Heart sinking

sorry @outlander @-karma- @Former-Member an argument broke out in my family and I had to quicky shoot off 😞 I haven't really been given as much freedom lately.

Just doing so awful at the moment. So So So awful.

Self-discipline – that is how I am going to start this. When you have that overwhelming urge to cry but you can’t, so you have to suck it up. Just suck it up.

Sometimes I think I have gone through what I have in order to grow up. In order to find understanding and to be able to have that connection that not many people have. Somebody who is whole will never – ever – get on the same level as someone who is completely broken, completely shattered. I need help and it is not that I want attention or that I want people to feel sorry for me. I don’t – the last thing I need is anyone’s sympathy. It is in human nature to need things, you know? I think I have experienced what I have to have that understanding. I am not just some bright soul in the world, who has had a perfect life and has had my family by my side. I have nothing that fulfils me and makes me want to get out of bed in the morning or that makes me happy. Instead – I can have that connection to people that have nothing, who have lost everything and who are broken. I have gone through what I have gone through thus far so that I can experience real pain – to help people not just at an understanding level but an emotional, empathetic level. In a way that isn’t fake. I am not just so happy that I want to help others. I am so broken that I never want anyone else to ever experience what I have experienced and to not have the proper skills, knowledge and support. I am not handling this and I just don’t want someone else to die over it or to get addicted to drugs or alcohol. I don’t care if my life goes, I just want to have that legacy that you don’t need to have this life.

Life is not easy. We are so distracted by social media, money, fame, fancy cars, the pretty girls, the models, the baddies. All of this stupid stuff that is distracting a lot of our generation, our world. In reality it is as hard as shit and we cry a lot. It is not like heaven on Earth. I would believe that we are closer to hell. It is what it is.

The images we see of nature on Earth are beautiful. It is so ironic. It isn’t just a beautiful picture. The death, the poverty, the murders, the assassinations, the depression, the cancer, the sickness. Everything that happens on Earth is horrid and disturbing and sad and depressing. That it just gets so hard to see anything positive to come out of it. I used to think that everything happens for a reason, then things come out of the blue and it catches me off guard. And I think, woah, what could possibly be the reason behind this. I just cannot grasp any understanding. My life is completely different now then it used to be when I was 11 and I thought that I would graduate easily, that everything I fought hard for- I would get recognition for and awarded for and things would get handed to me on a plate. That is not even close to reality.

I don’t know what I am trying to get at but this place is hard. It was meant to be hard and a place where we struggle. I know people say that they feel happiness, but I truly believe that true happiness cannot be found here because that isn’t what Earth is capable of. It isn’t what it is here for. It is a challenge and hardship. All you need is a body to survive here, you don’t need a soul to survive. i truly believe it is our souls being challenged. <br><br>I will leave it here. 🌟