Struggling to Survive

Thanks @Phoenix_Rising - I am pretty much at the same stage just haven't gone that far yet - not sure if that will send me over the edge or keep me teetering tonight - I suppose only time (and whatever transpires later tonight) will tell. Maybe the teddies (and a little turtle) will keep me safe

Thanks @Phoenix_Rising - that means alot Sleep well little turtle x

Alot has happened today and I am very much doubting what the future holds for me - if anything!

I had my GP appointment and the conversation was going remarkable well. I discussed how I have been doing at night and the continued fatigue, pain, aches and general mood. Then we started chatting about general things until I was triggered by something that was said. She didn't even know this had happpened. I think I mananged to hide what I was feeling as I confirmed the next appointment and left.

The consequence has been that all afternoon (and night so far) I have been playing things over and over in my mind. I am seriously considering what any life from this point may/could look like for me and the sad reality is I really don't see any positives or any way forward that does not continue to hold a lifetime of pain and hurt. I do not trust people, I do not like being around people, I cannot stop the flashbacks, nightmares and debilitating emotions and feelings, and I do not feel like my life has any meaning at all. I can say all this with a clear mind tonight and not as a reaction to triggers from earlier.

I have no definite plans but there is in the back of my mind that a conclusion to all this needs to come sooner rather than later and that the obvious direction for me to take is one that will end all this pain permanently. I have been 'living' in what I see as a completely hopeless and worthless life for far too long now and I honestly do not see any of this changing either in the short or long term.

When is enough - enough? I believe what will be will be - and I am not going to fight whatever comes because I simply need peace - in whatever form that takes!

Hi zoe7 sorry to hear about the pain you are feeling, It is is important that you feel supported and know that there is a life out there for you. Perhaps it is worth contacting your doctor tomorrow and letting them know what came up for you in the appointmnet. If things get worse for you tonight, please contact lifeline or the emergency services, you are important.

@Zoe7 I'm hearing you loud and clear. Just reminding you we are hanging on to you, even when you can't.

Good to know you are around @Zoe7. Warm thoughts

@Maggie I am still here Maggie but it has been a very close call a few times over the last week or so. Yesterday afternoon and last night were extremely difficult and I think I made it through with luck. I have slept on and off all day today until late this afternoon - lots of meds to try and stay asleep - only way I could get through. I really didn't care if I hadn't woken up at all - certainly not what anyone wants to hear but it is what it is! I know tonight is going to be a long night - having slept most of today will not help tonight but if I hadn't had some sleep than the consequence for tonight may have been serious. Now I just need to get through tonight but feeling so sick again I don't know if I will. You know how long this has been going on and how hard it is and I honestly do not know if I have enough strength to continue to do this. If I was not so physically unwell then maybe - but I keep getting so sick and so fatigued that it is totally debilitating. What will be will be!

If you can get it out, talk it out. You are doing well, you are doing your best. No one can expect any more from you. Believe me I know what you are going through. I know circumstances differ, but pain, well it's just that pain, and it hurts like hell, it is hell. You are in my thoughts, and the thoughts of many others here. We are holding on to you @Zoe7 we won't let go. A hug.

I'm glad you were able to get some sleep today @Zoe7 although I know that means it will be a very long night for you. I so very badly wish things could improve for you. It is simply not fair that you have to deal with so much.