I will tell you a bit about me.
I have been struggling since I was 12... Even though I was bullied all the way through primary school into high school. I suppose - I was an easy target because I never stand up for myself. It all started in grade 1 by grade 7 girls, they would even physically hurt me. In the end though - they got expelled.
I began SH when I was 12. I just had nobody - still don't and every day was a challenge just to show up at school. That year, I had to spend lunch times with the principal because I was that afraid of certain people in my grade. Now that is kinda sad to look back on.
My self worth grew very small over the years ; the more the days carried on, the more I actually started believing what people were saying & the more I began to hate myself. This is where the SH begun, from small on my hand to full blown SH on my legs, arms & stomach. SH was a release for me & somehow also made me still feel human.
The change from primary school to high school took quite a toll on me. After having quite the bad experience in primary, I was glad for a new start but at the same time, anxiety took the best of me. I went to a new school, which meant that many people there already knew eachother from being at the school from grades 1-7. Being the new girl was never easy. Every experience I had from my old school stood by me; the comments, the mockings & the isolation. I fell into the trap of comparing myself to everyone else & trying to fit into a certain criteria to become accepted. This is where I developed an eating disorder called Anorexia Nervosa. It was my best friend & worst enemy. However, it even took me a while before the doctors and I realised that I had it. This is when I had hit my lowest weight of 43kg. Being someone who was 5″8 at the time, this was extremely unhealthy. The comments went from being “too fat” to “too skinny” ;; I never felt as though I was enough.
After a while, people saying that I needed to gain weight got to me. I just wanted to impress everyone else, & never really did anything for myself. I no longer had Anorexia. Instead, I had days of pure starvation & other days where I would eat everything I could get my hands on. It got to the point where I was ate more than starving myself,, in which I gained 27kg ! Every time I looked in the mirror, I hated what I saw. All I could see was my weight gain, which I was in total fear of. To this day, I still struggle with over eating.
At the school, I began fading away. I lost a lot of friendships & isolated myself completely to the point where I would be by myself every lunch time & morning tea, crying. The constant panic attacks & anxiety often meant that I was hardly in class. Instead, I was either with the Chaplain, in the first aid room or simply not at school at all, trying to get ahold of myself.
Around this time in my life, I also faced a few challenges that took me with pure shock & sadness. I found out information about someone very close to me, in my family, in which shattered me completely. I never could see him in the same light again. Our relationship tumbled down & became very abusive. I often found myself crying to sleep. I was also afraid to tell my siblings of the situation, as I didn’t want their relationship destroyed also with this particular person. What he did was disgusting, illegal & extremely hurtful towards multiple people. It is something that I still find hard to discuss today.
2 people close to me passed away very close to this time. In which, I never got to say goodbye — I regret it as I was once in the same hospital as one of them at the same time as them. I love them very so dearly. i love u’s. Cancer sucks and suicide is heart wrenching
I found myself in the hospital for the first time ever due to mental health reasons. I was lonely, scared, anxious, fragile & unwanting of life. I was later discharged with a new diagnosis of PTSD. Something that caused me to have blackouts, memory loss, flashbacks, mistrust, insomnia & unwanted thoughts. I still have it today & it is a constant struggle.
Whilst everything was going down. I found myself of having no support. My family never really understood mental health, and thought that you could simply “choose” happiness. Which sadly, wasn’t the case. They refused to help me & also threw away my feelings to the side. At the start of grade 11, I found myself with a CYMHS worker but she later left to a higher position. In which, I got a new psychiatrist who treated me cruelly & I still refuse to see him. CYMHS say that they don’t have enough staff to support me.
In grade 11, I moved schools to a State School. Again, to get a fresh start. I met some nice people, however I always found myself feeling out of place & like I didn’t belong. Bad habits slipped back, & I again was always isolating myself away from everyone & never gave anyone the chance to get to know me very well. During this point of time, I made a decision to end my life. I was broken and wasn’t coping at being at a new school. Everything was unfamiliar & again, I was barely in class. Which found me ending up in hospital & never returning to the School ever again. I had only been there for 1 Term.
This was my first admission into a mental ward. I was so terrified & nothing seemed real. I again found myself having delusions and hallucinations, only due to the amount of distress I was in. I became mute.
Having psychosis is definitely the most afraid I have ever felt. Nothing made sense to me, my head was foggy & I wasn’t thinking. The psychiatrists determined it was due to stress, which is a much rarer cause then most people diagnosed with this illness. I was falling into delusions, auditory hallucinations & visual hallucinations. Even my dearest friend found that I wasn’t making sense.
After that admission, I have found myself admitted back in hospital 8 times within 12 months. I also found myself returning to the first school in Term 3 of 2016 but later left due to the school treating me unfairly and threatening me because I simply didn’t go to the Year 11 Camp. I found myself school-less.. a drop out
Only a couple of months ago, at the end of March.. I gave people quite the scare. I attempted suicide, and although it wasn’t my first time. It was my most serious attempt. This attempt wasn’t planned – in fact, I was planning to go to a friend’s birthday party the next day. When I never showed up, people got concerned. On this day, I did something that landed me unconscious & on the edge of a coma. So, I dont remember all that much. All I remember is that my family never visited me, & every day that I could remember, I was in tears & wanting to run away from everything. I remember nurses and doctors saying that I could potentially die as my glucose level and blood pressure went from high to dangerously low very quickly. I remember sirens, & the aftermath. I hurt a lot of people, I am still trying to gain back trust.
There is a lot in my life that I struggle to talk about @eth and that I struggle to open up in detail about. And nothing is improving... and family just get aggresive.. and I want to die.
