Caring for a wife with Borderline Personality Disorder- Sequel to Diary of wife’s hospital stay - holding it together for our family.

Hey @Determined - hoping for you that this is just a bit of a roadblock that you can detour around. Is it possible for you to get one of those pill dispenser things with the days of the week on it so you can see whether the meds have been taken or would your Darling be clued up and suspicious?

You did the right thing by walking away and not adding fuel to the fire. With your MIL on the alert, you'll have peace of mind to go about and do the things you need to and want to.

With the impending change of routine, some anxiety would be creeping in. I reckon it's a good idea for you to spend more time at the uni, working in those new roles and studying. You need to look after yourself and growing resentment isn't going to do either of you any good. Your Darling needs to respect that it's not all about her and you have needs too.

Hi all...

So our down hill slide that I was worried my darling was on seems to have halted for the moment. She has had contact from a friend she thought had forgotten about her and been out for a bike ride with that friend giving her a much needed boost. Just comes down again to fear of abandonment again. Sulking because she has no friends.

Just too bad she cant see what is in front of her nose and find strength and comfort in that. (Aka me 😔) unfortunately I am still very much at arms length, not even able to hold hands at the moment. Things are ok between us as long as I don't express any affection or expect any in return.

I'm holding my breath to see how things go next week when I am back to work and uni. I don't have sufficient strength at the moment to deal with work and emotional turmoil at home. It will be interesting to see how the new no contact rule goes.

And just in case things were not complicated enough I am more than a little concerned about her weight obsession at the moment. She has lost a lot of weight over the last 18 months, firstly through cycling bringing her to a healthy weight, but more this year as when she was unwell she was not eating.

At the moment she is constantly complaining about being fat. When she looks in the mirror all she can see is fat. In reality there is not a bit of fat on her, you can actually see her ribs she is so thin. I would not say she was unhealthy thin but if she looses much more weight it may become that way.

Waiting to see what transpires.

Sorry to hear that your Darling is not engaging with you on an intimate level @Determined. Shutting someone out like that can be interpreted as a form of passive aggressiveness. Could she be blaming you for her recent hospitalisation or using you as a scapegoat for anything that is wrong in her world?

Different circumstances but I used that aloofness as a shield against hurt with my ex husband. I would hope for a closeness and make strenuous efforts to engage by organising special dinners and weekends away but received nothing back. I suspected that he was seeking attention elsewhere especially when I saw some very suggestive messages on his phone. Once I questioned him about them as one flashed up when his phone was on the table in front of us but he shut me down saying it was a case of wrong number. So I eventually taught myself to care less.

From what I see, you still have a lot of affection and care deeply for your Darling. Is couples counselling an option? Have you discussed your concern about your relationship with her?

About the weight loss, this may be something she has control of in a world where other things are not so manageable. Keep an eye on it. You don't want to be discouraging her exercising efforts as it has a positive effect on physical health as well as mood.

Too much exercise can affect mood adversely .... but it seems that you would need the doctors to verify that and set an exercise boundary for her .... seen as coming from them, not you.

Morning @Determined @soul .... 💕

I guess like with a lot of things in life, it's a matter of finding that healthy balance @Faith-and-Hope@Determined

@soul @soul @Former-Member

Intimacy has been lacking for our entire marriage. At the moment it is just harder to deal with as she gets so angry about it. A simple hug or hold of hands goes a long way. At the moment I cant even look at her without her going off then it all gets put back on to me. Went to give her a hug this afternoon and copped a spray, so I went out for a longish walk. When I got back she kept asking why I was upset with her. If I try and be affectionate I am in trouble, if I withdraw I am in more trouble, there is absolutely no middle ground.

My darling has an appointment with the gp tomorrow to arrange a referral for couples counselling @soul. Cant help but be suspicious about her motives though. She explained her motives to me when she arranged the appointment but has made absolutely no effort to start a conversation in the meantime.

Any time I try and start a conversation around working on our relationship I get shut down and made to feel like I am attacking her feeling more resentful about the situation. Wil be interesting to see what tomorrow brings but I am not holding my breath .

If lack of intimacy is a long standing problem, that's going to be a tough one. Can you remember what attracted the two of you to each other in the first place? How about romance? What do you enjoy doing together? Perhaps the couples therapy will help @Determined. I hope it goes ahead.

Seems like working on communication will be a big issue. You appear to be able to express yourself very well whilst writing in these threads. I guess the problem lies with talking to your Darling in real life and expecting engagement that is a response and not a reaction.