Caring for a wife with Borderline Personality Disorder- Sequel to Diary of wife’s hospital stay - holding it together for our family.

I hope that all makes sense,

I tried putting the quotes into dot points but didn't want to change the context of what what was being said.

Also I want to point out that these are things that are relevant to me/ my family and don't mean any offense to anyone reading. It has taken me a long time to accept some of these things so understand some may not agree. My intention is to share things relevant to me and my family so that this may assist others in similar situations. Hope it helps.

@Determined, that's a really interesting point that Schreiber makes about how it's easier for the non BPD person to change. Not that the BPD shouldn't be making any effort but to maintain any sort of healthy relationship, I see that the non BPD Is better placed to be able to do so.

I especially found the subject about nonpassivity to be intriguing. With regards to boundary setting, I suppose it's a matter of striking a balance between being seen as settting guidelines that are beneficial for the both of you rather than bossing your Darling around. The latter would not go down well and may even produce a backlash.

So is the author saying that if you maintain a passive stance, you aren't doing yourself or your partner any favours? I guess it comes down to what you deem being passive is. Does it mean that you are calm and non reactive or is it that you agree with everything your BPD partner says and back down when challenged?

It does take two to argue so I would have thought a passive demeanour would be preferable in that situation. Maybe your Darling is attempting to provoke you (I think you alluded to this the other day) Why? Who knows?

Good luck with walking that tightrope.

@soul

I interpreted being passive as not having any boundaries or any expectations of respect. ie giving in to what ever my darling demands in order to avoid conflict.

This assumption is however based on my relationship and how I have dealt with conflict. The alternative is the implementation of firm boundaries around 'acceptable behaviour' as you would with a young child. (I struggle with the child analogy but in the right context can accept it).

I think rather than bossing my darling around or telling her what to do my response needs to be simply ignore unacceptable behaviour. (We have already had the discussion around what is and isn't acceptable I don't plan on going over it again and again) does that make sense?

For example last night when we had a melt down and spoiling for a fight (she had something hurtful to say about me /something I had done and I basically responded what do you expect because of x) which resulted in an angry tirade about how selfish and nasty I was.... my response was simply I'm not talking about this now, leave me alone until you can talk without yelling and swearing at me. What you said to me before was hurtful and my response was perfectly reasonable.

She actually apologised after an hour or more of ignoring me. Previously I would have tried to reason with her and finished up backing down and apologising when I had done nothing wrong . Things did not escalate as much as they may have based on past experience.

Sad to say but some of this process is a little easier as I have reached a point where I just dont care any more. Completly over the emotional abuse. That s not saying I dont care about my darling, i do and I remain 100% committed to supporting her, i just dont have the energy to go on apeasing her at the expense of my own health (or the childrens)

Having her tell me I was selfish and all a I cared about was my stupid university studies when she came home from hospital was a turning point for me . It demonstrated a complate of care or insight or both as to how much supporting her was actualy costing me and my health. No regrets for anything I did for her during that time but to have it thrown back in my face realy cut ... a lot... If she ever goes back for another stay I will be visiting on weekends only,

My old approach .. working on fixing this

I can see that instigating these boundaries is as much for your own benefit as it is for your Darling's. Glad that you have had some success so far. The allowances you made in an attempt to keep the peace haven't done you any favours in the past and probably been the cause of some resentment. Perfectly understandable.

It's reasonable for you to only want to discuss things when the both of you are calm and respectful to each other. Getting that apology must have come as quite a surprise.

A lot has been written about the "black and white thinking" that a BPD does. Perhaps your Darling saw the importance you placed on your uni work and thought that was then all you cared about? She couldn't see at that time that there were many demands on your attention, uni being one of the more pressing ones.

By turning down your sensitivity to how she reacts, you are in turn protecting yourself from emotional harm. When you cannot influence her behaviour, you can at least change how you respond to it @Determined

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope have ben told about that book. Got the ebook version at the start of this year but it was too hard to read and have not got around to getting the hard copy. Was given s store credit where i got the ebook from so probably should use it.

@soul, yes unfortunately I have recognised that I have built up a lot of resentment over time. It feels as though I have given up so much with very little in return. 😔One of the key things I have learned is that I need to modify my own behaviour and how I respond to things. A learning process for both of us.

Hey @Former-Member - two things I wish I had - the time machine and the crystal ball. Would have saved a lot of stress.

Maybe I should be telling my kids to get background checks if they are in serious relationships. I suppose all I can do is to ask a few subtle questions about their partner and the family and make sure I meet them as often as I can. That's no guarantee of happiness but may go some way in giving me peace of mind. I sure made a lot of mistakes but as you said - one cannot change the past.

If you had been more involved with Mr Darcy's family and knew what was ahead, might you have had second thoughts about the relationship?

No insult intended but just as a parent wouldn't wish a physical disability onto their child, I wouldn't want my children to have a debilitating MI or to be with someone who has one as I know how hard that can be, speaking from experience. However if they are in that situation and choose to be, I would want them to get the very best of help to handle it.

I am constantly in awe of the carers on this forum who have to deal with so much pressure from their loved one's behaviours and yet just keep going.