when is it time for hospital

oh yes thanks @NikNik

i havent really done too much drawing @Shaz51 only my stepping stones one a few days ago

How about some baking tomorrow @outlander? I remember that is something you've said you enjoyed in the past.

Just throwing the suggestion out there..

hmm i could try to do that but i dont have time @Queenie

i never have time 😞

ive got drs then horses, paddock cleaning and organising appointments for next week and then horses again and then when i get home studying again

that's a shame @outlander. I know it is something you enjoy. What are you studying now? I wish I had your stamina and strength. I am studying one of those free short courses just for interest's sake, but am finding I might as well be listening to Swahili.

yeah it use to be something i enjoy but today ive realised i have no zest for life. none at all and i dont even know what kept me away from paing attention to those suicidal thoughts today. they ahve been with me all day and nothing ive tried is making me fel any better.

im doing two courses right now 1. understanding common diseases and 2. introduction to nursing in healthcare.

what course are you doing @Queenie

strength and stamina- well those i dont know what they are and i dont know where the heck im getting them from either

I'm doing the Introduction to Psychology course @outlander. I am doing okay in it, but some of the theories they are mentioning I've not heard before. I had no idea what Monism was lol! It's safe to say I do now hahaha! I thought about the Common Diseases one, but thought I'd give this a go first.

I know what you mean about keeping the suicidal thoughts at bay and not paying attention to them. I felt very triggered by having to talk openly today about past suicide attempts and current thoughts of suicide. Even though I am not actively planning anything, the thoughts never really leave me.

i just finished that course @Queenie

now ive done 3 courses after these 2 are finished and hopefully pass them both itll make 5 courses.

i know i was watching it and going 'huh' and half of it but when you get into the i think the 3 topic when it startes to really look inot the MH illnesses etc itll make more sense and youll pick it up easy. i found most of it i already knew through counselling.

i dont really know if they will ever leave. it seems to come back at our most vulnerable times. mine came around becasue of a conversation i had with a so called friend which at the moment i ahve too many thoughts about what to do and what not to do becasue i have their side of a story and then mums pov and then trying to make up my mind and worrying about my new job and horse (might have to go back) and how that will impact our friendship. arrghh its just one big muddle.

how did you i dont know manage your thoughts? if u dont mind sharing and wont trigger you of course @Queenie

I try my very best not to discuss things surrounding my past suicide attempts unless I feel comfortable doing so. I remember doing my Cert IV in MH and Diploma Counselling and having to openly talk about suicide. It was very very difficult for me. It's like having this dark cloud that touches your soul when you take that step and try to end your life, for me, it's followed me ever since. It never completely leaves me.

I do my best to try and not invest time in the thoughts. Some days are easier than others. I consider myself an investor of time. I give so much time to family and loved ones, so much to studies and employment opportunities, so much to health and exercise, so much to hobbies and interests, so much to more mundane things like participating in a household. I try to invest my time wisely if that at all makes sense? I find if I start thinking about suicide, then I become suicidal and that's not where I want to be. I'd rather not end my life, I'd rather be living my life without pain.

yes everything you jsut wrote makes sense to me. i get that once you get an idea in your head its so hard to get rid of them. i havent had any easy days for such a long time i forgot what they feel like.

i hate walking around with this thought or when i get distressed that i think i should do something dangerous. its quite scary really.

ive lost my zest for life and i need to figure out how to get it back because at this point its dangerous not to have the will there.

oh i hear ya there sister about pain and investing time to everything but yourself. @Queenie

not so long ago tonight maybe an hour ago, i realsied how unstable my foot is becasue i went to get up and go to the kitchen, took a step and my ankle gave way and collapsed on the floor right onto my tailbone. hmm not fun at all.

i dont know what to do anymore. i also have this feeling that if i give D back then im going to loose my job and also my friends. who knew could ride on a horse that i only have on trial!

that sucks about D @outlander. Whether you choose to take on this horse shouldn't impact on your livelihood or your friendships. In a perfect world it wouldn't, but who lives in a perfect world huh?

That foot of yours... does it need to be strapped for support? I tore a tendon over 18 months ago and I still occasionally have to wear a support bandage as the ankle is unstable.

Do you know @outlander if you can still enrol in classes for studying? After I finish the psychology class, I might do something else, perhaps even the agriculture one!