Struggling to Survive

The only good thing about being awake at this time of day is that no-one else is around to share in my despair

For hours tonight I was not only keeping my head above water but was actually able to breath. I was not at all tired despite having gone through a pretty traumatic day. I did fear what would happen when it all finally 'hit' me - and it did with full force! I knew it would have to come because I was 'dealing with it' so well! In reality I was shutting it out because it was all too hard to handle. I did try to lay down to at least rest but even closing my eyes briefly began the tidal wave! Now I am in the middle of memories flooding back alongside the feelings of hopelessness I felt yesterday afternoon. I feel so sick, so cold yet sweating, so totally exposed and vulnerable, and so very, very alone.

I cannot convey here how traumatic the day was for me nor why - that is not only too hard for me but not anything anyone needs to hear. I am now finding myself falling so far back into the darkness that I don't even want to try and find a way out as that would mean I would have to try to deal with 'things' I do not want to be in my conscious mind. I described part of my life earlier tonight as being like a 'horror story' - that 'story' has now become so very real again and I don't know if I can put this one back in 'the box'. My greatest fear around yesterday has eventuated and the feelings from the past have become also the present. This is not as 'simple' as flashbacks - this is a feeling of new trauma on top of old trauma on top of old trauma.... I can't deal with this - it is simply too much - all I have is tears to know I am still alive - but so wishing I wasn't!!!

I understand in a different way @Zoe7, through my own traumas which continually haunt me,the extreme levels of depression and anxiety I've had,with the tidal wave of hopelessness.Hope you get some rest today my friend.🌼

Really struggling to keep it together this afternoon. I know 'everything' is amplified by the decrease with my meds to change over but that is not helping how I am feeling. Tried to get some more rest but too much in my head and stupid flashbacks again. I just want some peace! Every little thing becomes so much bigger and I can't handle it. Tuesday is on repeat in my head and the past is intersecting with it! I am living in the nightmare again and it isn't even night yet - I am really concerned about how the next few hours are going to unfold as the darkness descends - I wish I could sleep and not have to deal with it!

Hi @Zoe7

It's good to hear you identify that things are feeling amplified with the change of meds happening. It is going to take time, and sounds like theres stepping stones in that process too.

Try and be as gentle as you can with yourself please 🙂 I hope you can find some ways to help support yourself through the evening. Any ideas on how you will do that?

Want to play a quick riddle game with me before I finish for today...... What can run but can't walk?

Hey @Former-Member You are most likely finishing up and won't see this today. I don't know what I am going to do tonight - that is a little too far off to even contemplate right now - just getting therough a minute at a time.

Your riddle - 'what can run but can't walk' - is it water/a tap?

Your so clever! You got it in one. Water 🙂

I am walking out for the night now, but you are in safe hands here with the community.

Minute by minute it is. Take care

Hey @Zoe7,

Sorry to hear that you're having a tough time. @Former-Member has gone home but I am around for chats if you need.

Sitting by your side @Zoe7 💞