when is it time for hospital

Hi @outlander as per emails, do you need extra support? do you think you need to go to hospital

Love to you Claire @outlander

Worrying about exploding is caring

sending you lots of hugs @outlander

@Former-Member the monsters always seem to eb around and now i have paranoia added to this now.

my mind is convinced my mother and her bf and people spying on me. anytime someone walks past the house who isnt a regular person i see i freak out and now i find it easier to keep all the blinds and doors shut. otherwise i think someones going to jump up at the window at any minute.

everywhere i drive i think someone is watching where ever i go esp when i head towards the drs, psychiatrist or psychologist or any other health professional

im convinced that there are hidden cameras in my house too

i dont answer my phones now nor do answer the door unless im epecting things or its the postie/delivery van

so now this is adding to it

thank you @Shaz51@Former-Member

@Former-Member i know ive gotta get it sorted. ive started a new medication but it has to be started at a low dosse then work up from there. it could be 2-3-4 weeks before i see any sort of effect yet thats if ill get ay in this dose, if not go up and so forth

ive tried the hospital conversation and it hasnt even died down yet. i cant move speak breathe anything without getting in trouble. i feel like a nervous dog waiting and sneaking around trying not to get into trouble

so todays events have not gone well at all!!!

@Former-Member@Former-Member@Shaz51@Owlunar@Queenie@Former-Member @Former-Member and everyone else

ive had my youngest sister for two days off school with mum being at work and its driving me nuts! al all weekend ive had the both of them!

my middle sister had a riding lesson, so she was out of the way for an hour but the youngests sister made up for it. she still has the remnants of a cold and i dont want it flared up becasue she doesnt want to stay out of the freezing cold wind. so i asked her to stay in the car and sit int he backseat while i got the other horse in so i could start feeding it so i could hurry up and get out of there.

shes 6 and i thought she mightve ahd a bit of respect to just sit there for 2 minutes all i had to do was open the gate and let the horse in. and while i was going over to the gate she kept climbing all through my car. she broke my centre console from her jumping on it to keep gettign from the back to the front seat. not happy about that

then while i was there i had to clean up the old paddock the sick horse was using becasue we rotated paddocks for her- thank god for that i dont ahve to see the bullies as much.

i was having trouble with the 6 yr old and the bullies mum comes over and said i WANT you to clean the paddock up before you leave, mind you the horse only got moved this morning by the paddock owners and the road was unaccessabe from roadworks for a few hours so she moved her for me. i was getting to hat but i also had 2 sisters to watch, and three other horses to feed, rug and cleant he paddocks of so i was getting there.

then i got zapped by the electric fence twice today. both while trying to drag out the communal shovel and wheelbarrow that keps getting moved everytime someone see me use it. so this time i had to climb through two strands of electric fencing and it got me twice.

then not thinking i coudnt start my car and i though flat battery but i realsed i was that flustered with all the commotion of the horses and yelling sisters i pt my car in reverse and then tried to start it- it wont start unless in park- so after i fixed that issue off we went.

then while driving i dont know what was going through my head but i felt like i was all over the road all kept going onto the guttering grass part of the road, also when i went around a corner i took it too closley and went up the gutter!

i ahd to go the chemist today and it has underground parking and a small gap to get through to turn around to get back out so as i parked front in- i hit the wall then on the way out scraped the backend of my car so now i has black scratch mark spots in the front and back of it

then while i was out my friggin car over heated adn ive found out i need a new radiator!

i mean what the actual heck!!

so ive been pretty flustered all day and even as i speak theres still so much commotion going on int eh house with the sisters yell playing and its so loud! and the tensions are still really high between me and mum and her bf. i also wont be able to get away this week for a night or two at the other place because 1 mums working and 2 the lady has a stomach bug so ill eb satying away from there this week.

mums day off is thursday and friday but those two days im flat out yet again so again wont ahve time for myself. im tempted to just cancel everything on thursday and go spend the day with D like i want to do

and again ill have the kids all weekend coming 😞 whihc means i wont get ride in of my own. i ahvent ridden for 4 months becasue ive always got the kids and dont have time to.

in among all these things ive been told by my two sisters that im a crap rider becasue of certain ways i ride- i physically cant do because of injuries. and i said also your guys get to ride evey weekend i dont becasue im always watching you and they stuck their tongues out at me. my sister thinks shes top notch now becasue she cantered her horse over the past two lessons- she gets a lesson every fortnight that i pay for.

and also- mums boyfriend today you never do anything around the house. mum and i work and dont want to clean up when we get home and our days off we want to do stuff to and not clean up.

so way to go him- hes really improved my moods (not!)

so ive a Right Bas**d of a day and im ready to go to bed which i doubt i will- i dont sleep and when i do its full of nightmares so i question the point of sleeping anyway