-Enigma-

good morning @Former-Member i hope your day is good at your volunteer work

thank you for what youve written, its hard not to give up but am trying my best for now. im still trying to find some groups but my area doesnt seem to have a lot. i suggested to the local community centre to see about an art group and they said it sounds like a good idea and will put it to thir committtee, hopefully itll run. i can only hope that things will change soon and i can find that zest again too.

youve been through alot too and i am glad you are still here, i really like you as a friend and your are such a loveley person. your daughter despite her troubles and th crowd she hangs around with does semm nice to and you raised her well. tattoos, piercings etc dont intimidate me, i go off how they act and their character- like how they respect and treat others . i would be her friend no troubles.

my health is rather bad atm, but im working on that so i guess thats not helping all that much. just feeling off all the time and tired.

i dont live in the country so much, im borederline city and semi rural but i did live on a property once and was rather good. i dont have the same interests or the will with the horses anymore. im not the 'horse freak' i once was lost alot of interest in that too but im sure there is more to life than just horses too. i just need to find what else there is.

thank you @Former-Member let me know how you get on today, i am sure your making lots of people happy

Hi @outlander - I was really impressed about what you said about people who appear like my daughter (Tatts, piercings etc), that you are not intimidated, but look at their character and judge how they respect and treat people, not how they look. That is exactly what I am like. You are very smart and so mature for your age. I wish my daughter did have a friend like you. She is still recovering from the abusive of her last partner - it messed with her head very badly.

I can understand that you would be feeling very low being unwell physically and tired. That does the same to me if I am not fit. And then it's hard to find the energy and motivation to join in outside life. Health is very important to mood and vigour. Do you know the cause of your ill health? Are you happy with your GP and/or medical team?. Once your health is restored you will be amazed how much your outlook for life and zest for it will change. Something to strive for - I am doing the same.

Our interests can change with the years - I am glad to see that you are still searching for other interests, friends and passions. You have a lot to offer others and you can believe in yourself. No need to feel clingy - nurture your independence and people will like being around you. This is what I have discovered.

Unfortunately its true that if people lean on others "too much" they will move away (get an extra job, engage in more interests, or a new course) to move away from the person who clings as the pressure gets too much for them. I have seen it time and time again. It does not mean they don't like them but they are draining to them over time.

The more interests and purpose you find in the outside world, the more like-minded people will move towards you naturally. And when deep friendships and bonds are established, they will be also there in the really dark hard times that we all face from time to time. That's life. I just know in my heart that you find these people, interests and purpose if you keep venturing out over the years - even if it's just two or three special connections and one passion, it's enough, as it helps us to feel valued and we find where we belong. So please never give up - it has taken me many years to get where I am now, but for you it will be sooner. You are wise beyond your years.

I enjoyed my volunteer work today and had some positive feedback from customers that I have helped them more than I know. That is what keeps me going. But also had a disappointing experience with some staff (a couple of young males) who was speaking of and treating a mentally ill person with disrespect (and threats even). He was psychotic and frightening them. They were judging him as a useless drug addict (without knowing anything about him). I put my foot down there and reported it to those in power. When the mentally ill man came to into the shop they "all took off and hid". I talked to him and offer him coffee and food. He was clearly insane claiming he was the son of God and talking to "someone else". But he was harmless to what I witnessed.

To me regardless if someone self destructs or how they get to being over the edge - it's not for anyone to judge in my opinion. We don't know what they have been through. If this mentally ill homeless man was posing a threat I would of acted but he was not. So I was disappointed with their attitudes. I know I would not want to be treated that way. That left me feeling uneasy but will be dealt with by the right people, I will make sure of that. My goodness, what has happened to compassion.

I hope your day was okay. Sending a warm hug x

hi @Former-Member

no i dont judge based on looks although i know alot of people do.if i do find myself having a few thoughts i will brush them aside and remind myself that i wouldnt want to be judged and i dont know their story. the only thought i listen to more in regards to character is the danger warnings. i dont ignore those or second guess it. i dont act different im just more weary of the person. poor girl im not surprised, abusive relationships arent very nice. she has you though and im sure shes grateful even though she might not show it.

they dont know what the cause is of my internal stuff no, they suspect its a stomach ulcer so have been taking antacids like theyve been telling me to do for the past few months but ive asked about allergies as well and hoping once my hand is sorted we can work on that as well. im happy wiht my gp when it comes to the physical side of things but not mentally.

im rather indpendent and ive had to do everthing on my own but i still get nervous or scared about alot of things too. if ive done it once or twice im usuall ok but its that first step that gets me all the time. still learning lots and all the time too.

thank you for what youve said

your volunterring day sounds rather challanging today. im really glad some let you know how much you are helping them. i always try to let others know that i appreciate their help. myself and mum when i was younger and my middle sister was still a baby we struggled financially alot and had help from slavos etc for bills and supplies. not always but sometimes and i know how embarrassed some of those people would be asking for help too. its agreat thing our doing.

i will admit that challange you had today, i mightve been one of those hiding people ( not s much hiing but more stepping back, not because im juding them but because that sort of thing does tend to scare me abit more because i dont really know what to do, how to act or how to help. once ive seen someone else or watched someone else help them like you done today it wouldve been a lesson learnt for me in how to cope the next time.

thank you for sharing today, do you have any plans for tomorrow?

It's always wise to be wary of character before getting too close to someone @outlander, to watch for danger signs as you said.

Some unfortunately just don't see it and become involved in toxic relationships with others without realising it always or they get too far in too pull back easily.

And it's not just always with partners - but friendships too. An example of just that; a friend rang me this morning not knowing what to do about a close plutonic friendship she formed with another woman claiming they were like sisters. The friend suffers depression issues and she is trying to help her. She said it became a daily need for contact and reassurance by her friend. Now it's taking her away from other important things like her family, her own interests and self development.

When she goes to pull back from this friend for awhile by taking on extra hours at work, enrolling in study or doing things with her family etc, her friend threatens suicide and self harm to draw her back in. She states it through other friends so she can find out or directly to her stating "she isn't safe" and "she is lucky to be here today" to draw her back in for daily attention to her needs. Its manipulated and my friend is just starting to see this but relents stating "she needs me". It's not a real friendship - it's toxic. These are just some warning signs.. Others is when they ask for money and use a person but give nothing back.

This has been happening off and on for a long time with my friend( about a year and a half). If others (family or,other friends) pull her friend up on it she bullies them by talking bad about them and turning others off them to regain control. My friend doesn't know what to do.

Its starting to distress her as she is being manipulated in a co dependency friendship that's more about the friends needs than mutual. Her friend offers help and advice in a charming type of way to keep her in but when push comes to shove it's all about the friend's needs over hers. She will say to her when my friend has issues at times "I am not up to it at the moment - but demands daily attention from her for herself and expects it no matter what - or the threats and goodbyes start".

My friend is now starting to see this controlling behaviour but is in deep as she feels close to this person; does not know what to do. My friends family and personal needs is being neglected and her life on hold.

I advised her to ignore the threats and ring 000 for her friend if she keeps suggesting such and to back off from her and get her life back. To stop being their daily to break the co-dependency. Explaining that real friendships are not that. To attend to her family and needs and goals first now and break free of the control. It's a bit like a case of fatal attraction and really makes it hard on those who are genuinely feeling suicidal. Usually the latter won't talk about it in fear of looking weak or being a burden. But when it's used manipulatively seeking attention to control its toxic. What a situation!, and it's not the first time by a long shot I have witnessed this. I am not sure if my friend will be strong enough to take the advise we all give her as she is in deep. Time will tell but the pressure is getting to her.

So this has been taking up a lot of my time. Also my step son, his wife and children visited yesterday which was lovely - I really enjoyed seeing them all. I just finished my cardio workout for the day and may doing some writing and more stitching. I may put up a photo of my progress soon.

How has your day been ?

wow @Former-Member thats alot for your friend to be trying to handle! some people become really desparate dont they, i really hope your friend can break free abit and the other lady can get herself some proper help too. ive been in alot of toxic relationships as in family and friends. im still in the family one but im learning with that one. ive never really had a friend- a proper one. they always bullied me or they drew me in with kindess and then turned away without a second thought. its hard sometimes to know when people are toxic till its too late.

your day sounds loveley yesterday. you seem pretty close with your family. did you do anything in particular like go to the park or out for lunch or anything?

i was doing my exercise on my old exercise bike and.. it broke. great another thing i cant afford to fix or replace atm. its been a frustrating and high anxiety sort of day and night. bloody drs dont know what is what lately

Hi @outlander

Sorry to read you had an anxious frustrated day. I can relate - it is disheartening when the doctors can't pinpoint the reason for our ills. This has been happening for my husband for years (although they have been lifesaving re his cancer etc).

When it comes to stomach ills it's hard as it can be so many causes - emotional, food, ulcers, stress, digestive disorders, med side effects, anxiety, diet etc etc. I have had friends with the same ongoing problems. They usually end up having the camera down the throat. At least they can rule out many things.....Alcohol and high sugar intake was a trigger with many of them.

I had some digestive problems (not reflux though) and have cut out sugar, salt and high fat foods completely. I don't drink alcohol or eat late evening - not much fun but it has worked. I feel good that way now. Under great stress (seeing husband suffer) I can experience stomach upset and the occasionalmrelapse, but rarely now.

Yes some people can become desperate and highly selfish (toxic). It's all about them and they never genuinely give of themselves much. Sad way to end up. I run from people like that - I like to help people but I am not codependent. I like my independence way too much and they know I will call them out and won't tolerate it. I am worried for my friend who is a good person but tries too hard to please others as her self esteem is low, and as a result ends up being in controlling relationships that don't work out. Yes, you are right, some people can't see toxic relationships until the damage is done. They can feel drained though. They make up all the excuses in the world to protect the controller/user/abuser and all are doing is enabling their bad behaviour and not helping themselves or the controller to become better people and more mentally stable. It's a lose, lose situation.

You and me, I think it's about being bitten once twice shy. Mutual respect is a must in healthy relationships for me.

We did go out for lunch with my stepson and family at the area on the sea where we are building our new home. Happy times ahead - gosh we deserve a life and now I am finally living it well. He good far outweighs the bad now. So will it for you in time outlander. I like you and feel free to talk with you and be my natural self. I hope you feel that way with me.

How has your day been?

hi @Former-Member

it is really frustrating isnt it, test after test and no closer to finding out whats wrong. thy suspect an ulcer atm but waiting waiting and monitoring. they thought about doing the camera, im not sure whats going on there yet.

im glad you were able to settle your stomch troubles, ive tried the things youve said too and didnt make a whole lot of difference but it did settle the reflux abit more as well as the tablets im on for it as well.

how is your hubby going? how are you going?

your friend sounds alot like me, i get pulled in alot before i even know it but once im out of that sort of relationship i wont go back to that person or the people that person hangs around with. sometimes its hard to tell as they start of nice, then you get closer to them and then it starts to go sour. i have toruble trusting anyone now though- both good and bad i suppose..

i try not to judge a book by its cover though. me i can come across as either really ignorant or sometimes over the top. both of them caused by my anxiety and lack of social skills. ive never had a normal relationship, and my anxiety either makes me shut down or get so nervous i dont know what to say or i start to talk fast and stutter and stumble but im learning each encounter i have.

oh your day sounded loveley, the beachside is nice, id love to live near there but im not a fan of the sand beleive it or not. i just like to watch the waves. im so glad you are able to live your life now. you deserve that happiness. i like you too, ive always liked you even before you had this name. youve helped me abit since ive been here too and welcomed me in.

my day was okish, went to the horses for siblings, and shopping then watched a movie together before taking them back home. struggling tonight though.

Hi @outlander

Thank you for thinking of me - you are such a lovely person.

I have been flat out - my husband became in a lot of pain with his neck after seeing a new physio and I think he made matters worse. And I had words with my daughter who is taking out her frustrations on me somewhat which was hurtful. But all is good there now as she just texted me saying "mom, we don't always see eye to eye but I am so thankful and grateful for you as your a great mother". That was relieving - she is starting to mature and I believe we will always be close. Just at times she is irresponsible and causes me worry. But she will learn....I would always put her happiness before my own, but will speak up when she is disrespectful. And she has improved that way.

She is starting a new full time job next week and I am so hoping it will work out for her so she can move forward. She needs the distraction away from her creepy boyfriend who uses her. I am hoping she will meet other nicer friends there who will appreciate her....always hoping 😊

It is easy to be drawn into relations with others who throw out the charm but aren't always genuine. And when becoming personally involved we can see another side. That's why I always "test the waters" and get to know a person before I allow them to get close to me. It's good that you can back off once you see that side @outlander - my daughter can't. She initially will back off but get talked back into it as she is easily controlled. But she will eventually work it out and grow stronger hopefully. One of my greatest dreams is for her to be happy, protected and loved.

Just keep being you @outlander - that caring, sincere person and friends will be made. It is harder now with all the technology taking people away from face to face interactions making it harder to meet others - as we have to get out there among people, groups etc to make the real friendships happen. Not as easy but very possible. I try and look after myself so I have the energy to keep putting myself out there. I also like my own company a lot - a balance is nice.

You can request to have that camera down the throat @outlander if you wish - it will get you some more conclusive results on your digestive issues - it will detect an ulcer if you have one. Sounds very overwhelming for you at the moment. Makes everything harder when we are unwell so I hope everything sorts out for you soon this way. Thinking of you xx 😘