people who understand. You are one of those people 
