Need advice re daughter's MI

Hi @Determined

Thank you for thinking about me 😊

The situation at home did turn a corner but my daughter still has a way to go with healing and making those wiser choices that lead to it. She rarely listens to us. She is being nicer to us but is still very irresponsible which causes some grief and she is up and down. Not yet stable or mature. So better yes, but still stressful.

Good news is that myself and husband just purchased a new home on the beach. Something we have wanted for some time now. It's in a complex where I have access to a tennis court, resort, restaurants/bar, pool, gym, lakes, ocean and a golf course. And much less maintenance for us.

A dream come true for me, so good things can still happen amidst the storm. The new home will be ready to occupy between 12-18 mths time. To be honest I feel we have earned this well and truly. So now we may have some good years to look forward to. My daughter should be in a place of her own by then.

How is your wife now? How are you going? Never give up my friend as there is always light at the end of the tunnel when we give our all with heart and soul 🤗

Hi @Former-Member

Good to hear things are looking up for you and your husband and trust things continue to improve for your daughter, understand about the 'long road ahead', currently looking at that road myself ...

Things are looking up for my wife, still a long way to go for us but better than they have been. Dont know if you have seen some of my threads but the last month or so for us has been quite difficult for us with my wife back in hoapital... it will take me a bit to get over it but I am getting some self care and support for myself now so focusing on the positives as much as I can.

Hello again @Determined

Sorry but I hadn't been reading many threads because of the situation at home. I am sorry to read that your wife relapsed but pleased to read that you looking after yourself and your needs. If we go down the whole fort does. I am in that very same position, having to focus on my own health, happyness and well being in order to not go down (the stress has been effecting my health, hence why I haven't been on here as much).

What led to your wife's relapse? What progress has been made now? Are you happy with her medical team/treatment? Sorry if you are repeating yourself. You are a good man and deserve all the support you can muster. Focusing on the good and the positives, together with keeping actively engaged (with a balance of work and leisure) is also very helpful I find. Isolating ourselves makes everything worse I have experienced. So getting on with our own lives whilst being there for those we love is the important balance. Never easy though. Here for you. Hugs 🤗

hello @Former-Member it is Good to hear things are looking up for you and your husband my friend xx

I hope things inprove for you daughter

Focusing on the good and the positives, together with keeping actively engaged (with a balance of work and leisure) is also very helpful I find. Isolating ourselves makes everything worse I have experienced. So getting on with our own lives whilst being there for those we love is the important balance. Never easy though. --- thak you @Former-Member for you advice , I find it hard to find the right balance and sometimes I need to remind myself instead of the siuation contolling me

Hello @Determined, @Former-Member, @patientpatient, @Grasshopper3

Your welcome @Shaz51

I believe you really hit the nail on the head when you said "we need to remind ourselves to not allow the situation to "control us". That is such an important point and the hard part as distress/worry/anxiety is usually involved. I find that when we need to involve an act of will to keep a normal routine, not overdoing it and not undoing it. And not to lose sight of our own lives, enjoyments and purpose. That is what I have to practise continually. Sometimes I have succeeded, sometimes not. It feels much better, and I am more relaxed when I have managed to do this.

My best friend has recently received news that she has kidney cancer. She was upbeat to begin with and is now very quiet (unlike her). So I am worried about her as well now.

Have a great birthday @Shaz51 - I won't be here later today to partake but will be thinking of you. ❤️

thankyou for the birthday wishes @Former-Member, yes they are having a party for us here tomorrow xx

ohhh that s sad news about your friend , yes she will be going though a lot of different emotions at the moment

when the specialist told me i have kidney disease stage 4 , i started crying in his office , then i had to see the nurse and she said i would need dialasis soon ( that was 8 years ago ) i am still at stage 4

Hi @Former-Member

Long story and dont know where to start,

Not sure what caused the relapse other than I took on some part time work and there was possibly the perception that I would not be there for support, add the carryover from last year and feelings of rejection from being dropped by so called friends. Didn't help that she was not eating properly if at all. When she initially went into the hospital her blood sugar was super loow.

The result of her low mood was that she went back into hoapital to undergo ect. (She only had 5 of 9 treatments due to negative side affects). I was and still am not happy about so many aspects of the process and the treating team (could write an enre page on that alone) but have to admit that there has been some benifit to the treatment. (Still worry about the cost of the treatment, we will have to wait a little longer to see how that goes). My darling certinally thinks it was worth it. I feel somewhat irrelevant in the process.

I am taking a reduced study load next semester in order to focus on some self care and getting some family routines and boundaries in place. Getting an exercise routine in place for myself as well as some chiropractic work (3 month treatmentn plan)

Chiropractor recons he can alleviate a lot if my symptoms the drs have givenn up on. Gives me some confidence that he was able to accuratly tell me my symptoms after examining my spine and neck .

Hi @Determined

It's good to read that your wife has experienced benefits with ECT. The problem I have with such treatment is that the relapse is obviously psychological and physical (low blood sugar can cause high anxiety and depression etc, not to mention lack of nutrition). E.g. When self value is low in a person, rejections can cause them to become majorly depressed and anxious and can lead to suicidal thoughts. By what you have told me a combination of this and physical ills is largely what is triggering your wife's depression. If this is the case, how effective can ECT be and for how long? Just my ten cents worth.

The professionals would see it as the "depression causing the above". I think it's not that simple and there are many factors at play here that is triggering your wife. That's what I have personally experienced through my own breakdown. Does your wife suffer unresolved grief from past childhood or family hurts/losses/abuse? Depression is a combination of many ills and not one size fits all.

I feel your wife would achieve better results if she addressed the above together with ECT. Is she eating better now? Does she undergo therapy? If she is motivated to do that then perhaps the treatment is helping. If not, a cycle could persist in my experience.

As carers we can only advise though, it is up to the sufferer what treatment they are most comfortable with. And that is where we can seem irrelevant - but we aren't. Our love and support is what is largely getting them through. And our opinion and care influences. Keeping communication open is vital. Sometimes when a loved one is depressed how they are feeling about themselves can be projected onto us unintentionally. We need to keep that balance in life to retain that healthy sense of ourselves to be strong for them.

If you feel something is amiss in treatment and more attention is needed in other areas - voice it regardless of the result. That's the best we can do and be there to pickup the pieces. A person who does this is far from irrelevant but worth their weight in gold. And they are strong. You haven't failed your wife my friend - others failed her. Never forget this.

I also have to start a low impact exercise routine as I have been neglecting myself and am now paying for it. It simply is worth the effort to look after ourselves - I have only added to my grief by neglecting my own needs. Glad to read that the chiropractor has offered hope. Have you also tried physio and cortisone injections? Thinking of you.

I agree with everything you have said about the ect @Former-Member, I believe we could have achieved the same result without the ect. Ect however was (quote) 'the easy option' and required less effort. I am working hard on some new boundaries to try and limit any relapse. I can only do so much however and I cant do it all myself . If anything the ect has given us a window of opp7ortunity to work in some of these things.

Re childhood grief/ abuse? There is no abuse that I am aware of but there were some difficult family dynamics with older siblings and some poor choices on their behalf that I believe upset her a lot as a child. That and moving around a lot when she was young (dads work) would not have helped either. But even without that she was from birth a delicate and fragile personality. Discussing with her mum there seems to be a lot of undiagnosed mental illness on her dads side of the family.

Most 'damage' if I can call it that was done a couple of years ago through poor choices of her own (under a narsistic influence). She was being coerhersd into leaving me at that time. She recently confessed to some poor choices she made during that time to me but I can't help but think there is more to it than what she told me. I won't ever tell her how I truly feel but it still upsets me. More so because she refuses to talk about it.

I would like to discuss it but she absolutly refused. She said sorry I just need to get over it apparently. She confessed the parts she did only because I was going to have contact with someone who possibly knew and she thought they would tell me and I would leave her for it. (Without children I may have). I honestly believe she was hoping for memory loss from the ect to wipe that time out so she didnt have to think about it any more.

I just read your last post now @Determined. That would of been a extremely painful time for you when your wife was under pressure to leave you. Ahh, yes, narcissistic influences (and more these days sociopathic ones) - my daughter is under them presently and this can tear a family and lives apart if the person is not strong enough to break free of the influence. These relations are toxic and can do much damage mentally to some if they are vulnerable personalities.

But the main thing is my friend she did not leave you. Her reluctance to speak to you about it is shame and guilt no doubt. Saying sorry is an admission of guilt and remorse and can be why so many have trouble saying it. As they can't face they were wrong and are not remorseful. Some always seek to justify. That can destroy a relationship.

It is a big step in a relationship to say sorry. A good thing. Opening a pandora box of the past once someone has said sorry, can sometimes cause more hurt and damage trust. But it is good that you expressed that pain here. Very important to express. The main thing now is to strengthen trust between the two of you which may have been damaged as well, by nurturing the bond you have now as that is what matters - not the past. And this will see you through the tough times so you both can move forward to better times. For that to happen we need to let go of the hurts of the past and look to the now. It took me awhile to do this but time heals much.

My husband and self are very close, soulmates. But the best of relationships can have bumps as we are all human. We endured many and hurt each other at times. The main thing is that we are remorseful of hurting the other, sorry, and we worked on the weaknesses in our relationship.

The stress of our daughter has proven our bond as that would of broken up most people. As would the strain you and your wife are under, but it has not. That's what matters. That can be the test of love and if it is real will endure and grow in time. Hang on. My husband and I are closer now than we were 10 yrs ago and that love grows. But saying that, it is also important to always express our own needs to those we love as the latter is a two way street.

Trusting anyone after enduring childhood abuse and much hurt in the past for me has been very difficult. Although always a struggle, I act on will to trust those only I know to be genuine and have good intentions. It has to be nurtured, and if damaged repaired with loyalty.

I wasn't a fragile person - that is probably why I am still alive today. Plus the support of my husband and faith. From what you are telling me your wife would benefit from counselling and learning coping strategies to cope in life. And to gain awareness of what she has - the positives and good in her life. To also work on her own self esteem - the main trigger for depression when it is low. She may also have physical ailments and genetic makeup that make her vulnerable to feeling low. All can be strengthened with a positive outlook and healthy lifestyle. It's hopeful.

I am so glad you are talking these feelings over my friend. I hope I have related well enough to support you and do the best I can there from my own life experiences. But the main thing is that we get it off our chests and out there rather than suppressing.