Struggling to Survive

@Maggie @Phoenix_Rising One of the worst things about all of this is that I used to do so much - very active, loved my job (well the teaching part of it with the kids anyway), did so much extra stuff a outside of work with some of the kids, particiapted (with the kids) in various activities and did alot around my home - renovating, gardening, art etc. Now - nothing. I don't know anymore what is worse - the physcial inability to even function or the mental trauma to deal with. I feel like my life is a constant nightmare - and as soon as one nightmare seems to lessen another one takes over. I do not know how or why I have had so much trauma in my life - why me is the natural question - but I really do not have any answers! I know I am a good person - I go out of my way to help others (sometimes at the expense of doing what I would like to do myself) but the reward of knowing someone else is in a better position because of my actions is enough to mitigate that. I deeply care about every individual child I teach - I have so many kids I have taught over the years come to visit me regularly when I am at school - and so many that come up to me when they see me outside of school. I know I am well respected by not only the kids but their parents also and I treat themall with respect also. I am intelligent but do not put myself above any other individual in this respect as I believe everyone has their own place and knowledge that can be an asset to society. I am very compassionate when it comes to listening and helping others and I truly care about getting to know - and get the best out of - all my students no matter what their level of knowledge or learning style. But none of this matters if all I want for myself is to not exist at all. I honestly do not know why I survived all those years ago and I will never wish anymore than it would have been better if I hadn't. I don;t believe in myself at all and never have. I know this is learned behaviour over my whole lifetime but the more I try to be positive and change this it seems the more I am let down, hurt, abuse or dismissed yet again. Sometimes a life just isn't worth living - and that is the category that I believe I fit into. It does take courage and strength to get through this thing we call 'life' and I am afraid that the well has run dry for me.

@Sans911 above post for you also - maybe better place to respond than Am Not Coping thread - hope you don't mind!

@Zoe7 I hear you, I truly do, and relate to so much you write, but as for answers, I just don't have any. Why did we survive, why can we meet the needs of everyone else but not our own, no answers. All I can honestly say is. YOU. MATTER. I hate the pain you are in and wish I could do something. Anything. But all I can do is respond from my own brokenness. A warm hug.

I tried to tell my GP today what nights are really like but as usual I couldn't get any words out. I did tell her that our conversation on Wednesday had been a huge trigger but then I left it at that! I just can't verbalise what I go through and the impact some things have on me - it is as if my voice is being taken away both metaphorically and physically. My whole body 'shuts down' and nothing comes out! I know this is a coping mechanism - and has been for a long time - but how am I to ever consider moving forward if I can't 'move out of' the past!

This is how a typical day transpires: Early morning I have my meds and feed my babies. Then I sit for a couple of hours until I (hopefully) can lay down and rest my eyes. The meds make me really sleepy arounf 11am then by midday I have my second round for the day. On days that I don't see my GP I rarely venture from the couch - too tired, too sick, can't do and don't care. The afternoons are pretty much the same as the mornings but with a little added fear and anxiety thrown in. 5pm - feed babies again and meds. Then the fun really starts!!!!

With the dark comes the heightened awareness of every little sound and an escalation of my anxiety and fears to a greater level. There are triggers everywhere - the wind, the dark, music, tv, just being alive! The night meds do not seem to be working anymore. If I start to feel tired and lie down as soon as I close my eyes I am overwrought with flashbacks - both visually and physically. I feel the kind of pain within that is hard to describe - I know where it is coming from and why but that does not stop it happening. I can't breathe, I can't move and the pain shoots throughout my body continuously. That is the end of any attempt to sleep and I end up in the corner of the room - trying to hide myself from the world. Eventually I will make it to the couch or bed and sleep - the the nightmares come. They are the kind of nightmares that leave me wondering what was a dream and what was real - and every night I am taken back to a place of no escape and no way out! Reality certainly becomes arbitrary as I try to decipher the real from the imagined and the present from the past.

Over the last couple of months there have been multiple 'incidents' of past trauma intertwining with each other as I sleep - this has resulted in a whole new level of fear of sleeping and a greater risk for my own safety. If not being able to breathe is not enough - I also feel so hopeless, so scared, in so much pain - that ending it all is high on the agenda.

I know that others will say that this cannot last forever or that there is a way out of all this pain - but honestly - my reality as I sit here tonight is one that I don't want to live. Will tonight be the night that this all ends - one way or another - I don't know. What I do know is that no matter what other people say, what advice/support they can offer - I am in such a dark and painful place that the only thing I believe at the moment is that this will never stop unless I can no longer think or feel at all - and that is just one more thing to be scared of!!!!

@Zoe7 That's a bloody hard place to be in. I ask why, but have no answers. I do understand your need to end it all, anyone can hear the pain, but I hope some light, peace or easing of pain comes before you are driven to that decision. We are hanging on, even though you don't want us to right now.

@Zoe7 I hate that you are going through this. I do believe that with the right support things can get better. However I also recognise that this almost certainly sounds totally empty and meaningless right now. I feel frustrated on your behalf that this has been going on for so long and seems to be getting worse instead of better. I super wish I had an answer for you. But alas I don't, so I will just sit with you and you can know that you are not alone.

My 'situation'is far more complicsted thsn just letting one person 'win'! @debbie1972

My physical condition does not allow me to do anything - I can't move properly, everything aches when I walk even a short distance, I can't hold anything for longer than a couple of minutes without my arms/hands giving way. I have been continually fatigued and ill since having Influenza A and B last year and being rushed to hospital. I have re-curing sore/inflamed throat, headaches, nauseau, body aches, severe stomach pain, IBS, ear infections, asthma and dizziness - and they are just my physical ailments. My immune system is so weakened that simply being out in the cold air for only a few minutes causing some of these symptomsto worsen over night. Suffice to say - any bug or illness going around I seem to get.

The emotional toll my continued illnesses are tsking on me are further feeding my mental fragiility. The trauma that I am dealing with is coplicated and spread out over more than 20 years. It began as regular sexual abuse by two 'boys', then physical abuse from my father. And if that wasn't enough I endured nearly 9 years of physical, emotional and sexusl abuse by my partner - to the extent thst he nesrly ended my life one morning. I so wish every single dsy thst he had 'finished' the job. I have enormous fears around sleeping as it was in the early hours of the morning thst I awoke being abuse and not being able to breathe. I have lived in constant fewar ever since and have constant flashbacks and nightmares around all these ;events;'

The most annoting thing for me is that I used to be so physically active and not I can't even walk more than a few hundred metres before my legs (and body) ache. I love painting but can't presently hold a paintbursh for long enough to pain.

So, you see, my life is very complicated and my soleobjective at present is focussed on getting through the day (and night)

It is nice to see you arrange and welcome to the forum. Also thsnkyou for sharing apart of yourself and writing such a pweaonL ns considered post.

I believe what will be will be - and if that means that I cese to 'exist' in the near future then so be it!

Hi @Zoe7,

I have just read your post and feel very moved by your story of pain and struggle. You have just had so much to deal with in life.

We all greatly value you as a forum member and the wisdom and support that you share with us every day on the forums. It's wisdom born of pain. Never underestimate the positive impact you have on others here.

You are offline now, and hopefully finding some distraction or rest tonight. Check in with us again tomorrow. Hope it is a better day. Feel free to email the moderators for specific support at any time.

warm wishes,

Frog