Caring for a wife with Borderline Personality Disorder- Sequel to Diary of wife’s hospital stay - holding it together for our family.

@Determined - your devotion to your Darling and your family has never been in doubt. We know that you only have everyone's best interests at heart and including your own is in no way selfish - it's smart.

Identifying my own barriers and relationship barriers to implimenting boundaries...

This is something that I have reflecting on over a number of years but simply accepted as it seemed too hard to change. With the value of hindsight this issue could have been addressed early in our relationship and potentially we could have built a more healthy relationship.

As a foundational complicating issue to managing my darlings bpd behaviour (through boundaries) is our relationship role modeling through our parents - both sides. (And I mean no disrespect to our parents, I especially have a good relationship with my inlaws). Even through their shortcomings they still modeled love and commitment, probably a key reason my darling and I are still together.

For me growing up my mum was always (and in a lot of ways still is) emotionally unstable and dad until the day he died was walking on eggshells and grovelling to keep mum happy. (This he did out of love not fear). So basically mum ruled through emotional blackmail.

Because my darlings dad worked away alot mum made all the decisions and dad basically did what he was told when he was at home out of consistency. The family joke it that mum sold his favourite car (his baby) while he was away 'because he wasn't using it it anyway'

So the foundation for what we each thought was normal was for me to 'grovel and kiss' (out of love) to keep my darling happy... and for my darling was for me to 'do as i was told' and for her to do whatever she pleased and for me to simply accept that. I responded by giving my darling what ever she wanted and hiding at work.

(Continues)

I often wondered if I was overstating things in my mind about what had formed my response process (even wondered if it was some form of subconscious cop out) but recently read an article around implimenting boundaries in a bpd relationship, one section in particular was relevant to me.

"If Mother was ferocious/volatile, and you saw a hardworking dad who tried to satisfy her every whim and desire, you accepted and integrated that males are to be manipulated/controlled by a partner who always gets her way--and you're programmed to keep giving, when precious little is returned" (Schreiber 2004).

I mention this as a form of acknowledging that I also need to modify my own behaviour, the key to achieving that is understanding the foundation for that behaviour. For me it was normal to be ruled by emotional blackmail. Unfortunately at this late stage we now have 18 years of bad habits to break.

I have reflected however over the years that even though growing up I had decided I did not want to marry any one remotely like my mum (and I do love my mum), somehow I managed to marry her 'evil twin' (I use that term in an attempt at humor and identifying the likness between the two) I think one reason they have never got along is that they are soooo much alike.

We are fortunate that we do not have baggage from previous relationships to hinder us. We married young and it was our first relationship for each of us and we followed a traditional courtship, engagement, marriage process only living together after marriage.

(to be continued)

I found it interesting to read the background of you and your Darling @Determined. I have also often wondered what influence our own upbringing and home environment has on our relationships.

My parents' marriage was almost what you could call an arranged liaison. I never witnessed much affection between them. They rarely argued all that much but Dad suffered from PTSD because of the war and this caused some depression. He worked a lot, Mum brought up the four children. They stayed together and lived pretty much as strangers under the same roof. When my marriage disintegrated (husband appeased his midlife crisis by taking up with a teenage girl and impregnating her) Mum advised me to stay because "Who would want someone with a couple of children?" The remark hurt at the time but I guess she was looking at things from her perspective. As it turned out, my ex-husband's father also had an affair and a child whilst still married so I guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

My father confided in me that he was in love with another girl before he met my mother but because of circumstances at the time, felt he had nothing to offer her so he didn't pursue the relationship. He was all about duty and providing for his family rarely thinking about himself. So I definitely didn't marry his clone. My ex is a narcissist to the nth degree.

I also consider parenting styles and whether they are adopted by following generations. It was common place for fathers to have little involvement in their children's upbringing. This was certainly the case with me. I don't recall my mother ever just playing with us kids either. In contrast, I was a very hands on mother taking time off work until the kids went to school and being there for every sporting match and musical performance. Their father, however, could never connect with them. One of my brothers has four kids of his own and is very involved with them; the other brother has no children.

I wonder what impression my marriage and recent relationship has or will have on my children and whether it will affect the way they relate to their partners. I have spoken to them that what they have seen is dysfunctional and hope that they make better choices than I did. Thankfully my daughter saw the light with her first boyfriend and decided to call it quits. I probably don't give them enough credit to make sound judgements. I think they have better self esteem than I do. But that's a whole other story.

So we can imitate the "bad" habits of our parents because that is what we have come to know or we can see them for what they are and choose to act differently. As for breaking existing unhealthy patterns of behaviour, especially long standing ones, that takes a huge amount of effort and commitment.

I also wonder about the affect of relationship with children @soul, there are things I vowed I would never do that I now find myself doing with my children. Basically when under pressure default to learned behaviour. I am aware of this now though so am able to address it .

I also have a hard time connecting and doing 'fun stuff' with our children as my only memories are of working with my dad, handful of fun memories from when I was young but mostly working and nothing being good enough. Something as simple as kicking a ball with them is a big effort for me and it bothers me.

By my perception dad seemed to push me more than any of my siblings... (Even though I am now aware he was very proud of me and my achievements) problem is he told everyone else except me 😞 have been told this is because he had more confidence in me and wanted me to better than what he had achieved. Trying hard to learn how to connect on a level that is meaningful to our boys to avoid this.

Re how our children (currently) see our relationship,

S1 thinks everything is my fault, ask him why that is, ' mummy used to tell me she is sad because you are mean and nasty to her' seems she was telling him this since he was old enough to ask 'why are you sad' (I believe this because I have heard her telling her friends the same crap over the phone).

S2 is anxiously waiting for the day when I 'get sick of mummy and send her away' (he actually told me that) he can at least see that her behaviour is unacceptable. Interesting thing about that is that he is a mummys boy and can still see she is not right.

Boundaries with children is also an issue because everything I say is overruled because darling doesn't want conflict so gives them whatever they want, then it is a mystery they do not respect me. We are making some progress in this area however.

I just trust that children are still young enough that with some positive changes in the near future they can still and learn a healthy functioning relationship.

Bit off track here with respect to the intention of the thread but it is relevant in that it defines my personality, something that forms the basis of how I interact in family relationships.

Just almost completed a lengthy post around the importance of boundaries and their implementation and lost it all. Stupid android. Contained multiple quotes from a rather helpful article. Will have another go tomorrow using the computer. If something incomplete and incoherent pops up over night that is why. 😉

Going to be needing some of those boundaries tonight I fear, I am sensing the beginnings of a significant meltdown. Really hope I am wrong.

Thanks @NikNik, no luck with the tablet, will have a look on the laptop in the morning.

Yeah @Determined - we want the best for our children and often that means we want them to have better experiences and opportunities than we did. In my situation, I want them to be happy in their general demeanour, in their careers and in their relationships. We don't want them to make the same mistakes we made but if they do falter, to have the resilience to get back up.

I am doing my best not to interfere too much, just throwing the occasional general comment around.

It must be very disheartening for you to hear those words from your older sons. Hopefully with a bit of maturity they will have a more balanced outlook at the relationships within their family. What is also difficult is managing their behaviour if your Darling isn't on the same page as you in that regard.

I can sense that you have developed a newfound awareness of how better to deal with the situation you are in so that outcomes for everyone are improved. Now to move that on to the next stage by implementing those strategies that you have outlined.

Perhaps writing this thread has helped you to clarify the thoughts you have. Isn't technology wonderful when it works?

Managed to find the post I lost last night... it did autosave thankfully.. thanks @NikNik for the tip 😉

Some more thoughts from (Schreiber 2004) re dealing with 'borderlines' that in some way relate to me. These are things that I relate to and are helping me to form some direction regarding implementing the new boundaries, basically gives me some confidence that I am not being mean but helping my darling and our family have a better life.

Schreiber states...

"there is one inalienable truth you'll have to accept before proceeding: It is You who must be willing/able to change (not your Borderline) ... ... ... This task falls to you, because it's simpler for you to learn tools and strategies to navigate this course, than for your BPD partner to acquire enough emotional development to alter this painful, chaotic dynamic you share"

"This isn't some magical fix, so the two of you can sail happily off into the sunset together ... ... ... It's a way to reduce some of the turmoil, drama and stress you've experienced..."

"First and foremost, you must understand that passivity is unhelpful in any relationship with a Borderline" "Quite simply, they need firm limits and boundaries set for them ... ... ... In short, you must gain control over your BPD relationship! To continue believing that you don't, just invites and promotes more chaos"

This next bit definitely applies to me...

"Nearly every male who's seeking help to navigate these relational dynamics, thinks that passivity is the antidote for their BPD partner's volatility. The kinder or nicer they are, the more their Borderline accuses them of neglect or selfishness, and rejects them"

Since coming home from hospital my darling has constantly accused me of being selfish and not caring about her (aparently all I care about is myself) and even tonight 'blaming her for everything' In the last 1/2 hour reverted to the usual 'we may as well go our separate ways' or 'I may as well end things' if that talk keeps up I will be reminding her about my commitment to call an ambulance if I feel she is in danger of self harm.

Which makes the next bit from Schreiber relevant...

"You cannot control day to day or week to week whether a Borderline loves you or hates you (that's about their life-long inner pain and turmoil, which has nothing whatsoever to do with You!)... (at the moment it seems she hates me 😔)

"but you absolutely must command their respect--it's the only way to teach them suitable behavior. None of this has to do with physical violence or volatility of any kind, mind you. Being assertive does not mean being abusive"

At the moment I am doing my best to disengage and ignore any negative communications especially when the children are around. I am refusing to argue any more if they are anywhere in hearing. That part is working so far.