when is it time for hospital

Thinking of you @outlander

BB xxxooo

Big hug @outlander Hope you are getting some rest.

Love you Claire @outlander 🙂

@Faith-and-Hope@Sans911@BlueBay@Maggie@Former-Member@Owlunar@Former-Member@Queenie@soul @Shaz51

Hello everyone, ive been out of hospital since about 4pm and now im just chilling at home.
I want to thank everyone for your support. It means a lot to me to know im not alone even when I am. So thank you guys a whole heap!

This breakdown has made me realise something. Something thats important and its very scary but id like to share it with you guys.

I need to face one of the traumas. My sisters dog attack has gotten to me. When I was finally able to get out of the state I was in. I was told that I kept screaming and crying and when I asked what the heck happened , they said after my horse freaked out, she knocked me straight onto my weak ankle, she took off but my friends dog came and started jumping and slobbering on me. Thats what freaked me out, the dog slobber and jumping on me
I had no idea I had done any of this until I was told by the nurses after I was admitted and freaked out because id forgotten id even been admitted. It was afternoon when this happened and I hadnt come around until around midday the next day so the saturday so I mustve been worn out (either that I was sedated). I remember writing on here and meantioning the ED but the rest I didnt really know what I wrote so shows the state I mustve been in.

I know where these thoughts have come from and these are the signs I need to face this trauma.
Ive always had the notion that if I had of acted on my instincts when I thought something was going to happen, the one thing I wanted to do was stick my arms out and take that bite rather than my sister. I wanted to protect her and the one thing I couldnt do was protect her.

Im going to start trauma work and even though its scary and I know this is going to be one of the hardest things im ever going to do, but what is the worst thats going to happen to me. Ive got my safety plan updated helped by the nursing staff and reviewed by the hospital psychologist and psychiatrist.
I cant hold it off anymore. i need to face this head on instead of run from it.
My head, heart and gut are telling me its time. Its time to listen to them. I was waiting on a sign for something, anything and this breakdown was it. This is my sign.

I have also come to terms with a few other things as well, well not really come to terms with but rather looked at whats important right now and prioritised things.

1. I had my horse assessed the day I went into hospital. I have 2 months to get some work into her and get another treatment done to her. If after the third treatment day she isnt any better, she will always be unsound. I have made the decidion that I will be giving her back after the 2 months work if she is unsound. As heartbreaking it is, I know she will be going back to a good home and I know that I would have given my best shot to make things work. What ever happens, happens and if it doesnt work out thats ok. There are always more horses to buy this time ill just save up more.

2. if I loose my friends when I give the horse back, then thats their loss. I cant control the actions of others and if they were only friends because Im on the same property as them then they arent real friends. I remember them turning on me before after I left that property so really it would be siily to think itll last if I give the horse back to the owners. But im not worried. Breathe in breathe out let it go.

3. if I loose my second job because I give the horse back well then so be it. Ill speak to my boss but again I cant control what happens. Shes the boss its her property and it really is up to her what happens all I can do is do my best as what Im doing and if it wasnt good enough well then thats it I cant change it.

4. ill be taking at least 2 days off per week or at least dramatically reducing my hours on those days to a maximum of 3 hours on that day. That means im not watching the kids after school and if mums home on a weekend im taking those days off. I wont be caring for my pop for a few hours unless hes sick as he comes first and thats ok with me. But I wont be doing my second job or babysitting or anything like that. I cant keep working 16 hours if not more 7 days a week. I just cant keep up and really I think its too much to expect of one person so ill be putting this into play.

While in hospital I managed to speak to my mother about the one thing I was suppose to do before I saw my psychologist next which is now next week. We have started making arrangements for when shes goes away and she has also cut her holiday down to 5 days rather than 7. my aunty has still agreed to take the kids for a few hours each day and my mother is in agreeance with that. Shes going to help me organise an activity possibly for each day so that they kids arent bored, I can still be a sister and will buy me some time until I go to my second job of an afternoon.

I also had xrays and ultrasounds redone on my foot while I was there and fortunatley nothing is broken, but my ankle was swollen and very painful but no further damage then whats already been done. Just on very strong pain releivers at the moment and having to keep off it for a few more days yet to let it have time to heal again. I had quite a few gashes and had those cleaned and dressed and they are healing well. Still sore though but they are ok and infected which is a great start..

@MDT@CheerBear@Former-Member @BlueBayand mnay others i know are reading

I see a silver lining to the darkness here @outlander. You've identified some really positive stuff, well done to you! I think the realisations you've come to have been a long time coming.